


As We Fall

by lasvegas_lights



Series: As We Fall [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Chad is an idiot, Happy Ending, Jensen is a prostitute, M/M, Prostitution, Serious Illness, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-04
Updated: 2013-03-04
Packaged: 2017-12-04 08:04:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 47,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/708425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasvegas_lights/pseuds/lasvegas_lights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Padalecki is a high class businessman, Jensen Ackles is a high class prostitute. But this is no pretty woman re-make: When Jensen’s diagnosed with cancer, Jared decides he has to look after Jensen, even if Jensen doesn’t want to be looked after by his former client, and it’s not long before their strictly business relationship becomes very complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As We Fall

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the 2009 J2 Big Bang on Livejournal. I hope you like it. Please let me know If I'm missing any major tags! I'm still getting used to using them!

 

 

Jensen presses the code in the lock and twists the door knob until it swings open. He takes one last look down the alleyway before stepping into the building. He’s done it a hundred times before, but he still keeps his guard up as he slips through the dim corridor, past rooms that store sheets, towels, and mini soaps, and then down a second corridor towards the freight elevator. As soon as he steps inside, he turns to the panel and presses a thumb against the top button. The doors close in front of him, and he feels a slight jolt and hears a whirring sound, before the doors open out onto the top floor. The corridor is empty, and Jensen walks down the floral peach carpet towards his destination.

He steps up to the double doors at the end of the corridor and lets himself into the unlocked room. He takes the do not disturb sign and hangs it on the front of the door, before closing the door with a click. A figure pounces as soon as the door is closed, and Jensen finds himself pushed up against it.

“Couldn’t wait, huh?” He mumbles against lips pressing hard against his.

“It’s been a week.”

Jensen lets the other man take charge, as his jacket’s pulled from his shoulders and dropped to the floor. Jensen’s grinning as his shirt is pulled from his trousers and warm hands slip underneath. He moans deeply at the contact and arches into the other man’s touch. Hot wet kisses are pressed to his neck and collarbone, and Jensen cups the back of the man’s head to pull him closer “Want you,” The man breathes against Jensen’s skin. It’s hot and damp and makes Jensen shiver.

“Take me,” Jensen replies. 

Jensen grins as he’s pulled away from the door and is pushed in the direction of the bedroom.

Jared Padalecki is hot, rich, and very successful. Jensen knows this because he’s currently being fucked by the man inside one of twenty hotels he owns, and that’s not including the spas, gyms, and nightclubs. He’s also keenly aware that Jared is in the closet, so deep in the closet he’s practically in Narnia. It’s why he’s required to slip in the back entrance, and to make sure no one sees him enter or leave the room. His cautiousness has kept Jared on Texas’ most eligible bachelor list two years in a row. It’s not like he’s a coward for staying in the closet. Jensen understands that, in this State, Jared’s business interests would suffer. He has an arrangement that works. Jared is seen out with hot women on his arm, and once a week he sees Jensen.

He likes seeing Jared for three very good reasons. One: He’s not a slimy creep who forces himself on Jensen aggressively; he makes sure he’s prepped properly first, and then always makes sure he comes as well afterwards. Two: He knows it’s nothing but sex, doesn’t pretend it’s anything more, and doesn’t expect anything more, and three: the sex is always amazing.

Jensen is breathing heavily by the time Jared pulls out and drops onto his side. Jared pulls off the used condom and ties it up, before dropping it in the waste-paper basket. “You know, you get better every time we do this,” Jared sucks in a deep breath, and stretches out under the damp wrinkled sheets that barely cover his hips.

Jensen glances over at Jared and smiles. The younger man’s eyes are closed in pure pleasure, like the cat that just got the cream and he’s covered in a thin sheen of sweat. “I aim to please,” he breathes.

Jared grins and turns on his side. He runs a large hand down Jensen’s body, his fingers trail over his collarbone and circle a nipple, pulling a moan from Jensen, and then through the drying come on Jensen’s chest. He leaves feather light touches over Jensen’s limp and sensitive cock, and then down further, running a firm hand up and down his thigh. “I swear you get hotter too,” he leans down and they kiss lazily, all lips and saliva. Jared eventually slips his hand further between Jensen’s thighs and back to Jensen’s hole, still open and slick.

“Already?” Jensen asks as he spreads his legs invitingly, no hesitation in his movement.

“Mmmhmm,” Jared hums as he moves over Jensen and settles himself between his legs. Jared’s recovery time has always been very short, something Jensen appreciates.

“Okay,” Jensen reaches back onto the bedside table and grabs blindly for a new condom. He finally finds one, rips the packet open with his teeth, and reaches down to roll it down Jared’s length, just moments before Jared is pushing into him.

******

Jensen takes a quick shower as Jared dozes on the large bed, cocooned in tangled sheets. He notices Jared’s hair is mussed up from where Jensen ran his fingers through it, grabbed onto it, as Jared fucked into him, hard and fast. He grabs a towel off the rack and steps out of the steam. He dries himself off quickly, drops the used towel back on the rack, and then steps back into the bedroom. Jared starts to wake as Jensen sits down on the edge of the bed, his body writhing under the sheets languidly as Jensen reaches for his clothes.

He smiles as he feels a hand slide up his back. “Where do you think you’re going?” Jared’s husky post-sex voice asks. He wraps the arm around Jensen’s neck, and presses his naked body against Jensen’ back.

“I have an appointment.”

“Skip it,” Jared mumbles into Jensen’s ear.

“Can’t.” He stands up briefly to pull his boxer shorts back up, and then sits back down. It’s rare for Jensen to just fuck and run, Jared’s sultry voice and hard defined muscle is usually too hard to resist. Sometimes they even chat afterwards, Jared complaining about some employee, or they laugh over the latest blonde bimbo who’s trying to get into his pants with a barely there dress and fake boobs. Sometimes they just lie and doze together, Jared’s arm wrapped around his waist, his lips pressed against the back of Jensen’s neck. Sometimes they make it to the shower and soap each other up, before falling back onto the bed for round three...or four. It stays simple and fun, never pretending to be anything more than it is. For one, two hours a week, they both get what they came for, and then return to their separate lives.

Jared sighs and drops back against the bed. He finally sits up against the headboard and reaches into the bedside table drawer. He lifts a plain white envelope from the drawer and holds it out for Jensen. Jensen does up the final buttons on his shirts and straddles Jared, his knees either side of the other man’s thighs. He reaches for the envelope, but Jared takes it back quickly.

“What kind of appointment?”

“I don’t kiss and tell,” Jensen replies. He presses a quick kiss to Jared’s lips and takes the envelope off Jared while he’s distracted. Jared’s eyes flick to the clock on the wall when Jensen pulls away “We barely had an hour,” he points out.

“I think you got your money’s worth.” He presses two more quick kisses on Jared’s lips before pulling back. He opens the envelope and checks the money. Jared’s been a customer long enough for Jensen to know he hasn’t been short changed; it’s just force of habit. Once he’s satisfied all the money is there, he folds the envelope and pushes it into the pocket of his trousers “I’ll see you next week.” He walks to the door, picking up his discarded jacket on the way. He exits the room, and walks back down the empty corridor to the freight elevator. He works his way through the hotel’s back corridors easily, and then out the back entrance.

His black convertible jaguar is waiting outside the building where he left it, top down, and so shiny he could use the bonnet as a mirror. His car is his prize possession. Apart from his penthouse apartment, it’s his one big extravagance. It’s taken him a while to make a name for himself in the city. He started out on the streets, just like every other hooker, eventually becoming one of the most expensive male “escorts” around. He’s entertained some of the wealthiest men and women. It’s what’s made him so successful, he gives them _exactly_ what they want, and he knows how good he is at it. He has his regulars, like Jared, and a few that call on his expertise for special occasions. He has new clients too, some one-offs, some looking for more. Jensen always treads carefully around new customers; some try to take more than Jensen wants to give. He’s made more than a few mistakes in the past that he’s paid the price for. He’s learnt his lesson though, it’s what’s made him into the professional he is today.

He pulls his keys from his jacket pocket and presses the button on his key fob. The car beeps at him, and he slides into the driver’s seat with practised ease. He checks the wing mirror as he clicks his seatbelt into place and turns on the engine. He always takes a moment to appreciate the purr the engine makes as it starts. It’s low and seductive and makes him feel alive. He pulls his sunglasses from the glove compartment and slips them on, despite the fact that it’s starting to get dark, and pulls away from the side of the road.

He glances down at the clock every few miles to check the time. He doesn’t want to be late, but the traffic isn’t co-operating. He taps his fingers against the steering wheel impatiently as he gets stuck behind another red light. “Come on, come on,” he mutters. The lights finally turn green, and Jensen accelerates down the street. He makes it to his appointment with only minutes to spare. He parks and stares up at the large brick building in front of him. Jensen’s not sure he’s going to like what’s inside, and he takes a moment to steel himself. It’d taken some effort to get an appointment this late, but he felt like maybe he owed Jared something. Jared’s been a client longer than most, and Jensen feels like it earns him some privileges. He sucks in a deep breath, finally steps out of the car, and walks slowly inside the hospital entrance.

**********

Jensen slips inside the hotel and up to the top floor, just like the week before, and every week before that. His mind has been a jumbled mess all week. He’s nearly crashed the jaguar twice, lost his keys nearly every day, and burnt his dinner three nights in a row. Jensen’s not even going to mention the time he walked into the ladies room by accident.

Jensen should really be doing this over the phone. It’s what he’s done for the others. There’s something about Jared that makes him need to do this face to face though. It has nothing to do with needing to see Jared one last time, they were never like that. Jensen’s not harbouring some secret crush on the other man. He was always just a client, nothing more.

Like always, he enters the room without knocking, and as soon as the door is shut behind him, Jared is on him, pawing at his clothes and pressing his warm body against him. If Jensen was a weaker man, he’d let Jared take what he wanted, and then break the news. It’s so tempting just to give in when Jared starts sucking at the sensitive skin on Jensen’s throat and slides his hands down to Jensen’s ass. Jared’s grinding against him, showing how hard he is, how much he wants Jensen naked and spread out on the bed, now.

“Wait,” He struggles against Jared. Jared might be younger, but he’s built like a giant, long legs, giant arms and broad shoulders. He has enough muscle to pick Jensen up off the floor and fuck him against a wall, which he has, on more than one occasion. “Jared, stop!” Jensen speaks up, using all his strength to push Jared back. Jared finally pays attention and steps back, a deep frown on his face.

“Everything okay?”

Jensen stares up at Jared for a moment before shaking his head “No.”

“What’s going on Jensen?”

“I can’t...” He begins, not able to form the right words “ _We_ can’t, not anymore.”

“Can’t what anymore?”

“This, any of this. I won’t be coming here anymore.”

“Why?” Jared tilts his head to one side, and Jensen thinks he looks like a puppy being told he can’t have anymore treats. Wide brown eyes stare back at him. “Have I said or done something...?”

“It’s not you Jared,” Jensen quickly interrupts. “You haven’t done anything.”

Jared swallows hard, “Another client?” He forces out, like he can’t even bear to think of Jensen with other men or women, or what they could have done to Jensen to make Jensen do this. Jensen shakes his head. “Then why...?”

“It’s me, okay?” Jensen snaps. “ _I’m_ the reason I’m quitting!”

Jared flinches back. He’s not used to seeing Jensen like this. On Jared’s time, Jensen’ll be whatever he wants him to be. Even when he’s had a bad day, he walks into the room with a smile, and makes Jared feel like he’s the only man in the world. He’ll laugh at Jared’s jokes, massage tense muscles, and listen sympathetically as he rants about work stresses. Anything to keep Jared happy and keep him paying up. You don’t snap at clients, not usually...you lose business pretty quickly that way. But Jensen’s already quit, so he really doesn’t care anymore.

“Is it money? I can pay you more.”

Jensen sighs, “It’s not about the money.”

“Then please explain it to me Jensen!” Jared can’t quite understand just why he needs to know why Jensen has cut him off like this. Since when had Jensen become more than a warm willing body? Since when had Jared needed to know where he was when he wasn't with him? The questions were a cause for concern, and one Jared would worry about later...much later.

Jensen frowns, “What? You’re pissed cos you’ll have to find another willing hole to fuck from now on? Is that it?”

“No! Fuck!” Jared turns away and runs a hand through his hair. He takes a moment to count to ten. There’s a weird tension in the air that Jensen can’t explain, and he stares dumbly at the defined muscles under Jared’s shirt, his shoulders tense and hunched. Jared finally turns back around to face Jensen “I thought we were...”

“Friends?” Jensen supplies. He chokes out an incredulous laugh, “We were never friends Jared.” He takes a step closer to Jared. “This was just business, you were a _client_ Jared. You paid me for sex; let’s not pretend we were anything more.”

“Jensen...”

“I shouldn’t have come here,” Jensen mutters.

“Then why did you?”

“I should go.....sorry for leaving you like this,” Jensen nods to the obvious bulge in Jared’s trousers.

“Jensen...just tell me why.”

Jensen’s head snaps up, “Why do you care?” Jared shrugs, not sure why he does. Jensen doesn’t know how this all became so complicated. He should’ve just told Jared the bad news and left. Instead, Jared’s puppy eyes, and his inexplicable ability to get Jensen to talk, had pulled Jensen in and wouldn’t let him go. Jensen wanted to lie. Lying is second nature to him now, and he already has a good explanation on the tip of his tongue. What eventually comes out is anything but a lie.

“I’m sick,” He finally admits, his voice barely there. It’s the first time he’s admitted it since the doctor told him, but then he’s really had no-one else to tell. He slowly looks up at Jared, to gauge his reaction.

“Sick? Are you....” Jared licks his lips. “Should I go get tested?”He asks.

Jensen’s blood boils instantly at Jared’s assumption. He’s a prostitute, so of course he must have been careless with a john and contracted HIV. He’s not going to dwell on the sharp ache that Jared’s words have created, somewhere where his heart used to be.  “Oh, go _fuck_ yourself Jared! I always use a condom!” He turns sharply and yanks the door open. He stops in the doorway and looks over at Jared, “I’m _pretty_ sure you can’t catch cancer!” He says, before slamming the door behind him.

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

Jared hates the smell of hospitals. They always smelt of antiseptic and old people. He always feels so out of place in hospitals, like it’s a whole other world he doesn’t belong in. He always expects someone to come up to him and question his presence. He also hates how he knows everyone in the building is either in pain, dying, or dead. It sends shivers down his spine. He remembers getting his appendix out when he was twelve, lying in a huge bed and having strangers prod him, and tuck the covers so tight he could barely move. Plus, they wouldn’t let him eat anything, especially candy, which was practically a nightmare in itself.

 Jared also hates he easily his mother can guilt him into things. Like visiting his great aunt, who’s in for a hip replacement. Great Aunt Lizbeth is deaf in one ear and has the memory of a goldfish. Last time he saw, her she asked him twelve times in the space of an hour whether he wanted a cup of tea. The only thing that had kept him sane was counting how many times she’d asked. Still, he buys the biggest bunch of flowers from the hospital gift shop, and spends a whole half an hour sitting by her bed, listening to her complain about the male nurses, smiling and nodding at the appropriate times. It’s a small sacrifice to make and if it gets his mom off his back then it’s worth the morning he misses at work.

It’s not that he doesn’t like his great aunt, it’s just he has a ton of other things to do. He’d  had to cancel an important meeting to make sure he didn’t miss visiting hours. He takes his work seriously. It’s how he’s gotten to the office on the top floor at such a young age. He’s always had the right instincts when it came to business, instincts that’d earned him millions.

He practically runs out of her room on the surgery floor at the end of visiting hours, and straight into a gurney being pushed away from theatre. His shoes squeak against the lino, and leave friction marks, as he comes to an abrupt stop.

“God, sorry!” He apologises, and steadies himself with a hand on the gurney railing. The nurse pushing the bed forces a smile, but says nothing. Jared doesn’t take it personally.

It’s only then that he looks up at who’s actually on the gurney. Seeing Jensen lying there, as white as the sheets covering him, obviously semi conscious, freezes him to the spot.

Jensen doesn’t speak, still obviously groggy from the anaesthetic. Jared can’t quite believe it. Before it had all been so abstract, but seeing this? Seeing Jensen? Well, suddenly it was real.

“Jensen?”

“Excuse me,” The nurse says brusquely, eyeing Jared’s hand, which is still gripping the side of the trolley. Jared pulls his hand away and watches as the bed is pushed down the corridor.

It’s been two weeks since he last saw Jensen. Two whole weeks. A wave of guilt washes over him, but it’s not because he hasn’t given Jensen a second thought since though. He feels guilty because he _doesn’t_ feel guilty about it. He swallows the bitter taste in his mouth and turns in the opposite direction. He doesn’t know why he feels guilty. He feels sorry for Jensen, after all, no-one deserves to get cancer, but like Jensen had said, it was just _business._ He was a client, Jensen had offered something for sale, and Jared had bought it. Frequently.

Their last encounter in the hotel room had stayed on his mind for the rest of that evening, a mixture of guilt and sexual frustration accompanying him whilst he’d drunk down a bottle of scotch, and crawled into bed at three am. It’s all a distant memory when he’d awoken the next morning. Jensen wasn’t his problem. He couldn’t allow Jensen to be his problem. If he did, then who knew who might find out about his and Jensen’s little meetings? It could destroy everything he’s built.

The last thing he expected, or needed, was a shock reminder of what Jensen was going through. He wishes he could erase the image of Jensen on that trolley from his mind. Knowing he was ill was one thing, seeing it is a whole other matter. Jensen had been pushed to the back of his mind, and is now being forcibly dragged back to the front, back to where he can’t ignore him. He doesn’t know what had shocked him more, seeing Jensen, or seeing the state Jensen was in. Jared had never seen the other man looking so pale and small. So unlike the bright eyed and warm tanned skin he’d grown accustomed to. He didn’t even want to think about looking for someone new to satisfy his needs. He wasn’t sure he could find someone as _qualified_ as Jensen, someone he could trust not to go to the press if they were offered enough money.

He knows he has to go back to his office and finish off the pile of papers on his desk, but something makes him move towards the waiting area instead. His sudden presence draws attention from the room, though being 6.4 and built like a football player, it’s not that surprising.  Standing in the doorway in a thousand dollar business suit doesn’t help. It’s like a doctor standing in the middle of a board room; he couldn’t look more out of place if he tried.

Three rows of identical chairs have been set up on one side of the room, fake rubber plants at either ends of the rows. Sitting in the front row is a young mother, trying to control the riotous toddler at her feet; behind her a middle aged couple, holding hands. The exact same expression of worry etched on their faces. Jared doesn’t know how long they’ve been sitting there but there’s a pile of year old magazines sitting on the empty chair beside them.  Back in the far corner is an old black man, his wide eyes staring at the clock on the wall and a single bony finger tapping a beat against his walking stick.

On the other side is a reception desk with a single nurse behind it, rubbing her tired eyes as she reads through a medical file. He strides over to the desk and rests his hands on the counter.

“Excuse me,” The nurse flicks her eyes up and stares at Jared impassively. “I’m looking for a room number for Jensen Ackles?”

“Are you family?”

Jared hesitates. He knows he won’t be getting anywhere near Jensen’s room unless he’s family, but what if he already has family here and he’s outed as a liar? He looks back at the four people sitting in the room and then back at the nurse. He doubts any of them are here for Jensen and he takes a risk, “I’m his brother,” he lies easily.

The nurse nods and types into her computer for a moment before answering, “He’s just gotten out of surgery, he’s in room four ten.”

“Thanks,” Jared gives her one of his patented megawatt smiles and turns to leave the waiting room. He has no idea what he’s doing as he makes his way down the hospital corridor, eying each door number as he goes. Moments later, he finds himself outside room four ten. It looks like every other door, solid and white with a single square window in the middle. He steps up to the door and peers through the window. He can’t see much through it. He sees the bed, and a shape underneath the covers, but Jensen’s head is obscured by a curtain. Apart from that, the room is completely empty. No family members waiting for Jensen to wake up; no get well cards or flowers. No one likes his great aunt, but there are still five large bouquets around her bed, and a string of cards tacked up over it from various friends and relatives. Jared frowns. The nurse at the desk believed he was Jensen’s brother; was that because Jensen hadn’t had any other visitors? He’s comforted by the knowledge that if he ever fell ill, he’d be surrounded by his family. Hell, he gets an _ear infection_ , and his momma turns up with chicken soup and a pile of magazines. By the looks of Jensen’s room, that had to be the case. How could no one care about someone so ill? Didn’t Jensen have any family or friends?

Jared takes a step back and turns away from the door. As if out of sight really meant out of mind. He wasn’t expecting any of this when he stepped into the hospital this morning. If he hadn’t seen Jensen in that hospital bed, and seeming so alone, he would have continued on with his life without a second thought. Now he isn’t sure if that’s possible.

He makes his way back down the corridor, and finds himself back in the waiting room. No-one looks up this time. He stands over the desk and clears his throat. “Sorry,” he gives the nurse another smile. “I was just...” he shifts his weight nervously. “Jensen, how is he?”

The nurse picks up a chart from the rack beside her and flicks through it quickly, “Well,” she starts, tilting her head to one side, “The surgery went well, no complications.”

“That’s good, right?”

The nurse frowns at him, “Maybe you should be talking to your brother’s doctor?”

“No,” Jared says quickly, the few people he has to lie to the better. “It’s okay, please.”

The nurse glances down at the chart in her hands and takes another look, “We caught the cancer fairly early, but the last scan showed it had spread to a few of his lymph nodes. He’ll start chemotherapy in about six weeks, once he’s recovered from the surgery.”

“Oh,” Jared swallows hard, “But he’s going to be okay, right?”

“His chances are good,” she replies with a nod, “If he responds to the chemo, and there are no other complications.”

“That’s good,” Jared feels himself relax slightly.

“He’s going to need a lot of care. All the treatment will take a lot out of him, and there’ll be days when he’ll be too tired to even get out of bed.” The nurse looks at him, expectantly.

“Oh I...” Jared stops himself. He can’t admit he’s not Jensen’s brother, and therefore not responsible for him, and at the same time he can’t just wash his hands of a man who has no-one else. He doesn’t know when Jensen became his responsibility, but can’t let Jensen go through it alone, not now. “I understand,” he nods. He takes a step back and turns away. He needs a breather. It’s been information overload, and the mixture of that, and the smell of antiseptic, is giving him a headache. Something makes him stop and turn back around.

“What kind of cancer does he have?”

The nurse frowns at him, like it’s something he should already know, and is now doubting Jared’s relationship to Jensen. “Testicular cancer, that’s why he had the surgery, to remove the cancerous testicle.”

“Thanks,” Jared croaks out. He feels stupid for thanking the woman who’d told him Jensen has testicular cancer, but he doesn’t know what else to say. He turns and leaves the station, making his way to the elevators as fast as his long legs can take him. He practically runs out of the sliding doors into the fresh air and he makes it all the way to a wooden bench, stationed just outside the building for smokers. He drops down onto the wood and lets out the breath he’d been holding. 

He finally dips into his jacket pocket for his cell phone and presses speed dial two. It rings twice before a woman on the other end picks up. “Hello, Mr Padalecki’s office, how may I help you?”

“Sandy, it’s me.”

“How was the old lady?” Jared can practically see the wide grin on his assistant’s face.

“Look, something’s come up, cancel everything for today.”

Sandy’s silent for a moment, and Jared can imagine the look of worry on Sandy’s face. Sandy has gone from his assistant to a close friend in less than a year and practically mothered him, even though she’s younger than him.  “Jay, is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Jared replies, forcing himself to sound okay. “Just ... _stuff._ ”

“All right. Call me this evening, okay?”

“I will,” Jared hangs up. He looks up at the imposing building in front of him, and sighs before standing up and walking back inside. 

*******************

Jared makes another trip to the hospital shop and buys them out of balloons, he also picks up a giant fruit basket, and he has to pay the shop assistant twenty bucks to carry it up to Jensen’s room for him, while he carries the balloons. He arranges the multicoloured helium balloons around the bed, and places the basket on Jensen’s bedside table.  Once he’s decided something, Jared doesn’t do things by half.

Jensen hasn’t woken up yet, but Jared’s glad about that. It gives him time to plan just how to explain his motivations. If he’s right, Jensen won’t want him anywhere near him, not if their last encounter was anything to go by. He regrets what he said to Jensen that day, and still remembers the dark look he’d received for his thoughtless words. He knows Jensen’s going to be pretty out of it when he first wakes up, so at least he’ll have a little time before Jensen realises what’s going on.

He pulls the book he also bought from the shop out of his back pocket, drops down into the very uncomfortable plastic chair by Jensen’s bed, and starts reading. It’s some trashy romance novel where the woman finds her husband in bed with another woman, moves across country to some old fishing village, and falls in love with a fisherman with a dark history. It was either that, or Paula Abdul’s autobiography.

Jared is on page hundred and two when Jensen groans, the noise deep and hoarse. Jared looks up from his book and watches silently as Jensen regains consciousness. He folds down the corner of the page he’s on, and closes the book, before getting up out of his seat and peering over Jensen.

“Jensen?”

Jensen’s eyes open a crack, and then close again immediately. He licks his dry lips and swallows.

“You need some water?” Jared pours some water into a plastic cup. He slips his hand under Jensen’s head and lifts it slightly, before pressing the cup to Jensen’s lips. “Just a little,” he cautions. Jensen takes couple of greedy gulps before Jared pulls the cup away and gently lowers Jensen’s head. “Better?” Jared knows Jensen is still disorientated, and he has no plan to tell Jensen why he’s there until he is more awake.  “How are you feeling?”

Jensen’s eyes open fully for the first time, and he blinks twice before staring up at the ceiling. His head finally lolls to the left and he stares at Jared. It takes his brain a moment to recognise Jared, and when he does he frowns deeply. “Jared?” His voice is still deep and sleepy, and Jared smiles softly.

“Yeah.”

Jensen shifts slightly under the covers. “I’m not really.....” His frown deepens, “Is it Wednesday?”

Jared can see Jensen is confused; it’s going to take a while before he’s completely lucid. “Friday,” Jared answers softly. “You’re in the hospital, remember?”

“Yeah.”

“You had surgery.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything. His eyes look past Jared, to the various balloons floating around him. “Balloons?”

Jared grins, “You like? I thought the room needed brightening up.” He gets a little nervous when Jensen still doesn’t say anything about his presence. “I brought fruit too.” He nods to the basket, “There’re some grapes and bananas. It’s a little clichéd, but there really wasn’t much else apart from little teddy bears holding hearts that said get well soon, and as you’re not a nine year old girl, I thought the fruit was the better option. I hope you like fruit; I mean who doesn’t like fruit? I would have brought candy, but I’m not sure I could have snuck it past the nurses...”

“Jared.” Jensen stops Jared’s babbling with one word. Jared’s mouth snaps shut. Jensen stares at him with focused eyes. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I...”

“You should leave.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Jensen repeats, his tone incredulous. “You shouldn’t be here Jared, you should leave. Get out, before someone realises who you are.”

“They think I’m your brother,” Jared admits. “It was the only way they’d let me see you.”

“What the fuck?”  He glares at Jared. “Why are you here Jared?”

Jared isn’t as prepared for Jensen’s negative reaction to his presence as he thought he was, and he finds himself leaning back in his chair slightly, putting some space between them, “Because,” he gives a shrug, not really sure of the answer himself. His eyes fall away from Jensen and he stares at his hands. “I came to visit my great aunt. She’s down the hall, getting a hip replacement....I walked out of her room, and the next thing I see is you, being wheeled out of surgery.”

“So that gives you the right to lie about who you are and ...do all this?” He waves at the balloons, the movement pulling at the IV in his arm.

Jared sits up a little straighter in his chair, even if it makes his back ache. “Have you got a family? Or friends?” Jensen’s lips purse and his body tenses, but he says nothing “You’re all alone aren’t you.”

“It’s _none_ of your business Jared, _I’m_ none of your business.” Jared had always made it plain to him that Jensen was a means to an end...a relief. Hence the side doors and waiter’s entrances. Now their business relationship is over, Jared has no reason for being in his room.

“I thought so too,” Jared agrees “After you left the hotel room, I decided I wasn’t going to waste any of my time thinking about you....and then I saw you being wheeled out of theatre, and you looked so sick, and I looked through the window into your room and you were all alone, and realised pretty quickly that I couldn’t turn away and just ignore the fact that you have cancer.”

“Why not? None of my other customers care.” Jensen’s voice holds not a trace of self pity, just a matter of fact acceptance. He has no one, he expects no one. “They’ve already moved onto the next willing body.”

“I’m not everyone else.”

Jensen stares at Jared. Jared can practically see the wall Jensen has built up behind his dark eyes. “Leave.”

Jared shakes his head, “No.”

“Jared, don’t be an idiot.”

“The way I see it?” Jared tilts his head to one side and stares back at Jensen, unintimidated by Jensen’s sharp glare “You need a friend.”

“Oh I do, do I?”

Jared nods, “And that’s going to be me.”

Jensen barks out a weak laugh, “Jared, you can’t just _decide_ something like that.”

“Tough luck, I did,” Jared replies firmly. “I don’t care what you say to me, I don’t care what you want, I’m going to make sure you get home okay when they discharge you, and then I’m going to make sure you’re eating properly, and taking your meds. And in a few weeks time I’m going to come to chemo with you and keep you company. Do you play chess? I’ll teach you how to play; it’s my favourite game...”

“Jared.”

“I’m _not_ going to let you go through this alone Jensen.”

“What if I want to?”

Jared shakes his head, “No-one wants to…no-one should have to.” Jensen turns his head away and swallows hard, and Jared watches his Adam’s apple bob. Jensen stares at the ceiling for a long time, like the off-white tiles held all the answers to his problems.  He just knows Jensen is weighing up all the pros and cons. Having a trick in his life? What it might do to Jared, if he was found out? He thinks he knows Jensen well enough to know what might be going through his mind.

“How are you feeling?” Jared asks five minutes later, hating the silence Jensen is forcing on them both.

Jensen shrugs, he looks down at the IV in his hand. He makes a tight fist, then opens his hand out, stretching out his fingers, fascinated by the tube attached to his skin by a needle, “Drugs.”

Jared’s eyes follow the tube from Jensen’s hand up the IV hooked onto a metal pole above Jensen’s bed, “That’s good.”

“Good would be having two testicles,” Jensen practically snaps. “This is _tolerable_.”

Jared doesn’t know what to say to that. He sits there for another five minutes of uncomfortable silence before he speaks again.

 “You like books?” Jensen doesn’t answer him, but Jared’s not bothered by his silence. He picks up his book and waves it in Jensen’s direction. “Want me to read to you? It’s just some romance novel I bought from the shop downstairs.”

“Whatever,” Jensen mutters. Jared takes that as a yes, and opens the book at the beginning again. He starts to read, and doesn’t take offense when Jensen turns onto his side, facing away from him. He continues to read, putting on different voices for the different characters. He doesn’t care if Jensen doesn’t want him here. There isn’t another person in Texas who’s as stubborn as he is. Once he gets an idea in his brain, he sticks with it until he gets what he wants.

The nurse comes to check on Jensen as Jared turns to page thirty. She smiles politely at Jared and then turns to check on Jensen’s IV.

“How are you feeling Mr Ackles?” She asks.

“Peachy,” Jensen practically growls at her.

“I’m sorry about my brother, he gets a little grouchy when he first wakes up,” Jared explains to the nurse.

Jensen twists his head round and glares at Jared. “He’s not my...”

“If you need anything, just press the blue call button by your bed,” the nurse interrupts. “The doctor will be coming to talk to you later today.” She looks around the room and smiles. “Nice balloons,” she adds, before striding out of the room.

Jensen looks over at Jared and shoots daggers at him. “I hate you.”

Jared shrugs one shoulder and smiles, “You’ll learn to like me.”

“I don’t think so.”

“You know, you were _never_ this bitter when we were having sex.”

“That’s because you were paying me to be nice to you.”

“True,” Jared concedes. Of course Jensen was going to be more amiable when Jared gave him money. He starts to wonder what Jensen’s true personality is, and if he’s getting a glimpse of it right now. If that’s so, Jensen must be an amazing actor. He wonders where the witty and intelligent man he knew has gone. Had that whole persona been fabricated? Or was this just a reaction to the surgery and his illness?

“Why are you here again?” Jensen asks.

Jared sighs, “We have to go through this again?”

“I just don’t see what _you_ get out of this.”

“I get a friend,” Jared replies. It’s a simple answer, but it’s the truth he realises. Jared has always been surrounded by lots of people, he likes everyone, and everyone likes him. That’s just the way he is. He doesn’t know how to deal with any other scenario. “Hey, you hungry?” Jared grabs the bunch of grapes out of the basket, picks one off, and pops it in his mouth.

Jensen shakes his head. “I’m tired.”

“Sleep,” Jared tells him. “It’s okay.” He shrugs, eats another grape, and then places the bunch back in the basket.

“Goodbye Jared.” Jensen says as he tugs at the covers, trying to pull them over his shoulder. His farewell sounds so final, and Jared shakes his head.

“I’ll be back soon, and I’m bringing my chess set,” he replies firmly. He doesn’t know what’s going on in Jensen’s mind, but he plans to show the other man he means everything he says. Jared stays until Jensen’s breathing is deep and even. He stands up and exits the room, leaving the book on the nightstand for Jensen.

 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

Jared doesn’t get much sleep that night. A car alarm goes off down the street, and the tap in his en suite is leaking, dripping regularly into the sink. His air-con whirrs too loudly, even though it’s never kept him up at night before. Even without all the noise and distraction, Jared doubts sleep would come. His mind is too filled with thoughts of Jensen and his illness. A sick sense of relief that it’s not him in the hospital bed fills him, before it’s replaced with guilt that he’s even thinking that. It makes his mouth taste bitter, and there’s a weight on his chest. When he closes his eyes, he sees himself strapped down to a bed in the middle of a hospital, no-one around for miles, and no-one hears him when he shouts for help. He keeps his eyes open after that, focused on the plain white ceiling above him.

 _“You shouldn’t be here Jared,”_ He hears Jensen’s voice tell him, as clear as if he was lying right next to him. The same words, in the same distant tone, repeat in his head, until he can’t hear the car alarm of the dripping tap any more. _“I’m none of your business.”_ The words bring doubt, and Jared can’t ignore it. Can’t ignore Jensen’s words anymore. When he was with Jensen in that hospital room, all logic seemed to fly out of the window. Now, alone in his pitch black bedroom, logic returns with a vengeance, reminding him why going to see Jensen is _wrong_. He _can’t_ just become Jensen’s friend, it’s not that easy. Jensen has cancer, Jensen is a prostitute. What happens out of the hospital? Does he even have the time to care for Jensen after chemo, when he’s sick and too tired to lift his head? How can he just take on that responsibility without a second thought? Jared might have spent a lot of time in Jensen’s company over the last two years but he still knows next to nothing about him, he may as well be a stranger to Jared. And it’s not like he could keep Jensen a secret forever, his friends would work it out eventually, and then his co-workers and his business associates. Can he risk everything he’s worked for, for a man he used to pay for sex?

He grips the sheet tighter in his fist, and rolls onto his side to stare at the bright red numbers on his alarm clock. Two minutes pass and he watches the numbers change. He still has three hours before he has to be up and ready for work, but he doesn’t plan to sit and watch time go by. He throws back the sheet and shivers slightly as cold air meets skin. He pads downstairs to his small home gym and climbs on the treadmill, hoping some heavy exercise will drown out the flood of doubts and questions in his head.

He doesn’t know how many miles he runs, but he’s sweaty and out of breath when his alarm goes off upstairs. He slows down and then stops completely, stepping off the treadmill. He trudges upstairs, his legs shaking slightly from exertion, and re-enters his bedroom. He climbs across his bed to switch off the alarm before heading into the en suite for a shower. The water is scalding hot, just the way he likes it, and he stays under the spray until the temperature drops. He shaves and brushes his teeth, tightening the leaking tap once he’s finished.

He pads out of the bathroom and over to his closet. He picks out a fresh suit every day, all designer, and all over the thousand dollar price tag. His impressive collection of designer ties and tailor-made suits fills up a closet that spans one length of his bedroom. His collection of coats, jackets, scarves and shoes, as well as his sports gear and casual clothes take up a second closet in one of the other bedrooms. He takes the phrase ‘ _dress to impress_ ’ seriously, and always tries to look his best at work. He even has a second closet in his office in case of accidents with cups of coffee or ink splodges.

He doesn’t have many indulgences. He’s not obsessed with fast cars or yachts like his similarly well off friends. He has two cars, one for business and one for pleasure. He doesn’t own a yacht, but he does like travelling, so makes sure the company’s helicopter can be ready at a moment’s notice for trips down to his ranch or his mountain cabin. His main indulgence, apart from designer labels, is watches. He has nearly fifty, worth tens of thousands each. Once his suit is on, he goes to a chest of drawers and pulls open the top drawer. He runs his fingers over the selection of diamond encrusted, gold plated watches, each one completely different and unique. He picks out a simple watch; there are no jewels or flashy designs, just a plain black leather strap, worn at the clasp from being used so much, and a silver plated circular face.

It’s only when he’s downstairs in his kitchen, first pot of coffee made and his newspaper delivered, that he switches off autopilot. His hair is still damp against the back of his neck and his tie is hanging loosely around his neck, still waiting to be tied, as he sits at his breakfast bar and sips his coffee. He reads the business section of the newspaper first, his need to know the status of his competition almost an addiction. He knows the moment he stops paying attention to what the other companies are doing is the moment his company stops being number one. It’s only because he’s been able to anticipate their moves, and counter them, that’s kept him where he is. It’s just one large chess game played out in real life.

His eyes land on a small article, only a column long as he reads it in between sips of coffee. Some businessman in Houston has been caught with another woman by a private investigator. The piece talks about photos that were taken, but there’s no image to go with the story. He reads on to discover the man had disgraced the whole company and was forced to step down. His wife has already started divorce proceedings. He doesn’t know the man, they don’t work in the same circles, but he finds himself feeling sorry for a man who was caught cheating on his wife. He doesn’t condone cheating; he certainly wouldn’t if he was in a relationship. Problem is, he can’t have a relationship, not with a woman, and certainly not with a man. He knows his friends would probably understand if he came out to them, at least eventually. But a large proportion of his business associates are old money Texans with certain views on the world. If he came out, none of them would return his calls ever again. It could have been him in the newspaper, photos of him and Jensen together at his hotel. He can’t risk it, not now. He closes the paper without reading the rest, and gulps down his still hot coffee.

He makes it to work a little earlier than usual and is surprised to find Sandy at her desk. She’s always there before him, but he’s never actually wondered what time she gets into work in the morning.  He drops his laptop on his desk and hangs his coat up, before joining Sandy in the outer office where she works.

“You’re in early,” she remarks, looking up from her computer to study him.

“Just woke up early,” he gives her half a shrug, “Thought I should get in early and catch up with what I missed yesterday,” _When I was with Jensen_ he adds silently. He’s never felt guilty about his meetings with Jensen before, why does he feel bad for lying to Sandy now?

“Everything okay?” She asks.

Jared puts on an easy smile, “Sure,” he knows Sandy is pretty observant, and if he’s not careful, she’s going to get suspicious, and when she’s suspicious, she doesn’t normally stop digging until she gets an answer.

“Oookay,” she turns back to her computer, but Jared doesn’t believe he’s gotten away with it.

“What do I have today?”

“You have a meeting with Richard about the extension at Whitehall hotel in an hour and then marketing want to talk to you about the Club One Hundred campaign,” Jared nods, another usual day. “After that you’re pretty chock-a-block until five. Coffee?” She offers.

It’s only been twenty minutes since his last coffee, but he nods anyway, the more coffee the better. She gets up from her seat and passes him. The scent of her perfume lingers around and Jared takes comfort in the familiar smell. He sits there staring at the timetable on Sandy’s computer for a moment more before he returns to his office, closing the door behind him. He heads straight for his floor to ceiling windows which overlook San Antonio. He’s never gotten used to the impressive view, and he always finds himself staring out the window in wonder. He can see people below, walking on the sidewalk or crossing the road, and he makes up stories about who these people are, and where they’re going. Today all he sees is moving blurs of colour. He doesn’t care where they’re going. Or who they are. He thinks about Jensen, wonders what he’s doing, if he’s still asleep, or if some nurse has woken him up with orange juice and some badly made eggs on toast. Even if he could risk it, he’s too busy to see Jensen He can’t miss two days off work in a row, not when he’s in the middle of buying a new hotel and extending another. Jensen would understand if he explained. He thinks about picking up the phone, ringing the hospital, and telling Jensen all this. He knows it’s an excuse though. The truth is, Jensen is right, and he can’t risk everything he has for him. He doesn’t ring the hospital. He knows Jensen doesn’t expect him to turn up anyway. It feels wrong to just disappear when he promised more, but he has to do it, and he knows Jensen’s thinking the same thing.

********

Jensen is woken by a different nurse than yesterday. This one pushes the door open so hard it swings back and hits the wall loudly, jerking Jensen from his sleep. Being rudely awoken by a scowling nurse is not his preferred morning routine.

“Mr Ackles,” she greets him, but it sounds like she’s done fifty of these morning wake ups already and is desperate for a cigarette. She presses a button on his bed and it lifts him until he’s in a sitting position. An over-bed table is wheeled over and fitted in front of him, banging his elbow. He glares at her through thin slits. His eyelids still feel heavy, and there’s no way he’ll be fully awake until he’s had at least three cups of coffee. He’s not impressed with the glass of orange juice placed on the table, or the plate of soggy toast and lukewarm egg which look suspiciously green. “Eat up,” she tells him with a weary sigh as she moves around the room using the minimum of effort.

“I need coffee,” he tells her.

“No coffee,” she replies, before disappearing out of the room, and Jensen realises she never once looked at him.  Once he’s on his own again he pushes the food around the plate and takes a sip of the juice. He doesn’t feel that hungry anyway. He pushes the table away and reaches on the nightstand for the TV remote.  It takes a couple of tries to get the TV, which is bracketed to the wall on his left, to turn on, and when it does, most of the channels are too fuzzy to watch. He only finds two working channels, one’s showing a Jerry Springer marathon and the other is showing a programme about sailing. He’s interested in neither, but he sticks with the sailing. At least it’s vaguely more interesting than fucked up families throwing chairs at each other on TV.

The balloons have deflated over night, and he stares at them, hovering a few inches off the ground, as he listens to an old guy drone on about different types of boats. He wishes someone would take them away, they just look sad now, like a vase of dead flowers. The fruit basket is still sat beside him on the night stand, completely untouched, and the book is unread, the corner still folded down where Jared ended.

He doesn’t want to think about Jared, but the balloons and the fruit and the cheesy romance novel all remind Jensen of his visit yesterday, and the sailing programme does nothing to distract his thoughts.

He’s learning about sailing knots when a different nurse appears. She takes one look at his uneaten breakfast and frowns at him. “Come on Mr Ackles, you need to eat up, keeps you strong and healthy.” She tells him, her tone sickly sweet and condescending. 

Jensen’s eyes slowly drift towards the nurse and he looks at her with disdain. She’s a little too perky for Jensen’s liking. “I have cancer; I think _healthy_ flew out the window a while ago.”

“Well,” she replies, flustered from Jensen’s bluntness, “You’d better eat all your lunch when I bring it later,” Jensen doesn’t say anything, just turns back to the TV. She fiddles with his IV for a moment and checks his chart, before making her way back to the door.

“Hey,” Jensen calls before she can leave.

She turns to him, “Yes?”

“Can you do something with those?” He points to the balloons, “They’re depressing the hell out of me.”

She gathers the hovering balloons up without a word, just sighs occasionally, like he’s asked her to pick up a pile of bricks. “And take this as well,” he prods the fruit basket.

“Maybe you should keep that, in case you get hungry.”

“Either take it, or watch it go bad,” Jensen returns sharply. He knows he’s being crabby but he’s just had surgery, for crying out loud. He’s down one testicle, he’s allowed to be a little moody. With one hand gripping the balloon strings, she picks up the basket and rests it on her hip.

“Get some rest now Mr Ackles.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jensen’s attention is already back on the TV, uninterested in the nurse and her requests. She leaves just as the credits start to roll. He’s relieved to be left alone for a second before a show about apple picking comes on. It’s slightly more bearable than the sailing show…but that’s really not saying much.

It’s only when the smell of cold egg hits his nose that he realises the nurse left his breakfast. It smells greasy and disgusting, and it makes him feel sick. He grumbles under his breath and pushes the table as far away as possible, before hunkering down under the covers, pulling them up over his shoulder and closes his eyes.  The egg smell doesn’t go away and he scrunches up his nose and breathes through his mouth.

He’s glad that the balloons and fruit have disappeared. They were only reminders of Jared’s brief appearance. He knows it’s not going to happen again, so why hold onto his gifts like they mean anything? It doesn’t matter what Jared said to him, he’s not coming back, and he certainly won’t be teaching him chess, or becoming his friend. He doesn’t do friends, he relies on himself and himself only, it’s how it’s always been. He quashes the last threads of hope that Jared might prove him wrong and push through the barriers Jensen puts up between him and the world. There’s no point in dreaming, he’s not Julia Roberts and Jared isn’t Richard Gere. He learned a long time ago to believe in reality, not hopes and dreams. People don’t dream of being prostitutes, they fall to rock bottom, and it’s their only ladder out.

He shifts under the covers until he’s lying on his other side and he stares at the one last reminder of Jared’s visit. The book sits on the nightstand at an angle, the corner over the edge exactly where Jared left it. His hand slips out from under the blankets and he pushes the book until it falls into the trash basket beside the bed. It falls with a thump, and Jensen stares at it for a moment before turning back over and falling to sleep.

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

It’s been eight days since Jared last saw Jensen. He hasn’t been counting; he’s been too busy to even think about his own family, let alone the ex-hooker. He’s had non-stop problems at a building site for a new hotel, employment issues at another, and he’s about to launch a new advertising campaign that’s costing him millions.

So when he answers his phone, expecting it to be his PR manager, he’s a little taken aback by the voice of a nurse, who announces that she works in the hospital Jensen’s in. He swallows the bite of Danish he’s been chewing, puts it down on the side, and picks up his phone. “Hello?”

“Is that Jared Padalecki?” Jared’s eyes flick to the pocket calendar on his desk and he counts out the eight days. “Mr Padalecki?” The nurse asks again when Jared doesn’t answer her. He’s more than a little surprised by the phone call. He remembers giving the nurse his number that day in the hospital. Apparently Jensen had no-one on his emergency contact list, and Jared had quickly handed over his number without thinking of the consequences.

“Yes,” Jared finally speaks, shaking himself out of his thoughts. “Yes, this is Jared Padalecki.”

“This is CountyHospital. I’m calling about Jensen, your brother.”

Jared frowns, “Is he okay?” Why would they call unless something was wrong? They’d caught the cancer early, that’s what they’d told him. What if something had gone wrong after the surgery, an infection or something worse?

The nurse chuckles gently and Jared relaxes. If she’s laughing, then it can’t be too serious. “Everything’s fine Mr Padalecki. It’s just that your brother’s being discharged today, and we’d really prefer it if he was picked up, and had someone to stay with for a couple of days. Can you do that?”

Jared picks up his PDA and presses a few buttons to find his diary. It was connected to Sandy’s computer, so his timetable is always up to date. Every single day was filled with meetings and events. He sighs. He’d made the decision to step back and leave Jensen alone, just like Jensen wanted, just like he had to, but the nurse doesn’t know that. Should he say no, and get back to work, or make his way to the hospital, and actually try and help Jensen? Would Jensen even want his help now? He certainly hadn’t wanted it over a week ago, why would he want it now? He also knows how much of a risk it still is to everything he’s built up.

He runs a hand through his hair, and sighs again, “When will he be discharged?”

“The doctor’s going to check him over in hour or two; after that, he’s free to go.” she answers.

“I’ll see what I can do.” He gives her a non committal answer and hangs up. All the doubts and guilt from eight days ago come flooding back. His eyes fall to his half eaten pastry, and just the sight of it makes his stomach turn.

Sandy bursts into the room, chatting non-stop about the latest gossip from the break room, a handful of files tucked under her arm, but Jared’s not listening, and he barely even glances in her direction.

“I need you to sign-,” She stops and stares at Jared with a frown. “Jared...Jared...Jared!” She calls, trying to snap him out of it. She shakes his shoulder gently and his head snaps up.

“What?”

Sandy places the files down on his desk and puts her free hand on her waist. She looks at him with a worried expression, one that Jared’s seen many times before.  The last time was when his granddad was dying.

“Okay, you want to tell me what’s going on inside that gorgeous head of yours?” Jared opens his mouth, ready to fob Sandy off. “And don’t even try to tell me it’s nothing. I know you Jared, don’t forget that.” She perches on the edge of the desk and folds her arms across her chest. “I’m not leaving until you talk, and don’t try firing me. That didn’t work last week, or the week before, or the week before that.” She smirks.

Jared loves Sandy like a sister, but she doesn’t know about his sexual preferences. No-one does, and he just doesn’t know what to tell her. That he’s been seeing a male prostitute for over two years, and now said prostitute has cancer and needs someone to look after him, because he has no-one else, but that helping him could do a lot of damage to the company she works for and ruin his reputation?  It’s not that he doesn’t trust Sandy with the knowledge; he knows she would accept his choices. It’s just he’s never told anyone, and it’s just become habit to hide it. On the other hand, Sandy might be young, but she’s always been fairly wise. Everyone in the building goes to her when they have a problem. Maybe she could help him make a decision.

“Okay,” Jared sags into his leather chair and looks up at Sandy, “Someone you don’t know very well needs help, and you’re the only person that can help. The problem is that helping them might cause serious damage to a whole other part of your life. Do you help them, or ignore them?”

Sandy’s frown deepens as she thinks over Jared’s vague question. “This damage.....what are we talking about here? A friendship, lover?”

“A large business people have invested a lot of time and energy into.”

“And this person that needs help, is it life and death?”

Jared swallows hard, “It could be.” He answers quietly.

“Well, what’s more important Jared?”

Jared spins his chair around to face the window. Sandy’s right. What was more important? Jensen’s health, maybe his even his life, or his bank account? He knows what he has to do now, or at least he knows what he needs to do. He still doesn’t know if Jensen will accept his help, not that he plans to let Jensen convince him to walk away a second time.  “Hey, Sands?”

“Yeah?”

“I need you to cancel everything today.”

“You sure?”

Jared looks back at Sandy and smiles, “Very.” He lifts himself up out of his seat and leans down briefly to kiss Sandy on the cheek. “What would I do without you?”

“Crash and burn,” Sandy answers. “You going to finish that Danish?”

 Jared shakes his head. “It’s all yours.”

“Sweet,” she picks up the pastry and makes her way back to her desk outside. “Sign those forms before you leave!” She calls back.

“Yeah, yeah.” He drops back into his seat, picks up his pen, and quickly signs the forms Sandy’s brought him. It takes him a good twenty minutes to sign his John Hancock on every dotted line that she’s highlighted, and he shuts the folder of forms with a sigh of relief once it’s all completed.

He grabs his jacket from the hook by the door, and steps out into the outer office where Sandy’s sitting. “I’m off now.”

“Gonna tell me where?” Sandy asks, glancing at Jared. Sandy hates being out of the loop, and he knows she’s just itching for information. Jared just shrugs; he doesn’t know what to tell Sandy. “You’ll call if you need anything?”

“You know I will,” Jared smiles softly at his friend. “Don’t stay too late,” Jared orders, then strides out of the room towards the elevator.

He makes his way down to the reception hall and out to the car park, managing only a couple of smiles, and a wave to co-workers. He likes to get to know all the people that work for him, and he knows a lot of them by name, even the janitors. He normally couldn’t escape the building without looking at kid’s photos, or hearing about a holiday, so he’s glad at his uninterrupted exit.

He slides into his car and pulls out of his space, nodding to the guard at the barrier before driving onto the main road towards the hospital. He’s glad he’s finally made a decision about Jensen, but he’s still nervous about Jensen’s reaction to him. He promised he’d return, and he never did, so he doesn’t expect Jensen will want anything to do with him. He just has to convince Jensen he doesn’t plan to leave this time, and ignore Jensen when he tells him to leave again.

He wrinkles his nose as soon as he steps into the hospital, as a huge waft of antiseptic hits his nose. He’s reminded of his hatred of hospitals, and he tries to breathe through his mouth as he takes the elevator up to Jensen’s floor. He smiles politely at the nurse at the front desk. He doesn’t recognise him from last time, and he introduces himself as Jensen’s brother.

 “Oh right, my supervisor told me you might be coming for Jensen.” The nurse explains.

“Yeah” Jared shifts his weight around. “Just had to clear my schedule.” He’s still nervous about being face to face with Jensen again, and just being back in the hospital isn’t helping. He doesn’t know how he’s going to convince Jensen to let him help, but the quicker he does, the quicker they can leave the hospital.  “Is he ready to go?”

“Just about,” the nurse answers. “The doctor’s just finished with him. He’s just got to sign some forms, and then he’s all yours.”

“And what about aftercare?”

“Just rest and relaxation, he doesn’t need any stress or hassle. Make sure he eats enough every day, and takes his pills. A letter will be sent with the date of his first round of chemo.”

“Thanks.” Jared nods, and starts to make his way towards Jensen’s room, when the nurse calls after him.

“I’ll be in with the forms in five minutes.”

Jared sucks in a couple of deep breaths as he takes the few steps needed to get to Jensen’s room.  He’s so unprepared for this, but he knows if he doesn’t go into Jensen’s room now, he never will, and no matter how much Jensen denies it, he needs Jared. He just hasn’t worked out why he seems to need Jensen yet. He looks through the window in the door, just like he had the first time. This time he can see all of Jensen, who’s sitting on the edge of the bed, his legs swinging impatiently underneath. He’s sitting in a pair of track pants and a loose t-shirt, and Jared doesn’t think he’s ever met another guy who can make old loose fitting pants and creased t-shirts look so hot.

His heart beats loudly in his chest as he takes the door knob in his hand and pushes it open. He steps into the room, and Jensen looks up. His bored expression immediately disappears, and is replaced with a cold wall. His posture turns stiff and guarded, and Jared winces at the welcome he knows he’s about to get.

“What are you doing here?” Jensen asks.

“I, uh, gave my number to the nurse last time I was here. They called me,” he scratches the back of his neck. Hard-assed Texans with more money than he does don’t make him as nervous as Jensen can. “They still think I’m your brother, and they don’t want you to go home alone.”

“What they want, and what I want, are two separate things.” Jensen folds his arms across his chest tightly, and glares at Jared.

Jared sighs, “I’m sorry...”

Jensen frowns at him for a moment, before looking away; deciding the fake plant on the windowsill is more interesting to look at than Jared. “For what?”

“I said I was going to come back and I never did, I just...”

“Don’t bother Jared. I know why you didn’t come back.”

“I’m still sorry....I don’t like breaking a promise.”

Jensen snorted, “Whatever Jared. Can you please just leave now? I don’t need you, or anybody else, to look after me”

“Well, what you need, and what everyone else thinks you need, are two separate things.” Jared throws Jensen’s words back at him.

“So, you’re planning on taking me back home, like some stray cat, and looking after me? For how long? Until you remember I’m just a hooker, and you can’t be seen anywhere near me? Then are you just going to disappear for another week, until the guilt plays up again? I’m not some toy you can pick up and drop when you feel like it Jared. I just want you to leave me alone.”

Jared shakes his head firmly, “Not this time.”

Jensen groans, “God Jared, what will it take for you to leave me the fuck alone?”

Jared takes a step towards Jensen, ignoring the way Jensen leans back slightly. “You might think you can do this on your own now, but what happens when you’re having chemo, and so tired you can’t even lift your head up, let alone make yourself dinner? When you’re so tired you can’t clean your apartment, or shop for food. All you can do is throw up and sleep, feeling better only for a few days, right before you’re due your next round of chemo.”

“Why are you doing this Jared? Why me?” Jensen asks, his tone dull and defeated.

“Haven’t we gone over this before?” Jared asks softly, tilting his head to one side. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other.  “Why can’t you ever just accept help when it’s being offered you?”

“I don’t rely on other people Jared, I never...” he stops, and his eyes fall to the floor. “I’m responsible for me.”

“I’m not asking for anything Jensen. I don’t want to be your mother, or your nurse. I want to be your friend. I want to make sure you have enough food in your cupboards, enough frozen meals to live on. I want to make sure you get to and from chemo in one piece. What is so _fucking_ wrong with that?” Jared sighs. “I understand you’re using to looking after yourself Jensen, but sometimes you _have_ to let someone look after you.”

Jensen’s eyes flick up to meet Jared’s, “And if the worst happens? Some curious reporter does some digging, and finds out the truth about what I am, and our previous _business_ relationship?”

He shrugs, aiming for nonchalance. “It’s only money.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow, “Say that to me again when your company goes down the toilet.”

“Some things are more important than work.” Jensen doesn’t reply, and an awkward silence falls over the room. Jared doesn’t know what else to say to Jensen to convince him that he’s serious. Jared’s head snaps around to the door when the nurse walks in, his hand gripping some sheets of paper.

“Here we are Mr. Ackles. Sign these, and you’re free to go.”

“Thanks.” Jensen takes the forms, and the offered pen, and pulls the table towards him to sign them.

“I think I’ll go check on my aunt whilst you fill those out,” Jared decides, feeling stupid just standing there. “I’ll be back in ten, okay?”

“Sure, whatever.” Jensen sighs, not even looking up at him.

Jared opens his mouth, ready to promise his return, when he realises it will mean nothing to Jensen, at least, not coming from him. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, turns, and leaves quietly.

*******************************

Jared’s aunt is more than surprised by his impromptu visit, and starts on about the state of her chicken dinner last night, and the soggy toast she had for breakfast.

“Honestly Tristan,” she shakes her head at him, using his middle name, like she’s done since the day he was born. “How much money have you donated to this hospital? You’d think it could get me a decent cup of coffee.”

Jared sits with his hands squeezed between his knees as she starts on about her doctor, who apparently has an annoyingly squeaky voice, and all he can think about is getting back to Jensen as soon as possible. He keeps an eye on his watch, and makes a hasty escape ten minutes later, promising to return in a couple of days with some proper coffee.

His normal stride quickens as soon as he’s on Jensen’s floor, and he flies through the waiting room and the main corridor, bursting into Jensen’s room.

“Told you I’d be-,” he starts as he walks around the drawn curtain, and freezes mid step when he sees the bed is empty. His brow furrows as he sees Jensen’s bag is missing as well. The bathroom is just as vacant, and Jared lets out a frustrated sigh and runs his fingers through his hair. He knows he should’ve expected this. He hadn’t really realised how difficult Jensen was going to be, how independent, how _alone_ he was, and he realises he should have expected Jensen to leave just as soon as Jared was out of the way. He knows Jensen doesn’t want anything to do with him, but he just has to prove to the other man that he only wants to help.

First step is finding Jensen. He has no idea where Jensen lives, and doesn’t even know where to start looking for him. He leaves the empty room as nurses come in to change the bed sheets and makes his way back into the reception room, where a large, rambunctious family are filling the room with senseless chatter. A nervous tension occupies the room, and Jared knows they’re all waiting on another family member, hoping they pull through the surgery. His eyes fall on two boys sitting on the floor, playing with the hospital’s meagre supply of children’s toys.

He grins as an idea hits him, and he resists the urge to look up for a light bulb above his head. He steps over to the reception desk, where the same male nurse from earlier is sitting. “Hey,” he greets, and the man looks up from the computer screen.

“Can I help?”

“Yeah,” Jared rests his hands on top of the desk and smiles at the man, “My brother, he left without me-,” The nurse raises an eyebrow, “I know, I know,” Jared rolls his eyes. “He’s my half brother. Long story short, he’s a pain in my ass and I’m a pain in his...but we’re still brothers, so...,” he lies, hoping his explanation is believable.

“I see. I did wonder about the surnames.” The nurse says slowly.

“Anyway, I accidentally deleted his address off my blackberry, and I do really want to make sure he’s okay. I don’t like the idea of him alone right now.” He pulls out the puppy eyes; they’ve never failed him in the past.

The nurse worries his bottom lip in between his teeth as he decides what to do.

“Please,” Jared tries. “This is my brother we’re talking about.”

The nurse sighs, “Okay, I guess there’s nothing wrong with giving it over to you.” His fingers reach for the keyboard, and they clack against the keys for a moment. He picks up a pen, and a piece of scrap paper, and scribbles down the address. “Here,” he hands it over.

“Thank you so much,” Jared takes the paper, suppressing his victorious grin. He says goodbye, turns, and makes a quick exit. He doesn’t look down at the folded piece of paper in his hand until he’s in his car. He doesn’t recognise the address, and so he inserts it into his GPS. The gadget directs him to a part of the city he’s never gone to before. He’s more used to long streets, with giant houses spaced far apart, or high rise buildings made of glass and steel in the city centre. Not these thin streets, with run down houses packed tightly together. Some of the houses are completely abandoned, cardboard over the windows, and graffiti tags covering the board. The nicer buildings still have cracked paint and windows so dirty you couldn’t see inside.  He can’t believe Jensen lives here, especially since he knows how much Jensen earned from selling his services, at least if he charged his other clients what he’d charged Jared.

“ _You have reached your destination_ ,” The female voice tells him from the GPS speakers and he stops the car. He glances up at the five storey apartment block to his right. It wasn’t one of the nicer buildings, but it wasn’t one of the most dilapidated buildings either. There was a variety of graffiti and posters pasted to the front of the building, and the roof didn’t look completely waterproof. Two teenage girls were sat on the front steps sharing a cigarette. He climbed out of his car, making sure to lock it properly, before walking towards the building. He just hopes his sixty thousand dollar car won’t get stolen while he’s inside.

The girls don’t move a muscle as he makes his way up the steps, and he finds himself having to climb over them, thankful for his long legs. He wrinkles his nose as he steps into the building. There’s an odd smell coming from somewhere, and he’s not sure he wants to know where, and what, it is.  He practically jogs up the three flights of stairs needed to get to Jensen’s floor, his teeth gritted all the way. He doesn’t know how anyone could live in such appalling conditions. He finally finds apartment thirty two, the three is missing, and there’s just a faint outline where it used to be. He makes a fist and knocks on the wooden door three times. When there’s no immediate answer, he knocks again. 

“Okay okay!” A muffled voice says from the other side of the door.  It finally swings open, and the change of expression on Jensen’s face happens so quickly that Jared barely notices it.

Jared pushes past Jensen and enters the apartment “Nice try Jensen, you can’t get rid of me that-,” he stops when he sees the state of the apartment. Everything is a dusty brown colour, and it looks like the interior hasn’t been updated in twenty years. The carpet is stained, and there are patches so worn that there’s no carpet left. The small kitchen area is run down, a couple of cabinet doors are missing, and the tap is dripping.  Folded at the end of the (at least) ten year old couch is a blanket and pillow, and Jared can’t believe Jensen’s been sleeping on the couch. “This is where you live?”

“Yeah, this is where I live,” Jensen glares at Jared for a moment as he slams the door shut.

“But....”

Jensen raises an eyebrow, “But what?” He walks over to the couch, his movements slow and careful.

“I know how much I was paying you Jensen, and I _know_ I wasn’t your only client.”

Jensen’s lip quirked, “Well, being a prostitute doesn’t exactly come with health insurance,” he explains. “I had to sell my apartment and car to pay for the treatment.”

“Shit, Jensen,” Jared does a three sixty of the room. “You can’t live here.”

“This place is all I can afford Jared. What do you want me to do? Live on the streets?”

Jared looks up at the mould growing on the ceiling, “It’d be less of a health hazard than this place,” he replies. “I’m serious Jensen, this place is going to make you feel worse, not better.”

“I have no choice!” Jensen snaps. “I don’t have millions of dollars in a bank account somewhere!”

Jared lets out a deep breath and stares at Jensen. He needs to get Jensen out of this apartment and somewhere healthy, somewhere where he can relax, and not worry about getting even sicker because of where he’s living. Jared isn’t even thinking now. He’s operating on instinct, a need to protect Jensen. “There is _one_ other option,” Jared suggests.

“Yeah, what’s that? Go back to work? Fuck some more sweaty middle aged men for a roof over my head while my hair falls out?”

“Come live with me.”

Jensen’s head snaps up and his eyes meet Jared’s, “What?”

“I've got a big house Jensen, with more rooms than I need, and it’s actually _safe_ to live in.”

“No,” Jensen shakes his head, “I’m not moving in with you.”

“Why?” Jared questions, tilting his head to one side.

“Because!” Jensen replies.

Jared snorts “That’s not a valid reason Jensen; I can’t see any reasons why you shouldn’t...can you?”

“This is wrong Jared. You used to pay me for sex on a fairly regular basis. You think we can go from that to living with each other?”

Jared shrugs, “Why not?”

“Jared, don’t be so dense,” he sighs. “What are you going to want from me in return?”

Jared frowned, “In return for what?”

“I can’t afford to pay you rent Jared. What are you going to want in return for me living with you?” He demands.

“Nothing.”

“Jared...”

“No Jensen, I don’t need anything. You living there isn’t going to cost me, apart from a few extra items on my shopping list,” he smiles gently. “Come on Jensen. If it doesn’t work out, we can sort something else out,” he adds, taking a step towards Jensen, still sitting on the couch, his eyes trained on the floor. “Think about your health Jensen. Think about what’s best for you...is this crap-hole it?” Jared asks softly, hoping to appeal to Jensen’s logical side.

Jensen looks around the one room apartment. He doesn’t need to see it’s squalor through Jared’s eyes. He already knows. He hated living there the few weeks before his operation, and the thought of staying there is weighing heavily on him. Still. Living with a john? Moreover, one with Jared’s profile and issues? He still isn’t sure what’s going on with his former client. Why this sudden need to play the philanthropist?

Then again, why look a gift horse in the mouth? He can always leave. If Jared thinks he’s getting sex on tap, he’s going to be sadly mistaken. Jensen’s done his research. He knows that once his chemo starts, he’s not going to be doing anything but puking and sleeping. With that in mind, he makes a decision, and gives Jared an out.

Jensen’s eyes slowly meet Jared’s, “Two weeks,” he finally says.

“What?”

“A trial period, two weeks. If I don’t like it, I’m allowed to leave, and you have to leave me alone.”

“Deal,” Jared grins. He’s going to do whatever it takes to make Jensen feel at home, so he won’t want to leave after two weeks. He refuses to analyse why he needs to do this. “Come on then, let’s get packing.”

Jensen rolls his eyes, “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

Jared just grins. Jensen gives him the task of putting his clothes into a bag, while he collects up his personal possessions; even if the two week trial doesn’t work, Jensen doesn’t want to return to this apartment. He doesn’t have much; he had to sell most of it. A combination of not having the space for it, and needing the money.

When he looks at his possessions, gathered together, he feels kinda humiliated. There’s not much there to show for thirty years of living, and what there is, is mostly tattered. Jared doesn’t comment though, just goes about collecting Jensen’s stuff.

Once they’re finished they walk down the stairs and fill Jared’s car with Jensen’s belongings. Before they leave, Jensen re-enters the building and pushes his key through his landlord’s letterbox.

Jensen fiddles with the radio during the journey to Jared’s place. He doesn’t want to see the run down area he’s leaving, or the private community they enter. He only looks out of the window as the car pulls into a driveway and the engine’s cut off. “This is it?” He looks up at the large house, a mix of modern and classic design, with giant windows and an impressive entrance.

“This is it,” Jared confirms.

“Nice,” he climbs out of the car, and reaches into the back for his bag. He can bring in the rest of his belongings later, once he’s settled. _If_ he ever gets settled. He can’t relax. If he does, he might get too comfortable in Jared’s house, and that’s the last thing he wants. This is only temporary, _very_ temporary, and he can’t let himself get attached to any of it.

“Come on, I’ll give you a tour of the place,” Jared leads him up the path and Jensen waits awkwardly behind him as he unlocks the front door. Jared pushes the door open, and takes a step back to let Jensen in. His eyes widen at the large open plan living and dining room he steps into. Everything has been perfectly designed to match, and Jensen doesn’t even want to think about how much it all cost. Yet, even though the room is large and spacious, and the furniture looks expensive, it still feels comfortable and homely.

“Well, this is the living room,” Jared waves his arms at the room.

“No shit,” Jensen retorts.

Jared just smiles and leads Jensen to the kitchen. He points out a few necessities, like his prized coffee machine, and then leads him up the staircase to the bedrooms.

“This is yours,” he says, as he grasps the handle tightly and twists it. He pushes the door open, and steps to the side, to let Jensen walk in first.

Jensen raises an eyebrow at the size of the double bedroom. He drops his bag down on the bed and checks out the equally large en-suite bathroom with walk in shower. “All of it?” He questions, and Jared laughs.

“Yep, all of it,” Jared pushed his hands into his pockets. “My bedroom is down the other end of the hall.”

Jensen’s expression darkens for a split second, “Good to know,” he says quietly, avoiding Jared’s gaze.

Jared’s oblivious to the change in Jensen’s demeanour, and he continues, “I’ll be phoning for food about eight, is that okay?” Jensen nods, “Awesome......well, I’ll let you get settled,” Jared turns and shuts the door behind him.

Jensen drops down onto the bed and stares at his new home, well, for two weeks at least, and starts to wonder if he’s made a big mistake. 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

 

 

The first two weeks that Jensen lives with Jared pass quickly, and without any drama. He keeps his distance from Jared, which leaves any interaction between them awkward and stilted.  Conversations stay short and never move past sports or the weather, which is fine by Jensen. Jared tries to be friendly, but doesn’t want to say anything to make Jensen feel like he has to leave, and Jensen is still waiting for Jared to demand sex in return for his new living arrangements. Why else would Jared ask him to live with him? He knows that Jared watches him when he thinks he isn’t looking, and he also knows Jared isn’t going to anyone else to satisfy his needs.

The only time they really spend together is dinner time. Jared orders takeout, and they eat it in front of the large flat screen TV. They don’t talk in between mouthfuls, and Jared always gives control of the remote over to Jensen. He seems to be happy to watch whatever Jensen wants to watch which, during dinner, is usually basketball or football. After dinner, Jensen takes the plates into the kitchen, and Jared disappears into his office for a couple of hours to prepare for the next day, then goes up to bed, without another word to Jensen.

It’s a recipe for disaster, and Jared knows it’s going to come back and haunt him, but he doesn’t know how else to do things. He’s so afraid of spooking Jensen and making him run.

Jensen spends most evenings downstairs flicking through Jared’s five hundred channels and eating popcorn. The couch moulds to his body, and he’s fallen asleep in front of the TV twice already.  He finds himself staying up late and watching the shopping channels, rolling his eyes at the ridiculous inventions being sold and trying to figure out how the female presenters can pick up any of the items they are selling with fake nails that look more like long claws.

Tonight, only a day later, he climbs the stairs at a slow pace, tired from an early morning that day, and a late night from the day before, and pauses at the top for a moment. He’s not going to admit that the staircase wears him out sometimes. Damn, he hasn’t even started chemo yet!

A noise from Jared’s bedroom catches his attention, and he pads down the hall to Jared’s room, too curious for his own good. The sounds grow louder as he presses his ear to Jared’s door, and heat floods his body as he recognises the sounds as moans. He could recognise that sound anywhere; he used to pull those moans from Jared on a regular basis. His hand grips the doorknob, and he finds himself turning it and opening the door a crack. He can’t help himself. From the sliver of open door he can see Jared laid back on his bed, completely naked. Jared’s eyes are scrunched tightly closed, and he hasn’t noticed his audience. Jensen’s never been much of a voyeur, but he can’t take his eyes away from Jared pumping his fist up and down his thick erection. Jared bites his lip and increases the pace; he swipes a thumb over the head of his dick, and gasps loudly. Jensen resists the urge to watch Jared continue on to completion. He shuts the door as quietly as possible, and disappears down the hall and into his bedroom.

He starts to wonder if Jared goes up to bed early every night to jerk off, which leads him to wonder if this is normal for Jared, or if it’s due to Jensen’s presence in the house.  He strips off his clothes, leaving them on a pile on the floor, and enters his en suite. He turns the dial in the shower down to freezing, and steps inside. The shock of the cold water makes him jerk and shiver, and it’s pure torture, but he can’t afford to let Jared affect him.

Making Jared think he has some kind of effect on him will only spur Jared on. Unasked and unresolved questions would only become more and more apparent, making matters even more uncomfortable between them. If Jared wanted sex, if he was going to actually throw him out afterwards, then why not get it out of the way? Bring everything out into the open. Jensen always likes to know where he stands, after all.

Then again, maybe getting the sex out of the way early will stop the awkward conversation and heated looks Jared hasn’t realised Jensen knows about. Two weeks ago the plan had been no sex, and he’d been happy with that, sceptical, but happy, but there is some serious unresolved sexual tension that needs to dissipate. He’s tired of waiting for Jared to make a move, and maybe it’s time he takes control of the situation. Sex they could do, they were both good at it, and it’s obvious Jared wants it.  And once Jared is satisfied sexually, he’ll have no need for Jensen, and finally chuck him out. Why wait for the inevitable to happen, when he can make it happen himself? And get good sex out of it too.  

He steps out of the shower, dries himself off, and dresses in a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt. As he pulls back his covers, he hears Jared’s bedroom door open and shut, and then footsteps descending the stairs. It’s late, but it’s better to get this over with, at least as far as Jensen’s concerned

This is his chance, and he knows it. He throws the covers back and exits his room. As he makes his way down the staircase, he can hear clattering and the kettle boiling. His heart starts to beats faster in his chest as he nears the kitchen, stupidly like every other time he’s had appointments with Jared. He knows what Jared likes, and he plans to give Jared exactly what he wants. Nothing more, nothing less. He finds it easy to slip into character, like a worn leather coat. His whole body straightens, his movement becomes purposeful, and his eyes darken like a cat on the prowl.

He stands in the doorway from a moment and watches Jared, his back turned to Jensen as he stirs his mug of tea.

“It’s been two weeks you know,” Jensen makes himself known, and Jared pauses mid-stir. He pulls the teaspoon out of the mug and drops it into the sink, before turning around to face Jensen.  The hair around his face is damp, and it looks like he’s thrown water over his face to cool himself down, but the flush covering his cheeks shows it didn’t really work. There’s a guilty expression on his face and he avoids looking at Jensen directly. Maybe he knows Jensen watched him jerk off, or maybe he’d thought about Jensen whilst he masturbated. From his expression, Jensen can’t be sure.

“Yeah,” Jared says quietly. He takes a small sip of his steaming tea. “Are you staying or going?”

“You want me to leave?”

Jared’s obviously taken aback by Jensen’s question, and his face crumples into a deep frown, accompanied by another slight blush, “God no!”

Jensen takes a couple of steps towards Jared, and asks another question, “What do you want?”

“What do I want?” Jared repeats the question.

Jensen takes another step forward, “I heard you...upstairs,” Jared’s face turns even redder as he blushes yet again. “Is that what you want? To jerk off every night?” Jensen takes another two steps forward. He lifts the mug out of Jared’s hands and places it down on the worktop.

“Jensen?” Jared straightens up a little and presses himself back against the work surface. “What are you-” Jensen closes the gap between them and cuts Jared off with a kiss. Jared freezes, his body stiff against Jensen’s from shock. Jensen’s left hand winds around Jared’s neck as he coaxes Jared’s mouth open with his tongue. His other hand rests on Jared’s waist.

Jensen feels Jared’s resistance slipping, and he pushes his whole body against Jared’s and swipes his tongue along Jared’s lips. Jared finally snaps. He reaches up and cups the sides of Jensen’s head with both hands. He deepens the kiss hungrily, and moans under his breath as their tongues push and slide together. Jensen grins against Jared’s lips, and slides his hand from Jared’s waist down between them. He cups Jared’s bulge teasingly, then squeezes, feeling Jared harden under his touch.  That same touch jerks Jared back to reality, and he pushes at Jensen’s shoulders, ripping his lips away and shoving Jensen back.

“What the hell was that?” Jared asks breathlessly.

“I’m giving you want you want,” he tries to move forward again, but Jared stops him.

“Stop,” Jared tells him firmly.

“Why?” Jensen pushes Jared’s hands out of the way, presses himself back against Jared, and slips his hands under the shirt, to find the warm skin underneath.

“Jensen,” he breathes, flinging his head back. Jensen can almost see the battle going on inside Jared’s head. The horny part of him that wants Jensen, wants to rip Jensen’s clothes off and fuck him, right there against the counter, fighting against the more logical side of him which knows he shouldn’t let this happen. The second part is the part that confuses Jensen. Why fight what should happen?

“Come on Jared,” Jensen whispers hotly into Jared’s ear. “You know you want this....you’ve wanted me since the first time we met,” he pauses to press small kisses on the side of Jared’s neck, under his ear. Jared unconsciously tilts his head to give Jensen more room, more skin. His eyes are scrunched closed and his teeth are gritted. “Remember it? At the hotel.....you were so nervous....I pushed you down on the bed,” Jensen’s hands run up and down Jared’s chest and back, fingers tracing over nipples and dipping under the back of Jared’s boxers slightly, “I stripped you of your clothes, and then you watched me as I took my clothes off.....the way you watched me.....so hot...made me hard,” Jensen licks a stripe up Jared’s neck , and Jared sucks in a breath, “But you...you’d been hard since the moment I stepped through the door,” Jensen takes the final step and presses their groins  together, thrusting and grinding against Jared’s erection.

“Fuck,” Jared cries and pushes Jensen away for the third time, as the battle between his head and his libido finally ends, and his logical side wins out. “No Jensen, I don’t want this.”

It’s firm and final, and Jensen takes it as such, stepping away from Jared. He’s just been turned down. He’s never been turned down before. Never. It’s a sobering thought that Jared doesn’t want him. His natural defences slam down like dead weight and his eyes turn cold. “Fine,” he says without emotion.

Jared sags, “Jensen.”

“No,” Jensen shakes his head. “You don’t want me, I can’t pay you, that’s fine. I’ll just leave,” he pivots on the spot and strides out of the room, ignoring Jared calling him back. He storms up the stairs and into his bedroom. He’d never unpacked his bags, knowing, deep down, that this would happen eventually. He changes into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, picks up his bags, and goes back downstairs with his belongings hanging off his shoulders.

“What are you doing Jensen?” Jared asks, his voice weary. He comes up from behind Jensen, and steps in between him and the front door.

“What does it look like I’m doing Jared? Get the hell out of my way.”

“No,” Jared puts his hands on his hips and stands his ground.

“For fuck’s sake,” Jensen curses, dropping his bags on the carpet. “I hand myself over on a silver fucking platter, just like you want. Then you turn me down, and now you won’t let me leave? What sick games are you playing with me? Is this why you asked me to move in here? So you could mess with me?”

“I asked you to move in here so you’d have a comfortable place to recuperate!” Jared snaps, “I didn’t ask you to mess with you! I didn’t ask you to have control over you, and I certainly didn’t ask you here for the sex. It’s good sex Jensen, it always has been, and I’m not gonna deny you make me as hard as a _rock,_ but I wouldn’t go to this kind of trouble for it.”

“So I’m trouble?” Jensen sounds so bitter, yet so lost.

“Yeah,” Jared nods, “Because you’ve been defensive and resistant ever since the hospital, you’ve done everything you can to _avoid_ me, and all I've done is try to _help_....and this is what I've got in return,” he waves an arm at the bags on the floor. “Why can’t you trust, just fucking trust, that I don’t want anything out of this?”

“Because people don’t give something for nothing...that’s not the way the world works!”

Jared shakes his head and lets out a low whistle, “Wow....what a screwed up view of the world you have.”

“I’m a _hooker_ Jared! What other view am I supposed to have?”

“Ex-hooker,” Jared corrects calmly.

“Whatever,” Jensen snorts, “You gonna let me past or not?”

“Not,” Jared returns. He pulls himself up straight, giving himself a height advantage over Jensen.

“Two weeks, that’s what we agreed on. If things went wrong I could leave.”

“Did you sabotage this on purpose?” Jared questions. “Did you come on to me because you knew I’d turn you down?” Jensen doesn’t answer him. “I’m not letting you leave like this.”

“Jared.”

“Have you really hated it here that much?”

“I _have_ to leave Jared.”

“Where you going to go, huh? At this time of night?”

“I’ll find somewhere.”

“Don’t be stupid Jensen!  You’ve got it good here, and you know it. Why are you throwing it all away?”

“I’m not...” Jensen stops.

“Yes, you are,” Jared nods, and takes a step towards Jensen. “What’s it going to take to get you to stay? Money? Sex?”

“Fuck you!” Jensen snaps angrily.

Jared stares at Jensen for a moment. “I like having a housemate,” he says softly, any anger in his voice gone. “I am _so_ fed up of coming home to an empty, cold house....eating take out on my own in front of the TV. I’m _stuck_ , unable to have an open relationship with a man, and unable to fake it, just for appearances, with a woman. So yeah, that’s what I get out of you staying here.... _company_ ” He stops and takes a deep breath, “But I’ll stay away if that’s what it’ll take. I’ll have dinner out, go straight up to my bedroom when I get back, and be out of the house before you wake up.”

“Jared, this is _your_ house,” Jensen replies softly. Jared will do anything to get him to stay, Jensen can see that. He doesn’t really understand it, but he can see it. He can’t force Jared out of his own house so he can stay; he’s not that much of a selfish bastard.

“Then stay.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Jensen says, his eyes trained on the floor.

“It is.”

Jensen sighs, “How many times do you think we’ve had this conversation?”

“Too many times,” Jared agrees, “So maybe it’s time you stop fighting me on this....there are bigger things in your life now that you should be concentrating on.”

Jensen yawns, and it catches him by surprise. The evening’s events has taken it out of him. “I’m tired,” he admits finally.

Jared bends down and picks up Jensen’s bags, “Come on, let’s put these back upstairs,” Jensen doesn’t fight Jared when he takes the bags upstairs and places them down on the floor in Jensen’s bedroom. “You should really unpack these,” Jared says as Jensen enters the room behind him.

“Maybe,” Jensen returns.

“Goodnight Jensen,” Jared turns to leave.

“Jared?”

Jared stops and turns to face Jensen. Jensen’s arms are crossed in front of his chest protectively, and his eyes avoid Jared’s. “Night,” he says.

Jared manages a small smile and nods. He leaves the room and shuts the door without another word. He pauses outside the door and presses his ear against the wood, listening to the muffled sounds of Jensen climbing into bed. He smiles triumphantly, and returns to his bedroom.

********************

Things stay awkward between them for few weeks, with more than a few stilted conversations and deer caught in the headlights looks when they both find themselves meeting in the kitchen unexpectedly.

The first time it happens, Jensen is in the kitchen with his head in the fridge, when Jared bursts into the room and freezes mid stride once he sees Jensen’s there.

Jared’s eyes widen slightly, “Hi.”

Jensen slams the fridge door shut and replies with an equally short, “Hi.”

“I was…”

“I’m just…”

They speak simultaneously, and then stare at each other, both motioning for the other to speak first. “I’m just getting something to eat,” Jared finally says. He walks towards Jensen and Jensen’s eyebrow rise into his hairline. His body tenses tightly as Jared slips past him and opens the fridge. “Were you looking for something?” Jared asks as he pulls the cranberry juice from the door shelf.

“Nah, I was just...” He reverses back a step to put some space in between them, “Browsing.” He shrugs. He’s not really that hungry.

Jared nods dumbly. He grabs a glass and fills it with juice, then puts the carton back in the fridge. He crosses the room and pulls a bag of chips out the cupboard, “Well....I’m off to bed now”

“Oh... _Ohh_.” Jensen nods knowingly, “I’ll just...stay down here for a bit then.”

Jared chokes on a mouthful of juice and blushes. “To sleep!” He blurts out, “Just to sleep.”

“It’s okay if you need to...” Jensen finishes his sentence with a simple hand movement that has Jared swallowing hard.

“I’m just going to go.” He turns, and practically runs out of the kitchen.

They’ve only just started to really relax around each other, the tension dissipating slowly, when Jensen’s letter arrives. Jared had phoned the hospital with Jensen’s new address the day after he moved in. Finding the letter addressed to Jensen with the hospital logo stamped on the top left corner makes everything real again, the reason why Jensen’s staying with him. There are no outward signs of Jensen’s cancer, and it’s so easy to forget that he’s ill. He picks the envelope up and leaves it in the kitchen, beside the cappuccino maker. He knows Jensen will head for the coffee as soon as he wakes up, and will find the letter straight away.  He stares at the letter for a moment, wishing he knew what it said, before turning and leaving the room. Jensen’s still asleep when Jared leaves for work.

When Jared arrives home ten hours later there’s a nice smell coming from the kitchen. It doesn’t smell like the usual pizza or Chinese take-out that they get every night, and it intrigues him. He drops his laptop bag and briefcase in the doorway of his office, and throws his jacket over the back of the couch, before crossing the room towards the kitchen.

The smell just gets better as he steps into the warm room, and his eyes fall on the stove, where two pans are bubbling gently. Jensen’s facing the work top, chopping up tomato for a salad.

“What’s all this?” Jared asks. He’s had no indication that Jensen could do anything more in the kitchen than make toast and coffee.

Jensen scoops up the tomato he was slicing and drops it into the salad bowl before turning around to face Jared. He wipes his hands on his jeans and gives Jared a shrug, and Jared doesn’t quite know what that means. He doesn’t know what he was expecting from Jensen when he got home, but this isn’t it. The letter has disappeared from beside the coffee machine, so he knows Jensen has read it.

Jared peers over at the stove curiously and raises an eyebrow at the tomato sauce bubbling away. There’s pasta cooking in the other pan. “You made this?”

Jensen nods. “It’s nearly ready.”

“You never said you could cook,” Jared takes the initiative, and starts getting out two pasta bowls, and cutlery for them both.

“I’m no Gordon Ramsey,” Jensen answers, “But it won’t kill you.”  Jared leans against the fridge, and watches Jensen drain the pasta, and then serve it out into the bowls. He then does the same with the sauce.

“It smells amazing.” Jared pushes away from the fridge and moves over to the bowls. He adds some salad to his side plate, and picks up a couple of pieces of the garlic bread Jensen’s also baked.

“It’s just pasta,” Jensen shrugs again. He adds a couple of lettuce leaves to his much smaller portion, but ignores the bread.  He cradles his bowl from underneath and picks up a fork. He follows Jared out of the kitchen and into the living room.

They sit at opposite ends of the couch, and Jared’s taken a mouthful of pasta before Jensen’s even reached for the remote.

“Dude,” Jared’s exclamation is muffled due to the mouthful of pasta. He chews quickly and swallows, before adding “You totally downplayed your cooking skills. This is awesome!”

Jensen raises a suspicious eyebrow. “It’s _just_ pasta,” he repeats.

“Yeah well, when you eat nothing but grease and additives every day, _actual_ food, even if it is just pasta, tastes like a gourmet meal.” He smiles at Jensen and takes another mouthful. “Where did you learn to cook like this?”

“I've been living on my own for nearly ten years, I’ve picked a few things up.”

Jared frowns at the idea of ten years alone. He’s only had the house for three years, but before then he lived with friends. He doesn’t like being alone, he always likes to have people around him. He loves Christmas at home, when the house is filled with his extended family, and having huge parties with all his friends, which cost him a fortune to clean up afterwards.

“You’ve never...?”  Jared doesn’t finish his question.

“Never what?”

“Well, you’ve lived alone all this time, are you telling me that you’ve never had a relationship?”

Jensen pushes his food around the bowl, and considers Jared’s question. It’s not that he’s embarrassed by his solitary existence; he just wants to know why Jared cares so much about his personal life. It’s not really any of Jared’s business, and the question seems a little forward, considering they’re still on shaky ground.

“My line of work isn’t exactly...” Jensen searches for the right word. “ _Conducive_ to having a relationship.” He finally answers Jared’s question.

“But you’ve dated, right?” Jared’s questioning continues, and Jensen wonders how many more questions there are to come and whether he’s going to be able to answer all of them, or if he even wants to try.

“In the beginning,” he gives a shrug. “Didn’t seem much point after a while.” Jensen has no idea where his honesty is coming from.

“Have you ever…?” Jared pauses as he considers the questions he’s asking.

“Ever what?”

Jared tilts his head slightly and stares at Jensen. Jensen grows uncomfortable under Jared’s gaze, and he has to look away. “Have you ever had sex without being paid?” Jared finally asks, throwing the question out there as quickly as possible, like ripping off a band-aid. He speaks so fast that Jensen barely catches the question. His eyes snap to Jared’s as soon as it sinks in though. He’s speechless for a moment, and then he blinks and looks down at his food.

“I’m going to get a drink.” He slides his bowl onto the coffee table and disappears out of the room.

Jared sags against the couch cushions, regretting opening his big mouth.  Jensen returns five minutes later with two glasses of water. Jared knows it takes less than five minutes to fill two glasses, but he guesses after his little questioning session Jensen needed a moment to himself. It’s the first time Jensen’s really talked about himself. During appointments, they’d chat as they recovered their breath, but it had mostly been him doing the talking. Jensen would just nod and agree, or make a remark about something he was ranting about. He’s glad Jensen’s opened up to him a little, he just wishes he could ask all the other questions he’s got rolling around in his head. Like the whereabouts of Jensen’s family, for one.

He takes the glass Jensen offers him with a thank you, and takes a sip of the water, before polishing off his dinner. “You should make us dinner more often,” Jared remarks. He licks his knife, and then dumps the empty bowl on the coffee table.

“Yeah, maybe,” Jensen says noncommittally.

Jared thinks Jensen’s answer has less to do with Jensen not wanting to cook, and more to do with Jensen thinking he won’t have the energy to cook once his chemo starts. He watches Jensen play with his food, not really eating much, and he wishes, not for the first time, that he could know what’s going on inside Jensen’s head.

“You open the letter?” Jared broaches the subject carefully. He doesn’t want to butt into Jensen’s business again, but he can’t just pretend the letter doesn’t exist. 

Jensen says nothing for a long time, then nods. “Yeah.”

“And?”

“I go in a week on Wednesday.”

Jared nods, “Morning or…”

“Two thirty,” Jensen interrupts.

“Okay,” Jared nods. There’s a blob of pasta sauce on his trousers, and he wipes it away with his thumb. “I could probably clear a couple of hours?” He suggests.

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Jared replies firmly.

“Still....”

“I’ll get my assistant to block out the afternoon, that way I can drive you to the hospital, and back home”

“Seriously Jared…”

“It’s settled,” Jared finishes the discussion. All he has to do now is come up with a good reason for Sandy as to why he needs that time blocked off in his diary. She’s going to know he’s lying to her, she always does. The more he lies to her, the more damage he does to their friendship.

“You haven’t finished your dinner,” Jared changes the subject, gesturing at the bowl in front of Jensen.

Jensen sighs, “I’m not really that hungry,”

Jared hasn’t seen him eat a bite since they sat down. “You need to keep your strength up, Jensen.”

“You’re starting to sound like this one nurse I had.” He drops his fork and hands the bowl over to Jared. “Here.”

Jared doesn’t want to turn down a second helping of Jensen’s pasta, but on the other hand, he knows Jensen really needs to eat. “Are you sure?”

“I’ll get some toast later,” Jensen answers. He curls his feet up underneath him, and finally turns the TV on. He flicks through the channels silently as Jared finishes off his food. He settles on an 80’s action film, and puts the remote down by his feet. Jared spends more of the film watching Jensen than watching the screen.

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

 

 

Jensen doesn’t get much sleep the night before his first cycle of chemotherapy. He spends hours in bed, eyes trained on the ceiling, as the room slowly brightens. When he hears Jared moving around down the hall, he climbs out from underneath the warm covers, and trudges over to the en-suite for a shower and shave. He stands in front of the mirror, wipes away the condensation, and stares at his reflection. 

He wonders how long after he starts chemo it’ll be before his hair starts falling out, before he starts losing weight from puking his guts up, and turns pale from anaemia. He won’t look like himself anymore. He’s already lost muscle tone because he’s stopped his usual exercise routine, and he knows he’ll lose more. He’ll just be a pale, thin, bald imitation of himself. He’s always made a living off the way he looks, and it’s taken a lot of work to keep himself in good condition. He knows he’s good looking enough to make women want him, and men want to be him. He turns heads when he’s out at bars, and feels eyes burning into his ass at the gym. 

He doesn’t look any different now, not yet. He doesn’t have the word _Cancer_ painted across his forehead. He thought he did when he was first diagnosed. He thought it was so obvious to everyone, always garnered stranger’s reactions to him, wanting to see that moment when they realised he was ill, and started to treat him differently. They never did, because his illness was hidden away inside him, but that’ll change now. As soon as people see him now, they’ll know. His image fades away slowly as the humidity in the room makes the mirror mist over again. He blinks twice, and then turns away from the fogged mirror.

He pulls his towel from around his waist and throws it over the metal rack by the door, then steps into his bedroom naked. He pads over to his bags and pulls out a pair of sweat pants and a black t-shirt. If he’s going to be pumped full of powerful cancer drugs, he’s going to be comfortable.

He leaves his hair to air dry, and makes his way down the stairs bare foot. Jared’s already in the kitchen making coffee, and he greets him with a smile, then offers him coffee. He stands casually against the worktop, fully dressed in his business suit, all ready for work. A mug of steaming coffee is cupped between his two hands, and there’s a greasy plate in the sink. Jensen shakes his head, and gets himself a glass of water instead. He just hasn’t had the stomach for anything since yesterday, not even his beloved coffee. Even the smell of Jared’s breakfast is making Jensen’s stomach turn.  Jared raises an eyebrow at his refusal of coffee, and Jensen can feel his eyes following him around the room.

“Stop it,” Jensen demands grumpily. He’s unavoidably grumpy when he’s sleep deprived, and this morning is no exception.

“Stop what?” Jared asks innocently.

“You’re staring at me, stop it.”

“I’m not.”

“You are,” Jensen returns sharply as he leaves the room. He settles down onto the couch with his water and turns the TV on. He finds some kids’ cartoon, and right now, the loud sound effects and slapstick escapades are a good distraction from everything, including Jared.

He’s left alone for less than five minutes before he feels Jared’s eyes on the back of his head. He rolls his eyes, “You’re doing it again.”

“Je…”

Jensen twists his head around and glares at Jared, “My head is not that interesting Jared,” he interrupts. “Shouldn’t you be going to work?”

“I could stay if you want,” Jared offers.

“I don’t,” Jensen turns back to the TV. A talking dog is fighting a bright pink alien, and it’s strangely amusing.

“Okay,” Jared speaks softly, like a small child that’s been dismissed. “I’ll be back at two to pick you up.”

“Uh-huh,” Jensen drops his head into his hand, ignoring Jared. Ten minutes later he hears the front door open, then close, and then Jared’s car comes to life. He lets out the deep breath he hadn’t even realised he’d been holding and gulps down his water.

*********

A loud bang jerks Jensen awake. His heart beats fast from the shock awakening, and it takes a moment to work out that it’s Jared returning home to collect him that’s woken him. He doesn’t even remember falling asleep, or how long he was out for.

“Jensen?”

Jensen swallows the bitter taste of sleep from his mouth. “Yeah,” he croaks. Sometime during his nap, he’d stretched out across the couch and buried his head into the cushions. He runs a hand through his hair, which has dried sticking up in various directions. The action does little to tame his unruly mane.

“Been asleep?” Jared asks, dropping his briefcase down by the front door.

“No, I always look this crap,” Jensen retorts.

Jared snorts, “You _really_ don’t.” Jensen raises an eyebrow at his comment and Jared’s eyes widen as his face turns red. “I mean…” He stops and sags, “Ready to go?” He changes the subject quickly.

Jensen shakes his head. “Give me a minute,” he groans as he lifts himself up. His back clicks loudly, and his muscles ache from being forced into an uncomfortable position whilst he slept.

“That’s what napping on the couch will do to you,” Jared chuckles. Jensen glares at Jared as he walks past him and upstairs to his bedroom. He quickly pushes his feet into a pair of socks and sneakers, and grabs a jacket. He makes his way back down the stairs slowly, hoping to prolong the journey to the hospital. He’s never been one to reveal his emotions easily, he likes to keep things to himself, but he’s finding it hard to hide the nervous energy running through him.

“Okay,” he says, as he reaches the last step. “I’m ready,” Jensen repeats the same words in his mind over and over, hoping that by the time they reach the hospital, he’ll actually believe them.

“Let’s go then.”

They arrive at the hospital with only enough time to grab a bottle of water each from a vending machine, before making their way up to the oncology department. The waiting room isn’t too different from the one in the surgery wing. It’s larger and has more natural light, but it has the same rows of chairs and a reception desk at the other end.

“I’m just going to go get signed in,” Jensen tells Jared, leaving him by the door without another word. He steps over to reception, and gives the nurse sitting behind the desk his name. She tells him his doctor will be with him shortly, and he rejoins Jared at the chairs for the wait.

He sits down beside Jared and takes a swig of water from his bottle. His right foot taps nervously on the lino floor, until Jared presses his hand to Jensen’s knee to stop him. The hand is warm and firm against his knee, and for the brief moment it stays there, Jensen takes comfort in it.

“Relax,” Jared tells him, his voice soft, so they can’t be overheard by the other people in the waiting room.

“Easy for you to say,” Jensen replies.

“It’s going to be fine.”

Jensen looks at Jared, “Easy for you to say,” he repeats. Jared meets his gaze, and they stare at each other, each waiting for the other to speak.  There’s a strange atmosphere filling the room that Jensen can’t explain.

“Jensen?” Jensen tears his eyes away from Jared and looks up. He stands up as a man in a smart suit, with a stethoscope around his neck, makes his way towards them. “How have you been feeling?”

“Tired,” Jensen answers honestly. “Jared, this is my oncologist, Doctor Patterson. Doctor, this is Jared, my…”He pauses. What exactly _is_ Jared? A friend? A housemate? An ex-client? “...This is Jared,” he finally finishes. He doesn’t look back to see Jared’s reaction to his hesitation. He’s not sure he wants to know if Jared is bothered by it or not.

“Nice to meet you,” Dr Patterson smiles and shakes Jared’s hand.

“You too,” Jared returns.

“Are you ready Jensen?”

Jensen nods, “I guess.”

“Okay then, I’ll show you into the chemo lounge, explain what’s going to happen, and then leave you in the capable hands of my nurses.”

“Okay,” Jensen turns to Jared.

Jared speaks first, “Want me to go with you?” He offers.

Jensen shakes his head, “I need to do this alone.”

“Okay,” Jared nods, “I’ll be right here when you finish.”

Jensen sighs, “You don’t have to stay Jared.”

“I’m not going anywhere Jensen,” Jared replies firmly, sitting back down in his seat, and folding his arms across this chest stubbornly.

Jensen stands silent for a moment, looking down at Jared. He doesn’t understand why Jared is so adamant about being with Jensen through all of this. He’s not Jared’s responsibility, never has been. Having a nice roof over his head is one thing, this is something else. Finally, he turns and follows his doctor out of the waiting room and into a large lounge.

The room is long and bright. Along one wall are armchairs, each separated by a complicated machine, a small table and an IV stand. Most of the chairs are occupied by people, each attached to the IV stand by an IV line.  Some look just like him, and others look like they’ve been coming here for a while. They’re bald, or wearing wigs or scarves, and their eyes are dark rimmed. Jensen’s afraid to look at them, knowing that will be him in a few weeks.

Patterson shows him to an empty chair at the end of the room, and Jensen makes himself comfortable.

“Okay.” The doctor slides over a spare chair, and sits himself down beside Jensen. “I know we went through a few things last time I saw you, but I’ll just go through everything again.” Jensen nods; he hadn’t really paid much attention the first time round, still dazed from everything that was happening to him. “The nurse will insert a cannula into the back of your hand, and then a dose of an anti-emetic will be administered to help with the nausea. Following that will be the chemotherapy drugs. Those will be controlled by this machine here. It drips the medication in slowly, because it’s toxic, and can burn and damage your veins. It’ll probably take a few hours. We finish off by flushing everything through with saline, just to make sure none of the chemicals are lingering around the puncture site, and then you’re ready to go...Okay, any questions?” Jensen shakes his head.

“Okay,” Patterson claps his hands together. “I’ll come to check on you when it’s over, but if there’re any problems, just find a nurse, and she’ll page me for you,” He stands up and gives Jensen a kind smile, before he turns and makes his way out of the room.

Jensen stands up as soon as the oncologist has left. There’s an extensive bookshelf on the opposite wall, and if he’s going to be here for a few hours, then he’s going to need something to occupy his time. He tilts his head to read the titles on the book spines. Most of them are thrillers and crime novels, and Jensen really doesn’t have the stomach for them. His eyes land on a familiar title, and he pulls the book off the shelf. It’s the same book Jared was reading to him after his surgery. It certainly isn’t the best written book in the world, but Jensen’s suddenly interested to know how it ends. He takes the book back to his chair and sits.

A nurse finally appears and introduces herself.  Her hair is pulled into a tight ponytail on top of her head, and she seems too cheerful for someone who works in oncology. He ignores the medical equipment she’s brought with her and finds the place in the book where Jared last left off. He holds the book in one hand and reads slowly, as she takes his left hand, wipes it with an anti-bacterial swab, and inserts the cannula. It pinches as it pushes through his skin, and he winces slightly. He’s never really been a fan of any kind of needle. She tells him what she’s doing along the way, but Jensen just tunes her out and focuses on the book. He doesn’t want to think about the toxic drugs that’re about to be pushed into his body to hopefully kill any remaining cancer. 

She finishes by turning the machine on, and it quickly whirrs into life. She’s told him it’s called a syringe driver. “You’re all ready to go,” she smiles at him, and Jensen doesn’t feel guilty for thinking of all the ways he could wipe that smile off her face. He figures he’s entitled to some self pity every now and then. “I’ll be back every half hour to check on you Mr Ackles.” She tidies up her equipment, and throws the used items in the medical waste. She checks on a couple of other patients on her way out of the room, and then disappears out of the door.

He finds himself staring at the IV drip above him for a long time, watching every single drop of the cancer drugs as they are slowly released into the clear tubing, and then into his body. He feels like it should hurt more, he wants to be able to feel the drugs working. Instead, he doesn’t really feel much of anything.

In the end, it takes just under four hours to complete the treatment. Doctor Patterson comes back and takes the cannula out himself. He gives Jensen a quick check over, and once he’s happy, he lets Jensen go. He’s a little stiff from sitting in the same position for hours when he stands up from the arm chair, and he has to hold on to Patterson’s arm for a moment to steady himself.

“Okay?” His doctor asks, and Jensen nods. “Your friend is still out in the waiting room. Is he taking you home?”

“We, uh, we live together.”

“Oh,” He nods. “I didn’t realise you were in a relationship.”

“I’m not,” Jensen corrects quickly. “Me and him, we’re not...I just live in his house.”

“Oh, sorry,” Patterson apologises for the assumption.

“He’s really been sitting out there the whole time?” Jensen asks disbelievingly.

“I think he went down to the cafeteria for a little bit, but apart from that, he hasn’t moved. He worked his way through our whole stack of out dated women’s magazines, before moving onto a book,” Patterson chuckles.  Jensen’s not sure what to do with that information. He’d expected Jared to leave as soon as he could, and then somehow reappear when Jensen was finished.

“Now Jensen, it’ll be a couple of days before there’ll be any side effects from the drugs. Once we know how you’re affected by them, and how badly, I can prescribe some more medication to keep the side effects to a minimum. Just drink plenty of water, and get plenty of rest,” He explains, and Jensen nods dumbly as he takes in the information. I’ll see you next week at the same time,” he pats Jensen on the shoulder, and leads him back out into the waiting room, where Jared is sitting, his head buried in a familiar book.

“Where are you up to?” Jensen asks, and Jared’s head snaps up.

“Oh hey, I’m...” Jared looks at the pages for a second, and then back up at Jensen. “She’s just gone out in the boat to find him.”

Jensen nods, “He’s stuck out on the island in the storm.”

Jared frowns for a second, before his face slowly forms into a wide grin, “So you finished the book after I left then.”

Jensen shakes his head, “Actually, I threw that copy in the trash,” Jared’s face falls and Jensen feels responsible. “There was a second copy in the chemo lounge,” he explains.

Jared’s grin returns, and Jensen stupidly feels better. “Don’t tell me how it ends,” he folds down the corner of the page he’s on, and closes the book before standing up, “Finished?” He asks, and Jensen nods. “Let’s go home then.”

 _Home_ , Jensen thinks. He’s never considered Jared’s house as home, and even now, he doesn’t plan to. He doesn’t argue about it with Jared, just nods, and follows him out of the hospital in silence.

***********

Things don’t change when they get home. It’s dinner time when they get back, and Jensen makes them some chicken and rice. His appetite has finally come back after getting through his first treatment, and he scoffs down his whole dinner in two seconds flat. He’d thought that Jared would treat him differently after they return from the hospital. He doesn’t want to be treated like he’ll break at any moment, but instead, Jared’s barely even acknowledged where they’ve both spent most of the day.  Jensen goes to bed early, tired from lack of sleep and worry, and has vivid dreams that make no sense.

The side effects he knows to expect don’t appear until two days later. He sleeps through his morning alarm, and wakes late afternoon to his stomach doing somersaults. He’s sweating under the covers. He’s never slept for so long in his life, and he doesn’t know how he managed to sleep through his alarm. He throws back the sweltering hot covers and spreads out across the queen sized bed, sucking in some deep breaths. It doesn’t help. The nauseous feeling in his stomach only gets worse when he sits up, and he stumbles as fast as his shaky legs can carry him to the bathroom. He drops onto his knees in front of the toilet painfully, grips the edges, and throws up.  Once he starts to feel better again, another wave of nausea rolls over him, and another, until he’s completely emptied his stomach contents.

When it finishes, he flops clumsily back onto his ass and leans his back against the cool tiles. His mouth tastes like garbage, and the room stinks. His bed clothes are drenched in sweat, and he can’t stop shivering. He’s never felt this crap before, never wished for someone to put him out of his misery before. His hand trembles uncontrollably as he lifts it to flush the toilet. He’s completely exhausted, and even that simple motion takes a lot of effort.

Even though there’s nothing left inside him, his stomach still protests, and he wraps his arms around it gently. He wants so to rinse his mouth under the cold tap, but just the thought of getting up from his place on the floor makes his head hurt. The tiled floor is hard and cold though, and he feels like he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. Too exhausted to make it to his comfortable bed, but too uncomfortable on the floor, where he’s stuck.

He doesn’t hear his bedroom door open, and he’s too out of it for his brain to work out who steps into the bathroom and stares down at him. All he can see is a tall dark figure, and he closes his eyes, hoping this is someone coming to put him out of his misery. Instead, the figure turns and leaves. Jensen pouts when he’s left all alone again, and lets out a pitiful whimper.

He frowns when the dark figure returns. He sits down on the floor beside Jensen and suddenly, all he can feel is cool, wet relief against his forehead. He lets out a long sigh and closes his eyes again, relaxing against the wall as the damp flannel moves down his face, and is pushed around to the back of his neck. A large hand presses against the flannel, and droplets of water drip down his back as he’s pulled upright. A glass is pushed to his lips, and he sips the offered water greedily.

The cool liquid settles his stomach and clears the awful taste from his mouth. It also starts to help clear his mind, and the dark figure transforms into Jared. He blinks a couple of times and then stares at Jared for a long time before speaking.

“Jare....” He gets out, even though his throat is raw from puking . “What’re you doing here?”

“I called the house to see if you were up for dealing with some my friends this evening. When you didn’t answer, I got worried and came straight home. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” he lies. “You can go now,” he shuffles back, and rests the back of his head against the wall.

“Jensen?” Jared frowns at him, confused by Jensen’s reaction to him.

“I don’t need any...” Jensen pauses to clear his throat, “...any help Jared.”

Jared snorts, “Yeah Jensen, you really look okay to me.”

“Please,” Jensen begs, “Just leave me alone.” He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this, to see him so weak and helpless, especially not Jared.

“I’m not going anywhere Jensen.”

Jensen runs a hand through his damp hair, “Why can’t you ever just....fucking do what I want you to do?” He opens his eyes and stares at Jared. There’s no anger in his voice, he doesn’t have the energy to be angry. Instead, what comes out sounds more like defeat.

“I can’t leave you like this Jensen, no matter how much you might want me to. You need my help.”

“Who says I need your help?”

“No-one had to,” Jared replies softly. “Let me help you to bed,” he reaches for Jensen, but he shies away.

“Don’t touch me.”

Jared’s hand freezes in mid air. “Jensen....Jen.”

Jensen bats his hands away weakly every time Jared tries to reach towards him, until his face crumples and he scrambles towards the toilet. Jared watches on in sympathy as Jensen heaves, his whole body tensing painfully. When there’s nothing left inside him, Jensen drops back onto the hard floor. His head falls forward, and he coughs weakly and wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

Jared grabs the drying flannel off the floor and reaches up to dampen it again in the sink. “Here,” Jared says softly, he sits back down beside Jensen and places the flannel on the back of his neck.

“ _Please_ , just leave me alone.... _please_.” Jensen’s eyes scrunch shut, and a single tear of frustration rolls down his cheek. He just wants Jared to leave, so he can let out all the pain and hurt and fear he’s feeling. He wants to scream and cry until there’s nothing left. He’s not sure he’s strong enough to hold it all in. It’s so humiliating being so weak, looking like death warmed over, and having to rely on someone else for so much, “I can look after myself.”

“Yeah, you can,” Jared agrees, lifting a thumb up to wipe away Jensen’s tear, It’s a tender gesture, one that Jensen’s too tired to pull away from, “But you don’t _have_ to,” Jared sighs. “What’s going on inside that head of yours Jensen?” Jared asks. Jensen’s an enigma that Jared’s always struggled to work out. During appointments, back before any of this happened, it hadn’t bothered him. Jensen was there to please him, was paid to lie on his back and spread his legs. Their relationship was simple, and Jared had never had any reason to deepen it. Now they’re living together, and Jared spends so many hours trying to work out what’s going on behind Jensen’s eyes, whether he’s actually happy, or just putting on an act to appease Jared.

Jensen shakes his head. “Nothing,” he replies.

“There’s nothing wrong with relying on someone else Jensen. There’s nothing wrong with accepting that you need help.”

“I....I can’t,” he swallows, the sour taste of vomit in his mouth making him grimace.

“Yes, you _can,”_ Jared tries to affirm.  Jensen’s eyes fall to the floor and it’s more telling than any words.  “ _Damnit_ Jensen!” Jared snaps, “Why can’t you just let me _help_ you?” He cries desperately. Jensen flinches at the volume of Jared’s voice. “I want to be there for you!”

“Why?” Jensen asks, suspicion clear in his voice. He doesn’t understand Jared’s almost desperate need to help, what it is that’s stopping Jared from giving up on him.

“Because,” Jared sighs, frustration and anger bubbling up inside him again from Jensen’s stubbornness, and he doesn’t think before he continues, “Because I can, because I want to, because no-one else _will_!”

Jensen sends a sharp glare in Jared’s direction at the wounding comment. Jensen doesn’t know what’s worse, that it’s Jared saying it, or that it’s true.  Jensen doesn’t say anything in reply, doesn’t even look at Jared. He pulls himself until he’s sitting up straight, and reaches for the half empty glass of water on the floor beside Jared. He takes a couple more sips, and then hands the glass back to Jared. “It’s not easy for me,” Jensen finally admits minutes later, his voice so quiet Jared barely hears him.

“What isn’t?”

“Everything,” Jensen shrugs. “I've never... never relied on anyone before. I've only ever had myself to rely on...it’s always been easier that way.”

“Well, from now on, things are going to be different, because you have me too.”

Jensen doesn’t know what to do and his mind is getting cloudier by the second. It’s hard for him to just let go and trust Jared to look after him. He doesn’t have a switch he can turn on and change the way he is. If he starts relying on Jared now, what happens when Jared’s too busy, or is just tired of looking after him? He has to make a decision. To take a leap of faith with Jared, or stay on the cold hard tiles until he passes out from dehydration or exhaustion. He doesn’t want to wake up in more pain tomorrow from sleeping on the hard floor, but giving up his independence is equally difficult. In the end, his physical weakness, and just pure exhaustion, makes the decision for him. It’s not easy, and he wonders if he’ll regret letting Jared help. He’s pretty sure he will, but he can’t help that now, and Jensen’s always been an expert at picking himself back up once people let him down. Because they always do. Right now, he doesn’t have the strength to protest, it’s easier just to give in, and save himself for the battles he knows he can win.

He meets Jared’s eyes, “Please.”

“Please what?”

“I just want to _sleep._ ”

Jared understands what Jensen is after. It’s a small step in the right direction for Jensen, and he hides a small smile of triumph, as he slips his arm around Jensen’s waist firmly and pulls him to his feet. Jared tries to let Jensen walk on his own, but he stumbles after a couple of steps, so Jared tightens his grip on the other man, and lets Jensen rest all his weight on him as they move out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

Jared lowers him down onto the bed, and pulls back the covers so Jensen can slip underneath them. “Okay?” He asks, and Jensen nods sleepily. “I’ll bring you another glass of water, and a bucket for beside your bed in case you need to throw up again,” he promises.

Jensen’s eyes are closed, and he’s already on his way off to sleep as Jared brushes his damp hair off his forehead gently. The moment is intimate, and he knows he would never get away with it if Jensen were awake. He takes one last look at Jensen, finally at rest, then turns and leaves.

 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

 

Jensen begins to feel a little better a week later, only a day or two before his second round of chemo. He makes sure to cook them both some food when he’s feeling okay, to make up for the greasy food Jared turns to when Jensen’s too tired to cook. He can’t stomach much more than toast and juice when he’s ill. He’s tried eating more, but he doesn’t really have much of an appetite, and he just can’t keep anything down. He gets used to the small morsels of food he forces down, and the constant bitter taste in his mouth. His stomach never stops feeling like he’s eaten five cheeseburgers and washed it down with a pint of vodka, no matter how often he throws up.

He ends up swallowing his pride a lot faster than he thought he would’ve, and Jared stays at home a lot more when Jensen’s feeling bad, just to look after him. Jared holds a wet flannel to the back of his neck while he throws up, and changes his damp bed sheets without complaining. Just having someone around, knowing that that someone will help him without question, makes Jensen grateful. He’s starting to realise trying to go it alone would have been a huge mistake, and he’s slowly learning to trust that Jared won’t ignore him when he needs help, or grow tired of the job he volunteered himself for. He’s not sure he would have lasted a week on his own in that crappy apartment.

Jared’s spent so much time with him that, when Jensen has a two week break from chemo, he insists that Jared returns to the office. Which he does reluctantly, going in earlier, and staying extra late to catch up on the mountains of work he’s missed. Jensen finds himself suddenly and unexpectedly missing the company, and he begins to understand why Jared likes having him around. The house just feels too quiet, and he’s never been so bored in his entire life. He finds himself alphabetising Jared’s CD collection, just for something to do. He feels so useless just hanging around the house all day, especially now he’s got a little more energy.

Then, two mornings before he starts chemo again, he wakes to find his pillow covered in his own hair.  He knows hair loss is a side effect from the chemo, but it’s still a shock. He stares at his pillow for a long time. He finally climbs out of bed and heads straight for the bathroom. His hair doesn’t look any different from the front, and he can’t exactly see the back of his head. He lifts his hand up to his head and runs his fingers through the short hair. He pulls at it, and a clump of hair falls easily into his hand. His hand shakes slightly as he tips his hand and watches the loose hair fall to the floor. His good looks, the thing he made money off is falling through his fingers. He doesn’t know how long it will take for all his hair to fall out, but he certainly isn’t waiting for it to happen. He dips his hand into his shaving bag and pulls out his electric razor.

The last time he really looked at himself in the mirror was before his chemo started. Now, he looks thinner, there are bags under his eyes, and his skin’s paler. He presses his thumb to the _on_ switch, and the razor buzzes to life. He lets out a deep breath, and then runs the razor over his head, from front to back without hesitation. Clumps of hair fall to his feet as he shaves down one side, and then the other. The fine hair on the floor tickles his toes, and the rest falls down his t-shirt and makes his back itch uncomfortably. He finishes with a cheap plastic razor, shaving off the harder to reach parts around his ears and the back of his neck.

By the time he’s finished, all his hair is lying in piles on the bathroom floor, and a face he doesn’t recognise is staring back at him. He doesn’t have the word _cancer_ painted across his face, but he has something just as identifying. He can’t just go out for the day and pretend he’s fine anymore, not when every single person he meets is likely to treat him like he’s dying. He runs a hand over his bald head and shivers. He tells himself he’s just cold, but his drastic new look is something that’s going to take some getting used to.

He skips a shower, and dresses in a pair of jeans and t-shirt. A knock at the door freezes him on the spot. He’s not sure he’s ready for Jared to see him like he this. Jared had loved running his hands through Jensen’s hair during their appointments, gripping onto the short hair while they fucked, and had told him more than once just how hot he was. Now all Jared will see is a pale, bald imitation of Jensen’s former self, and he’s bound to wonder what he ever saw in him.

“Jensen?” Jared calls through the door, knocking again. “Can I come in?”

Jensen’s eyes widen, “I’m not dressed!” He shouts back. He walks to the door so he can stop shouting. “What’s up?”

“I just thought I should warn you, my friend Chad’s here.” Jensen frowns; he doesn’t know any Chad, and Jared hadn’t told him he was expecting a visit from a friend. As though Jared can read his mind, he continues, “I know, I know! He just turned up on my doorstep ten minutes ago. I had no idea he was coming, but I haven’t seen him in a while, and I can’t just turn him away.”

Jensen sighs, “What’ve you told him about me?”

There’s silence on the other side of the door for a moment before Jared answers, “I told him you’re an old friend who needs a place to stay for a bit, nothing else.”

“Okay,” Jensen replies a moment later. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Jensen hears Jared’s footsteps as he moves away from the door and down the stairs. He presses his ear against the door, and can just make out two voices. One is Jared’s, and one he doesn’t recognise.  He turns around and leans against the wood. With just Jared around, he could just hide in his bedroom until he’s more comfortable with his radical new look. With Jared’s friend here, he’s being forced to make an appearance. He feels trapped, uncomfortable. A light bulb suddenly goes off inside his head, and he digs into the bottom of his closet for a navy hoodie. He pulls it over his head, and then pulls the hood up to cover his baldness. He heads back into the bathroom for a quick check to make sure it covers his head completely, thankful that he’s never had any kind of fringe. Once he’s satisfied, he takes a moment to steel himself for what’s to come, then opens his bedroom door. His head might be covered, but he still feels completely exposed.

He walks down the stairs slowly, hoping to prolong the inevitable meeting. The conversation he can hear gets louder. There’s loud laughter coming from the kitchen, and Jensen gets the feeling that he’ll be the third wheel. Jared and Chad will have experiences that Jensen wasn’t a part of, they’ll have stories and jokes that he won’t understand.  Then again, Chad might think he’s known Jared for a long time, but there’s still so much he doesn’t know about him, things that Jensen does know.

He lets out a deep breath and steps into the kitchen. Jared is perched in the edge of the worktop, his right hand wrapped around a coffee mug. His legs are swinging gently, and he’s smiling. It’s a relaxed smile, one that Jensen hasn’t seen since the last time they had sex. Chad’s leaning against the same work surface, his legs crossed, and his elbows resting on the worktop behind him. He’s blond and attractive, and maybe the sort of guy Jensen would’ve picked up at a bar once upon a time. Chad studies him through narrow slits that travel from his sock covered feet to his hood covered head. Jensen feels awkward standing in the doorway, and he steps further into the room.

“Jensen, this is my friend Chad; Chad this is Jensen,” Jared introduces then takes a mouthful of coffee.

Chad pushes away from the counter, walks up to Jensen, and holds out his hand, “Hey man.”

Jensen looks down at the hand for a moment, and then holds out his own hand in return. Chad takes it and shakes it almost violently. His hand throbs when it’s released from Chad’s grip.

“I was surprised when JT told me you were staying here, especially considering I've never heard of you.”

Jensen doesn’t know what to say. He’s normally an expert at coming up with good lies, but he’s out of practice, and he’s got a ton of others things on his mind that’re slowing him down.

“I told you man, he’s an old friend,” Jared intervenes.

“ _I’m_ an old friend,” Chad returns, raising an eyebrow in Jared’s direction.

“Yeah well, he’s _older,_ ” Jared stares hard at Chad, giving him a look that says _drop it,_ “Jensen moved away a year before you moved to the neighbourhood.” Jensen’s impressed with Jared’s story. He just hopes Chad buys it.

“Yeah?” Chad directs at Jensen. Jensen nods. “So how old were you when you moved away?” It’s a test, and Jensen has no idea what the right answer is. His eyes flick up to Jared, hoping Chad can’t see the panic in his eyes. Jared holds up his hands, showing Jensen nine fingers.

“Nine,” he blurts out.

Chad stares at him for moment, and Jensen wonders if they’ve been caught out. Finally, Chad relaxes and smiles at Jensen, “That’s cool,” he returns to the counter and his half finished beer. “Hey you want a beer?” Chad offers.

It’s still only eleven in the morning. Jensen shakes his head, “I’m fine.”

“You sure? I brought plenty...well, I brought plenty for me and Jared. Didn’t know he had company.”

“I’m not much of a drinker,” he shrugs. He turns to the fridge and pulls out the carton of apple juice. 

Chad sends Jared a strange look and Jared rolls his eyes, “So,” Chad claps his hands together. “What do you want to do today?” He asks. “Basketball? I've been practising man; you won’t beat me this time. Jensen? What d’ya say?”

“Nah,” Jensen shakes his head, “I’m a little tired.”

“Ookay,” Chad makes a face and turns to Jared, “Jay?”

“Maybe later,” Jared answers. He doesn’t want Jensen to feel left out. “How about we just stick to the X-box for now?” He suggests.

“Fine, whatever,” Chad picks up his beer and heads into the other room.

Jared sighs, “I’m sorry about Chad, he can be a little...” He searches for the right words. “..In your face”

“Yeah, he can,” Jensen nods in agreement.

“Look, if you want, I’ll take him out to a bar or something after lunch and give you the house to yourself, give you a bit of peace and quiet.”

Jensen actually considers it for a moment, “It’s okay, really,” he answers a moment later. He’s had too much peace and quiet, too much time alone in the house already.

“You sure?” Jensen nods, “Okay then,” Jared slips off the counter. “If he starts being too much, just say so, and I’ll drag him out of the house,” Jensen nods again. He’s had a pretty eventful life, so handling Chad shouldn’t be too much work. Jared’s concern warms him though, and that’s not a feeling Jensen’s used to.

Jared follows Chad into the living room whilst Jensen fills a glass with juice, then puts the carton back in the fridge. He sips at the juice slowly, not wanting the sugary drink to give him a headache. Chad and Jared take up the entire sofa, but Jensen’s happy with being in the chair. Jared and Chad are both a little too hyperactive around each other for Jensen’s liking, and he’s really not in the mood to be knocked around. He’s exhausted just looking at them. He watches them set up a racing game, passing at the offer to join them in the race. So far, neither Jared nor Chad have said anything about the hood. Chad might just assume that it’s how he always dresses. Jared, on the other hand, knows different.

He sits down on the arm chair, tucking his feet underneath him, and wrapping his arms around his chest. He laughs in all the right places, and speaks when spoken to, but it’s all on autopilot. They press at the buttons on their controllers aggressively and elbow and knock each other as their computer generated cars speed round a track.  Jared’s car wins the race, and he jumps up onto the sofa and cries out in celebration, before taunting Chad. The one thing that Jensen’s learnt about Jared today is that he’s extremely competitive. The pair of them start to bicker, and Jensen’s head begins to pound. He’d thought he’d be okay, but apparently not. Jared’s too caught up in Chad’s presence to notice Jensen slipping into the kitchen for some painkillers.

He doesn’t hear Chad slip into the room behind him. “Hey,” Chad speaks, and Jensen jumps.

His hand flies to his chest, and he spins round. “Christ! Don’t sneak up on me man.”

Chad throws his hands up, “Sorry dude.”

Jensen doesn’t think he sounds sorry, “What do you want?” He knows he’s being a little short with the other man, but he doesn’t care. His head’s killing him, and what he really wants is for Chad to leave, but it’s Jared’s house, and he’s Jared’s friend, and he’s not about to tell Jared what to do in his own house.

“Just came in for another beer,” Chad helps himself to a beer from the fridge. He twists the cap off and gulps a third of the bottle down in one go. He pulls the bottle from his lips and studies Jensen through narrowed eyes, making Jensen feel self conscious and awkward, Have we met?”

Jensen shakes his head, “I don’t think so.”

“Are you sure?” He takes a step towards Jensen. “I could swear we’ve met before.”

Jensen mentally runs Chad’s face through his extensive collection of clients. He’s normally good at remembering who he’s fucked, and who he hasn’t. “Maybe you’ve seen me out at a bar, or something,” Jensen shrugs.

Chad’s eyes narrow even further, “Maybe,” he says, his tone sceptical.

“What’s going on in here?” Jensen’s head spins towards the doorway, where Jared is filling up the space.

“I was just trying to work out where I know your friend here from,” Chad explains, completely oblivious to the look Jensen sends Jared’s way. “Where do you work? Maybe I've see you there.”

“I don’t work.”

“You _don’t_ work?” Jensen shakes his head, “You _must_ have had a job at some point.”

“Dude, what’s with all the questions?” Jared leans against the door post and folds his arms across his chest.

“It’s been bugging me since we first met,” Chad stretches across and puts his beer down, freeing both his hands.

“It was probably at a party or something,” Jared suggests.

Chad snorts, “I might be able to work it out if your face wasn’t hidden away under that hood,” Before Jensen can move out of reach, Chad’s hand grabs the rim of the hood and pulls it down fast. His bald head is exposed for the world to see, and Jensen’s heart stops. He glances at Jared, who just stares back at him with wide eyes, his mouth open.

“ _Dude,”_ Chad shakes his head, “Bald is really not a good look for you.”

Jensen doesn’t hear him; he’s too focused on Jared’s reaction. He wishes he could know what Jared’s thinking. Jared looks away, and Jensen can’t take being in the room anymore. He passes Chad, and pushes past Jared, focussed on getting out of the room as quickly as possible. Jared doesn’t call after him, and he doesn’t look back as he runs up the stairs. The pain pills are still clutched in his right hand as he enters his bedroom and slams the door behind him. He locks the door, and then falls onto his bed. His pillow is still covered with his hair, and he throws it across the room with as much force as possible. He drops the two pills onto his bedside table, and picks up his iPod instead. He pushes the headphones into his ears, searching through his music library for something loud. He finally finds some AC/DC and presses play. It makes his head hurt even more, but he doesn’t care.

************

The playlist ends a couple of hours later. Jensen’s feeling a little bit better, but he’s still not ready to leave his room, especially if Chad’s still out there. He yanks at the headphone wires and pulls the headphones from his ears. He winds the wires around the iPod, dropping it onto the bed.

He’s never been self conscious about the way he looks. He’s never had to be. He never had an awkward gangly stage when he was a teenager, never had a problem with spots, or his weight, and there are no photos of him with questionable hairstyles. All of which has meant he wasn’t prepared for the feelings that ran through him when he looked in the mirror earlier. For the first time in his life, he doesn’t like what he sees. If he doesn’t like what he sees, how can anyone else possibly like it?

There’s a knock on his door, and he sighs, “Go away Jared.”

“No,” Jared shouts through the locked door. “Not until you talk to me.”

Jensen climbs off the bed and pads over to the door. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Chad’s gone. I threw him out as soon as you left.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Jensen replies, even though he’s glad Chad’s gone.

“Of course I did,” Jared says softly, and Jensen has to strain to hear him through the wood. “He was being a douche.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees, “But he’s still your friend.”

“Well, so are you.”

The quietly spoken words render Jensen speechless. He didn’t know they were friends, had never really thought about it before, and now Jared is telling Jensen that he considers him a friend?

In the hospital, when Jared had first told Jensen that he planned to be his friend, he’d thought it was a ridiculous idea. You can’t become friends with an ex-client. It just doesn’t work that way. It can’t move past anything other than what it already is. Now though, Jensen has to admit there’s a chance he was wrong.

“I am?”

Jared doesn’t answer the question, “I bought you a present... open the door and I’ll give it to you.”

Jensen frowns. He doesn’t want to be some kind of kept man whom Jared buys expensive gifts for. “What is it?”

“Open the door and find out.” Jensen unlocks the door slowly and opens it a crack. “More,” Jared demands. Jensen rolls his eyes and opens the door completely. He still can’t look Jared in the eye, and so he focuses his eyes on the hands hidden behind Jared’s back.

“Well?”

“Close your eyes.”

“Jared,” Jensen warns. He doesn’t have the patience for Jared’s antics, not today.

“Okay, okay,” he pulls something from behind his back, and holds it out towards Jensen. “Here, for you.”

Jensen takes the present, and turns it over in his hands. “A beanie?” He looks up from the gift and meets Jared’s eyes.

Jared nods, “For when you’re out of the house and you want to cover up. Works a little better than a hood.”

“Thanks,” Jensen’s honestly grateful. No-one else would be as thoughtful, not towards him.

Jared shrugs like it’s nothing. “For what it’s worth, I like the new look.”

“Okay, now you’re just saying that.”

“It’s true!”

Jensen tries to hide a smile, “Whatever.”

Jared grins. “You coming down for lunch?”

“Yeah,” Jensen nods. He pulls the hat over his head and strikes a pose. “What do you think?”

Jared’s grins widens, “It’s perfect.”

Just having his head covered again makes Jensen feel ten times better. This morning he was self-conscious, tired, and had a headache to rival the size of Texas. He’s amazed at how quickly Jared can turn things around for him.

He wears the hat proudly, every single day, for the next two weeks.

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

 

 

Jared’s sitting at the head of a long conference table and sifting through the papers needed for his next meeting. He’s arrived early to make sure he’s fully prepared, seeing as the meeting will hopefully lead to completing a four State advertising deal for his company. If he doesn’t land this, the whole company will suffer, and he’ll have to start the negotiations all over again, which will cost him time and money.

Once his paperwork’s all in order, he checks his cell phone for any messages. The meeting’s in Houston, which means a night in a hotel away from Jensen. Before Jared had left, Jensen had assured him he’d be fine, even rolled his eyes at Jared as he pushed him out the door. He’d entered his number into Jensen’s phone, and made sure he knew to call him for anything. So far he’s had no word from him, and Jared doesn’t know if no news is good news.

The door opens, and Jared looks up to greet his second in command, Simon Tagger. He’d hired Simon straight after he’s set up his first hotel, and the man had done nothing but earn him more money ever since. “You ready?” He asks as Simon sits down in the chair beside him and hands him a cup of coffee.

“Of course,” Simon returns with a smile. Jared watches Simon open his leather briefcase and pull out his own files.

“Got the contract?”

Simon rolls his eyes and hands over the contract, “You hired me for a reason boss.”

“You wife _does_ make a mean carrot cake,” Jared jokes.

“Funny,” Simon returns dryly.  Jared’s eyes flick up to the clock on the wall. “Got somewhere to be?”

“Nah,” Jared shakes his head, “Just want to get this finished quickly.”

“As do I, Mr. Padalecki,” A third voice answers.

 Jared hadn’t heard the door open. A tall, well built man in a sharp suit is standing in the doorway, a younger man in a cheaper suit standing behind him. He stands and smiles, “Please, call me Jared.”

“Richard Harmon,” The man responds, holding his hand out for Jared to shake. “Time is money, that’s my motto.”

“A good motto to have,” Jared agrees. He waits for Harmon to sit down on the opposite side of the conference table, before sitting down himself.

“So,” Harmon clasps his hands together tightly. “Let’s get on with this, shall we?”

“Sounds…” Jared pauses mid-sentence when his cell begins to ring. He sends an apologetic look Harmon’s way, and pulls the phone from his pocket. It’s Jensen’s number, and he frowns. He knows Jensen would only ring if it was really important. He’s been way too independent so far to start back sliding now. “Excuse me, this could be important,” he sends Simon a look, to tell him to continue without him, then slips out of the room.

He answers the phone and presses it to his ear, “Jensen? What’s wrong?” Jared hears nothing but slow breathing for a long moment before Jensen replies.

“Sorry for ringing.”

“It’s okay Jensen, what’s up?”

“I need....the house is really cold, and I can’t get the...the thermostat to work, I think it’s broken.”

Jared frowns, Jensen’s ringing because he’s cold? “It’s all controlled by a computer. It’s always set at 70 degrees.”

“The house is an _icebox_ Jared.”

“Have you tried turning up the dial?”

“Yes,” Jensen sighs through the phone, “It’s not working.”

“Jensen, I had it checked not long before you moved in; it’s working fine.”

“I....I can’t get warm Jared.”

“Jensen, are you okay?”

“Can’t get warm Jare...” Jensen repeats himself. He doesn’t sound right, and Jared’s worry comes back full force.

“Jensen, go get back into bed, okay? You can take the comforter off my bed for some extra warmth. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Okay,” Jensen speaks so softly Jared can barely hear him. Jensen hangs up first, and Jared snaps his phone shut, holding it tightly in his fist until his hand turns white. He has a choice to make, and he doesn’t know what to do. Go home and make sure Jensen is okay, or stay and get his contract signed. He steps back into the conference room, and watches from the side as Simon and Richard discuss the contract. He prefers to be in charge of all major negotiations and sales himself. That way, if something goes wrong, he can’t blame anyone else, but he has to get back to Jensen. There’s no way he can get through this meeting with the thought that Jensen might be in trouble on his mind, and he trusts Simon to get the job done.

“Sorry,” he interrupts the discussion. “Something’s come up.”

Richard raises an eyebrow, “Something more important?”

Jared knows he’s not exactly setting the best example.  “A friend of mine is ill, he needs my help,” he also knows honestly is always the best policy in these cases.

Richard nods. His face is blank and his hands are still clasped together, “Good to know where your priorities lie,” he says, and Jared worries that he’s made a big mistake in choosing Jensen over the contract, “Friends are more important than business Jared,” Jared mentally sighs in relief. “Go; your _extremely_ capable vice-president and I will get this deal finished for you.”

“Thank you,” Jared looks to Simon, “You got the...?”

“Yes!” Simon rolls his eyes at him “Go!” Jared grins in return. He gathers up his belongings and makes a quick exit. He takes the elevator down to the underground car park, and throws his stuff into the back seat as he climbs into the driver’s seat. It’s going to take him at least four hours to get home, with no hold ups. He just hopes Jensen will be fine ‘til he gets home. He starts the engine and speeds out of the car park.

**********

The house is completely silent when he steps inside, and it’s hot enough to grow tropical plants in his living room. He winces and yanks off his jacket, throwing it over the couch. He makes a beeline for the thermostat first and dials the temperature down by ten degrees. He cracks open a couple of windows in the kitchen, and then goes on a search for Jensen.

“Jensen?” He shouts as he climbs up the stairs. “Jensen?” Jensen’s bedroom door is closed. He knocks softly on the door once, and then tries again a little louder when there’s no answer. He hopes Jensen’s gone to bed like he suggested, and that he’ll find him fast asleep under a pile of covers. “I’m coming in Jensen,” he warns, seconds before gripping the door handle and pushing.

His eyes land on the empty bed, and his forehead furrows in confusion. The comforter from his bed has been put on top of the bed, and both the covers have been thrown back, but there’s no sign of Jensen. “Jensen?” The room is so humid, he’s finding it hard to breathe. It feels like a sauna, and Jared starts to sweat. He steps over the threshold and searches the room for any clues to Jensen’s whereabouts. His eyes finally fall on the open bathroom doorway. There, on the floor, just peeking out, is Jensen’s hand, lying open and limp.

“Fuck!” Jared crosses the room quickly and steps into the en-suite. Jensen is lying on his back, spread out over the bathroom tiles, unconscious. His pyjamas are drenched in sweat, and Jared can barely see his chest moving. His face is deathly white, and it scares Jared to see just how still Jensen is. He drops down onto the floor beside him, ignoring the jarring pain as his knees connect with the solid tiles. “Jensen?” He shakes him, hoping for a reaction, but Jensen doesn’t make a sound. “Come on, Jensen!” He presses two fingers to Jensen’s neck and feels for a pulse. It’s there, but it’s racing. Jensen needs an ambulance, and quickly, and Jared curses when he realises his cell phone is in his jacket pocket downstairs. He slips his hands under Jensen’s armpits, and pulls him off the cold floor, and into the bedroom. He pulls a cushion off the bed and pushes it underneath Jensen’s head, before running out of the bedroom. He jumps down the stairs, nearly tripping on a stray sock at the bottom, and speeds into the living room. He fumbles with his jacket, pulls out his cell phone from the inside pocket, and dials 911.

“911,what’s your emergency?” A female voice answers.

“Yeah, my housemate’s collapsed, I can’t wake him up,” he says, then hands over his address.

“An ambulance will be with you as soon as possible,” The woman tells him just before he hangs up. He opens the front door ready for the paramedics, and then rushes back up the stairs to Jensen. “It’s okay Jensen,” he soothes, running his hand over Jensen’s bald head gently.

It feels like fifteen hours, rather than the fifteen minutes it takes the paramedics to arrive. He sighs in relief when he hears them downstairs. “Up here!” He shouts as loudly as he can. Two burly men in navy jumpsuits enter the room, red bags in one hand and an end of the stretcher each in the other.

“What’s his name?” The older of the two men asks.

“Jensen, his name’s Jensen. I just came home and found him like this.”

“Cancer?” the man guesses as he places an oxygen mask over Jensen’s face.

Jared nods, “He’s been having chemo for....” He closes his eyes and counts the weeks in his head “Five weeks, last round was four days ago.”

“He’s probably caught a virus.  His immune system will be compromised because of the chemo drugs. We need to take him in and get him stabilised,” Jared sits back out of the way as the two paramedics work on Jensen. Jared still can’t get the image of Jensen, lying on the floor unconscious, out of his mind. For a split second he’d thought Jensen was dead. He’d never been so relieved to see Jensen’s chest rise and fall slowly. He can’t believe he’d left Jensen alone while he sorted out a deal hours away. If Jensen hadn’t rung him, Jared wouldn’t have found him until the next day, and then who knows if Jensen would’ve survived. Just the thought that he could have come home to find Jensen dead sends shivers down his spine.

“Sir?” Jared blinks out of his morbid thoughts and looks up at the paramedic. “We’re ready to go, you coming?” Jensen has been put onto the stretcher and there’s an IV in his arm. Jared pulls himself to his feet and follows the stretcher down the stairs and out the door. Once Jensen is settled in the back of the ambulance, Jared jumps up inside and sits down on the spare seat. He doesn’t hold Jensen’s hand;, instead he slips his hand underneath his wrist. He runs his thumb across Jensen’s damp skin. “I’m here Jensen,” he says softly. The back doors are slammed shut before the sirens start, and the ambulance pulls away from the curb, tyres squealing.

************

Jared finds himself in another waiting room forty minutes later. The one in the emergency room is loud and busy. Sitting on his left is a guy holding a towel to cut on his arm, and on his other side is a young mother trying to calm her crying toddler. Jensen had been taken behind the doors twenty minutes ago, and so far there’s been no word of his condition. He needs coffee, but the machine is on the other side of the room, and an overweight Goth has been eyeing his seat ever since he’d sat down. He’s not going to lose his seat for a crappy cup of sludge. His cell rings, and it makes the toddler cry even louder. He answers the phone just to stop the loud ringing.

“Hello?” He presses the phone to his ear tightly. He can’t hear properly with a baby crying into his other ear.

“Jared?” It’s Sandy. I just talked to Simon. He said you walked out of the meeting before it even started.”

“Did it all go okay?”

Sandy sighs, and Jared can picture her sitting at her desk rubbing her forehead, “It went fine Jared, we got the deal.”

“Good, that’s good,” Jared relaxes slightly, half the weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

“What happened Jared? It’s not like you to risk a big deal like that.”

“I had somewhere to be Sandy,” he tries to explain. 

“Somewhere more important than the advertising deal?”

“Yeah Sandy, it was more important,” Sandy’s silent for a long moment, and Jared wonders if she’s even still there. “Sandy?”

“You’ve changed Jared. You used to talk to me, confide in me.”

“I still do,” Jared argues.

“No, no you don’t....have I done something? Made you think you can’t trust me?”

This isn’t the conversation he wants to have in the middle of an ER waiting room. “I’m not sure you’d understand,” he answers honestly.

“You’ll never know unless you tell me.”

Sandy’s right, but Jared’s still not sure what to do. He’s kept his sexuality a secret for so long that even telling one person is a hard thing to ask from him. “I need a couple of days off. I need you to clear my diary.”

“Jared, you’ve hardly been in for the last six weeks!”

Jared sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, “I know, I know.”

“.....Is something wrong Jared? Are you sick?”

“No,” Jared quickly denies. “I’m not ill...okay?”

Sandy pauses before answering quietly, “Okay.”

“I’ll phone you tomorrow,” he presses the button to end the call, and drops the phone back into his pocket. The man sitting opposite him throws up all over the floor _and_ Jared’s designer shoes, and Jared sighs.

Another half an hour passes before Jensen’s oncologist comes out and finds him. He stands at the doors with a chart under his arm, “Jared, right?”

Jared nods and stands. As soon as he moves away from his seat, the Goth runs towards it and drops down onto it.

“Doctor Patterson, how’s Jensen?” Jared asks, one of the many questions he has stored up.

“He’s doing okay.” The doctor nods at him. “He’s got a virus, and it’s hit him harder because of the chemo. Has he been around anyone with a cold or the flu?”

Jared’s heart sank, “I...I was feeling under the weather last week. I’m the only one he’s been around.” Oh God! This was all his fault.

“It’s often unavoidable really. We’ve got him on oxygen, and under a cooling blanket to help keep his temperature down.”

“Is he awake?”

Patterson stares at him for moment, “No, not yet.”

Jared frowns, “Is that normal?”

“Do you know how long he was unconscious for?”

Jared shakes his head, “I was out of town. I called before I left, and he was a little out of it. I told him to go get some rest. I called an hour later, and there was no answer, I just assumed he was asleep. I got home two hours after that and found him on the bathroom floor.” Jared doesn’t mention the nagging sensation of ‘Danger, Will Robinson’ that had been haunting him since Jensen’s phone call.

“Well, he might have hit his head when he collapsed. We’ll take him for a scan, just to be sure,”

Jared nods, “How long will he be in here for?”

“If his temp goes down tonight, and his scan is clear, then he could be released sometime tomorrow. If not, then the day after.”

“And his chemo? He’s supposed to have his next round in a few days.”

Patterson purses his lips, “I’m afraid he won’t be able to continue his treatment until he’s well again,” Jared can’t believe he’s caused Jensen’s treatment to be set back. How can Jensen forgive him?

He swallows hard, “Can I see him?”

The doctor considers the request for a moment before he nods. “I’ll take you to his room, it’s this way,” he leads Jared through the sliding doors and down a busy hall. At the very end on the corridor is a group of doors which lead to single bedrooms. Patterson pushes one of the doors and holds it open for Jared. The room has a similar layout to Jensen’s old hospital room. The bed is behind a drawn curtain, the end of the bed barely visible.

Jared hesitates by the door. He’s not sure he can face Jensen, even if he is unconscious. “Go on,” Patterson presses his hand to Jared’s shoulder, “Press the call button if he wakes up.”

Jared raises an eyebrow and looks back at Jensen’s doctor, “If?” He repeats.

Patterson smiles calmly, “ _When,_ ” he corrects himself. “I’ll get that scan booked in a-sap,” he adds, before turning and leaving. The door closes behind him and the noise and the bustle from the ER gets shut out. Jared takes a deep breath and circles the curtain.

He’s relieved to see some of the colour back in Jensen’s cheeks, and he’s looking more alive, even if he is still asleep. He has a nasal cannula giving him oxygen, and the IV is giving him God knows what. Jared doesn’t care as long as it’s helping.

“Hey Jen,” he greets, as though Jensen is wide awake. He drops down into the plastic chair beside the bed. It takes a bit of shifting around to find a comfortable position. “I know you can’t hear me....or at least I don’t think you can,” he shrugs, “I’m sorry Jensen, this is all my fault. I _promise_ I’ll make it up to you somehow, whatever it takes.”

There’s no response from Jensen, and Jared slumps into the chair, not caring how the plastic digs into his lower back. “You’re gonna be here for a while....thought I’d visit the gift shop, see if there’s any good trashy novels,” he lifts himself up out of the chair. “Something bad enough you’ll wake up, just to tell me to stop reading aloud,” Jared smiles and hopes.

 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

 

 

Jensen bites his tongue as Jared leads him through the front door, one hand supporting his arm, and the other hand on the small of his back. Jared had been hovering ever since he’d woken up in the hospital. It had been a bit of a surprise to find himself hooked up to machines and dressed in a hospital gown that exposed his ass. He was still weak from the virus, but he’d been judged to be recovered enough to be released from the hospital, so he could finish recovering at home. Jensen preferred to be out of the hospital though, and having Jared fussing over him was the lesser of two evils.

He’s pushed towards the couch and Jensen smirks at the set-up around it. Jared’s thought of everything. There’s food and drink, magazines, the TV and DVD remotes, the x-box controller, the phone, three pillows and two blankets. “You forgot the kitchen sink,” Jensen jokes as Jared helps him down onto the couch. He waves Jared’s hands away when he tries tucking Jensen under the blankets.

“If there’s anything else you need, just yell and I’ll get it for you.”

“I’m fine Jared, just a little tired.”

“You going to be okay in here?” Jared looks at him with the same expression of concern he’s had all day. He isn’t used to Jared acting like this. It’s not like he hates it, but it just isn’t like Jared. In the last six weeks of chemo, Jared has learnt when to help Jensen, and when to let Jensen help himself. There’s a contradiction happening with Jared. He won’t let Jensen out of his sight, yet can barely look him in the eye. Jensen’s determined to find out why Jared is acting so strangely.

 “This thing is comfier than my bed,” he nods and pats the cushions.

“It should be, it cost me a fortune,” Jared smiles. Jared smiles a lot. It’s something Jensen has learnt whilst living with Jared. He hardly ever feels too down not to smile, and even when he’s busy with work, or Jensen’s being a bastard, Jared still somehow manages a smile. This time the smile Jared sends his way doesn’t reach his eyes and looks so fake. Like he’s only doing it to keep Jensen from thinking something is wrong. Jensen’s had to pretend enough himself to know when someone else is doing it.

Jared stands and stares at a point just past Jensen, like he’s guarding him, ready to be there in case he needs anything. Jensen just wants to sleep. “Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“You planning on standing there all afternoon?”

Jared shrugs, “Just thought I should hang around in case you need anything.”

“Jared, if I need something I’m quite capable of getting up and getting it myself.” Jared drops down into the chair, folds his arms across his chest, and stares at the carpet. Jared stays silent, and Jensen continues, “What happens when I need the bathroom? You gonna carry me down the hall?”

Jared suddenly seems to snap. He jumps back up to his feet and spreads his arms, “Whatever Jensen! I was just trying to fucking help, and as usual, you won’t let me!” He tells Jensen bitingly. He doesn’t give Jensen time to reply as he storms off down the hall. Jensen hears Jared’s office door slam shut.

Jensen knows he’s not the cheeriest person to be around, but he’s never caused that reaction from Jared before. At least he knows something _is_ definitely wrong with the other man. Jared needs time to calm down, and Jensen needs sleep. He shuffles down under the blankets and turns over onto his left side, facing the back of the couch. He slips into unconsciousness easily, and doesn’t wake again until it’s dark outside.

He’s disorientated when he wakes. He’s not used to waking up on the couch, and he has no idea what the time is. The large living room is silent and dark. It takes his eyes a moment to adjust to the lack of light, and as he stretches out his tired muscles, his eyes fall on a silhouetted figure sitting on the chair watching him. He stops breathing and adrenaline rushes through his system. As his mind clears, he slowly realises who it is.

“Jared?” His voice is rough, and as he sits up against the pillows he reaches for the water Jared had left for him earlier, which is still sitting on the coffee table. He takes a couple of sips from the old water. It’s warm, and doesn’t taste very nice, but it soothes his throat. “Jared?” He calls again when Jared says nothing. “Please say that’s you.”

“Yeah, it’s me,” Jared returns, his voice just as raw as his own, though Jensen doesn’t think it’s from just waking up. 

“What are you doing sitting in the dark?” He wishes he could see Jared’s face. All he can see are shapes and shadows. He wants to see Jared’s eyes, see what Jared is feeling. Jensen frowns as something occurs to him, “How long have you been sitting there?”

Jared clears his throat and his breath hitches, “A while,” he answers.

Jensen twists around until he’s sitting up straight and pulls the blanket over his cold feet. He pats the empty space, “Come and sit over here....I can’t see you over there.” Jared doesn’t move for a long time and Jensen’s about to ask for a second time, when Jared finally stands up and shuffles over to the couch. He drops down into the empty space, and his face is instantly illuminated by the moon outside.

“Jesus Jared,” Jared looks more tired than Jensen’s ever seen him. His eyes are dull, and there are deep bags under his eyes. There’s a thin red rim under his eyes too, and he wonders if Jared’s been crying.

“I’m sorry,” Jared’s voice breaks and he looks away.

“What are you sorry for?” Jensen asks softly, as though speaking loudly would ruin the moment, would stop Jared from opening up to him. Jared might be the only person he has in his life to help him through his illness at the moment, but he’s starting to think that, even surrounded by his friends and co-workers, Jared has no-one to talk to apart from him. He’s been so caught up in how his chemo is affecting him, he’s not stopped to think how looking after him might be affecting Jared. “Jared?”

“This is all my fault.”

“What’s your fault Jared?”

“You getting ill,” he answers.

“You didn’t _give_ me cancer.”

“I’m not talking about…”  Jared rolls his shoulders, “The virus Jensen, you caught it off me.”

Jensen is starting to understand what’s going on inside Jared’s mind. “You don’t know that.”

“Who else have you come into contact with who’s been ill, huh?” Jared sighs, “You caught it off me, and you nearly _died_ , and now your treatment’s been put off until you’re better, and it’s all my fault.”

Jensen looks at Jared for a moment before twisting around until he’s curled up on the couch facing him. “Jared....look at me,” Jared doesn’t move a muscle. “Jared,” he says more firmly, “ _Look at me._ ” Jared’s head slowly lifts, and his eyes finally meet Jensen’s. “I don’t blame you okay?” Jared opens his mouth, ready to protest, and Jensen lifts a hand and places it over Jared’s mouth to stop him. “You are _not_ to blame,” he takes his hand away. “I have a compromised immune system. I knew there was a high chance I was probably going to catch something. It doesn’t matter if the virus came from you or the mailman, okay?” He lifts his hand to Jared’s head and runs his fingers though his hair. He stops halfway and cups Jared’s cheek. It’s an intimate gesture, especially for Jensen, but it’s the only way to keep Jared from avoiding his gaze, “Okay?”

“Yeah...okay,” Jared returns finally.

The heat of Jared’s face seeps into his cold hand, and he tries to take his hand way. Jared lifts his own hand and presses it over Jensen’s to keep it in place. Jensen sucks in a deep breath as he realises how close he is to Jared, and he can feel the tension build in the room, until it’s thick enough to cut with a knife. “Jared,” Jensen breathes.

“God...finding you on the floor like that... I was so scared you were going to die,” Jared admits.

Jensen falls silent, conflict written all over his face. “Jensen?” Jared asks softly, “What’s wrong?”

Jensen is silent for a while longer, his inner turmoil obvious in the tense way he holds himself, and the way he watches his hands, which are busy rubbing along his jean clad thighs. Finally, he looks up at Jared, and Jared is shocked at the fear he sees there. “I still might Jared. I could die. I’m just thirty, and I could be dead this time next year.”

Jared’s shocked by what Jensen’s been keeping to himself, and he suddenly finds it hard to breathe. He knows Jensen is a private person, but it would kill Jared to keep something like that to himself, to feel the fear every day and not be able to share it. “I never...” Jared stops. He doesn’t know what to say. “I didn’t know you...”

 Jensen turns his head away. He’s never been so open about his feelings before, and it’s hard to see the look in Jared’s eyes. “I had this plan...” he begins, his eyes trained on the carpet. “A couple more years, save enough money, and I could retire from the business,” he sighs “My job was never the whole plan, and I certainly wasn’t planning on doing it forever.”

He’s never told anyone his plan. For a long time it was nothing but a dream, but when he starting making more money from his clients, it stopped being a dream and became something more, something he could strive for. “I thought about heading out into the country....finding somewhere where no-one knows who I am. Where I’m not recognised on the street by fat balding businessmen that I've slept with...maybe even look at college courses,” he stops and smiles wistfully. “When I was a kid I always wanted to be a doctor...help sick people....I would wrap toilet paper around my teddy like a bandage, until he looked like an Egyptian mummy.”

“It sounds nice,” Jared’s voice is quiet, like anything louder would make Jensen stop. He’s curious to learn more about the man who’s been living in his house for weeks. No matter how much time they’ve spent together, Jensen has still kept so much to himself. Jensen talks as though he’s confessing to a priest. There’s still so much Jensen doesn’t say, and Jared’s even more curious about Jensen’s past, something he has yet to even mention.

Jensen shrugs one shoulder, his eyes still avoiding Jared’s, “It was....looks like I won’t be getting any of that after all.” Jensen’s voice is filled with defeat, and Jared can’t bear to hear it. He can’t let Jensen give up on his future. Jensen needs to have a future he can want if he’s going to stand a better chance of beating his cancer.

“Hey!” He forces Jensen to look at him with a hand slipped around Jensen’s neck. Looking Jared in the eyes is the only way Jensen will believe him. “I've done my research okay? And if they catch it early enough, it’s beatable, and I _know_ you’re going to beat this thing...and once you do? You can go on to do whatever you want, you can get that dream job!”

Jensen pulls out of Jared’s hold and laughs bitterly. “All the money I had saved is going towards my treatment Jared, so my future is back to hooking for a living...my _dream_ job. Maybe dying isn’t so bad, after all.”

The shock of Jensen’s comment shows on Jared’s face. “You don’t have to go back to that Jensen; you could go anywhere, be any...”

 “You don’t get it, do you?” Jensen shouts, “I don’t have a choice! I have no money, _nothing_ any more. It’s _all_ going on my medical bills. I have no qualifications Jared, all I know how to do is sell my ass. Only now, it won’t be such exclusive property. I’m damaged goods, and really, who wants to fuck someone who’s had cancer?”

There’s a heartbeat of silence, it’s heavy, and it feels like it stretches out forever before Jared says, “I do.”

Jensen frowns at Jared’s admission. There’s no way Jared still wants him. He’s already turned Jensen down once, and that was before all his hair fell out, and he’s pretty sure he’s lost everything that once made men want him. “Don’t...don’t just say that because you think it’s what I want to hear.”

“I’m not.”

Jensen sighs and runs a shaky hand over his head. “You turned me down Jared...I offered myself to you, and you turned me down.”

“Yeah,” Jared nods in agreement, “Because it’s what you thought I wanted....I didn’t want you to think you had to sleep with me for a roof over your head.”

Jensen’s confused, “Are you saying you _don’t_ want me?”

“No, I’m saying I haven’t stopped wanting you....but if something _did_ happen between us? It would be because we _both_ wanted it, not because it’s _payment_ for something.”

Jensen’s disbelief doesn’t leave his face, and Jared can't take it anymore. He can't take Jensen thinking he's only wanted as goods in exchange for services. He doesn't mean to, but he finds himself leaning forwards, his hand reaching out to cup Jensen's head. He presses his lips against Jensen’s softly. The kiss is not about passion or heat; it’s about proving something to Jensen, showing him he doesn’t care about the way he looks, or what his former job was. He doesn’t try to go any further than lips pressed together, not wanting to freak Jensen out. Jared still enjoys the feeling, the thrill he gets every time he kisses Jensen.

Jensen stills when Jared kisses him, too surprised to respond. His eyes widen as he lets Jared continue to kiss him. It ends moments later; Jared pulls away and smiles shyly at Jensen. He wants to kiss Jensen again, but Jensen dashes any hopes they can take it further. Jensen lifts his hand and places it flat against Jared’s chest.

“It’s late...you should go get some sleep,” Jensen can see Jared’s about to protest the suggestion “I need sleep too,” he adds, knowing Jared can’t argue with that.

“Oh...okay,” he licks his lips and slowly rises to his feet. He feels a little bewildered. In the space of an hour he’s gone through a rollercoaster of emotions, finishing with a kiss that made his heart race in his chest. He doesn’t like thinking about Jensen going back to prostitution, and he’s a little worried he’s coming to think of Jensen as exclusively _his_. He doesn’t want to think about Jensen kissing anyone else the way he just kissed him, let alone anything else. “Good night Jensen.”

“Night,” Jensen returns.

“I’ll see you in the morning?” Jared asks, like he’s afraid he’s taken things too far, and he’ll wake up in the morning to find that Jensen’s fled.

Jensen nods.  “Yeah, you’ll see me in the morning,” he confirms.

Jared eventually turns and pads upstairs. Jensen listens for every footstep, and only relaxes against the cushions when he hears Jared’s bedroom door shut.

He hadn’t lied to Jared about being tired and he fights back a yawn. He’s too tired to make it up the stairs, so he swings his legs back up onto the couch and settles the blanket over them. He shuffles onto his side and stares into the darkness, closing his eyes and waiting for sleep to come, but no matter how tired he is, he just isn’t tired enough.

It probably has something to do with that kiss that he can’t get out of his head. He can still taste Jared on his lips, and it scares him how much he wants to do it again and again. It scares him how easy it was to open up to Jared. He’s not worried about what he admitted to, he’s more concerned about _why_ it was so easy to talk to Jared. When did he begin to trust Jared? When had he begun to enjoy being around Jared, and to rely on his presence so much? His thoughts keep him up most of the night, afraid of where his suddenly acknowledged feelings for Jared are going, and what the hell he’s going to do about it.

 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

Sandy climbs out of her car, straightens her skirt, and stares up at the house in front of her. Jared’s cars are sitting in the driveway in front of her, so she knows he’s home. She’s tired of Jared avoiding her calls and not answering her questions. For weeks now, he’s been taking days off work, when he knows he has important meetings, with no explanation why. It hurts her to think Jared’s keeping things from her. He’s trusted her with so much, so she doesn’t understand what she’s done to make Jared keep whatever’s the reason behind this from her. She’s not going to sit outside an empty office, whilst Jared does god knows what, any longer.

She makes her way up the garden path, stops in front of the door, and knocks hard twice. The house is large, so Sandy waits patiently for someone to answer. She examines her chipped nails as she waits, and makes a mental note to book in for a manicure, right after buying some more cat food and writing a birthday card to her cousin. Finally, there’s a clicking sound on the other side of the door. She looks up as it swings open, and she’s taken aback by the stranger standing there in front of her.

The man is standing there in a pair of loose pyjama bottoms and a grey t-shirt. A black beanie hat covers his head, and he’s wearing thick socks on his feet, even though it’s hot outside. He’s holding a piece of half eaten toast in his left hand. He lifts the toast to his mouth and takes a bite, all the while staring at her blankly.

“Hello?” Sandy greets the stranger.

“Hey,” he returns.

“Who are you?”

The man tilts his head to one side and returns the question with one of his own, “Who are _you?”_

Sandy’s shoes clack against the stone slab pavement as she shuffles from one foot to the other, “I’m Sandy, Jared’s assistant.”

He nods, but makes no move to let her into the house, “Jared didn’t tell me you were coming by today.”

“It’s a surprise visit,” she tells him somewhat sarcastically. “I've got some forms he needs to sign and it can’t wait,” she waves the folder she’s carrying in the man’s direction. Technically the forms could have waited a couple of days, but they became the perfect excuse for Sandy to turn up on Jared’s doorstep.

“Oh,” he shrugs and reverses back a couple of steps, opening the door wider to let Sandy pass.

It’s not the first time Sandy’s been to the house, sometimes she meets Jared before work for breakfast, or plays his co-host when he’s hosting a barbecue. During a particularly busy week earlier that year she’d spent most of her time at Jared’s when he broke his wrist, eating takeout and typing on the coffee table, so she’s never felt uncomfortable around his house. But there’s something about Jared’s strange visitor that makes Sandy all too aware of herself and her surroundings. The house feels different, but Sandy can’t put her finger on it.

The man stares at her silently for a long time, until she finally speaks up, “Where’s Jared?”

“He went to the store for some food, he’ll be back soon.”

“Oh, okay,” he turns away from her and walks casually into the living room. He looks at home in Jared’s house, and she wonders how long he’s been staying with Jared. Jared certainly hasn’t mentioned having anyone stay with him, but it does go halfway to explaining why Jared’s been so distracted. What is it about this man that makes Jared drop important meetings? She’s more curious than ever to know who this man is, and what his relationship is to Jared. She follows him into the living room and sits down in the chair, placing the files down on the table. The man lies along the length of the couch and lazily flicks through the TV channels. “You never told me your name.”

He stops flicking and looks at her for a moment, before holding out his hand towards her “Jensen, Jensen Ackles,” he introduces. She lets his hand hover in front of her for too long. “Don’t worry, I’m not contagious,” he tells her, and she’s confused by the statement. She quickly shakes his hand before pulling her hand back to her lap.

“You’re living here?” She asks and he nods, “How long?”

“Four months.”

Sandy’s eyes widen. Jared’s had a lodger in his house for four months, and he’d never said anything? Before Sandy can continue her line of questioning the front door opens, and closes again a moment later.

“I’m back!” Jared shouts from the hallway, “I bought that strange cheese you liked, so don’t say I never do anything nice for you,” he steps into the main room clutching a full paper bag to his chest. He stops mid step when he sees Sandy. “Sandy, hey, how long have you been here?”

“Not long.”

“Let me just put this food away, and we can talk.”

“It’s okay,” Jensen climbs off the couch, “I can do that,” he lifts the bag out of Jared’s hands and takes it into the kitchen. Jared watches Jensen leave, and only then does he look to Sandy. He takes Jensen’s place on the couch and turns off the TV.

“You bought actual _food_?” Sandy raises an eyebrow, knowing Jared’s penchant for all food that arrives on a motorcycle that’s ridden by a spotty teenager.

Jared grins, “Jensen’s a good influence on the contents of my fridge.”

“He tells me he’s been living here for four months,” Sandy raises the subject cautiously.

“He has,” Jared replies curtly, “What did you need Sandy?” He asks, changing the subject quickly.

She slides the files across the table and pulls out a pen from her purse. “I need your John Hancock on these.” He takes the pen, opens the files, and reads through the forms carefully before leaving his signature on the dotted line at the bottom. “Done,” he closes the file and slides it back over. “Anything else?”

“You going to be at work on Monday?”

He shrugs, “Maybe. I’ll let you know.”

Sandy nods, “Jared…”

“You want a drink?” Jared interrupts.

“I’m fine.”

“Jen!” He turns his head and shouts towards the kitchen, “Can you get me a...”

“Yeah!” Jensen returns before Jared’s even told him what he wants. A moment later, Jensen appears with a bottle of water. He hands it to Jared, and Jared thanks him as he backtracks to the kitchen. He unscrews the cap and takes a gulp of the water.

“He’s...helpful,” Sandy supplies.

“He has his uses,” Jared smirks against the rim of the bottle. Sandy senses there’s a story behind Jared’s remark that she’s not privy to.

“Why is he living here?”

“He’s got no-where else to live,” Jared answers her question.

Sandy makes a face, “You just pulled him off the street?”

Jared grins, “Something like that.”

“Okay,” Sandy stands, “Well, I still feel like I have no idea what’s going on with you at the moment, and it’s obvious I’m not going to get proper answers here, so I’m just going to go back to the office, where you should be, and finish re-organizing your schedule so you _can_ be here instead of at the office.” She takes a deep breath as she finishes.

“Sands,” Jared lifts himself off the couch and pouts. He hates how closed off he has to be with Sandy. He doesn’t want to hurt her.

“It’s okay Jared, I’m just going to go,” she picks up the newly signed papers and quickly makes her way to the door. “Call me when you know about Monday,” she says softly, avoiding Jared’s eyes.

“Yeah,” he opens the front door for her and watches her walk away.

“That was Sandy then,” Jensen remarks from behind him. Jared pivots until he’s facing Jensen. He’s leaning against the door post, one socked foot tucked behind the other.

“Yeah, that’s her.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything for a moment, “She’s shorter than I pictured,” he says finally, pushing off the doorpost and walking back into the living room.

*************

Sandy leaves the house without turning back. She makes her way to her car, pulling the keys out of her pocket as she goes. She climbs into her car and starts the engine, watching Jared close the front door out of the corner of her eye. She thinks about returning to the office, but she just can’t shake her anger at Jared for withholding so much from her. She’s too distracted to work, and the only way to get through it is to finally get the answers she’s been so desperately looking for. Instead of pulling onto the road towards the office, she turns left instead, and heads in completely the opposite direction.

She parks outside the local police precinct half an hour later and pulls her purse from the passenger seat. A uniformed cop whistles as she walks up the stairs and into the police station, but she easily ignores him.

The reception is busy, but it doesn’t take too long for the queue to dissipate. She steps up to the front desk after an old man is led into the back to take his statement.

“How can I help you ma’am?” An eager young office asks.

“I’m looking for a friend of mine.”

“Has he or she been missing for more than twenty four hours? We can’t start a search until then.”

“No,” she shakes her head, “No-one’s missing. I...”

“If your friend isn’t missing, then what can I help you with ma’am?”

Sandy doesn’t have the patience for fresh out of the academy cops trying to be too helpful “I’m looking for Tom Welling; he’s a friend.”

“Aaah, well why didn’t you _say_ so!” Sandy rolls her eyes.  “He should be at his desk back there,” he jerks his head back. 

“Thanks,” she leaves the front desk and makes her way up the small staircase to the precinct’s bull pen. Her eyes land on the tall dark haired man sitting at the back of the large room, laughing with a bald-headed man. He looks up and smiles widely as she approaches.

“Sandy!” He stands and envelops her in a hug, completely surrounding her with his long arms. “What are you doing here?” He asks, letting her go. 

“Here to see you of course,” she replies. Tom’s been an on again, off again acquaintance of Sandy’s for a couple of years. Any time they’re both single, they find themselves drinking together. The drinking always leads to other things, and they usually last a month or two together, before real life gets in the way.

He raises a suspicious eyebrow. It’s not like her to visit him at work. He pulls back a spare chair for her to sit down. “Business or pleasure?”

“I need a favour.”

Tom sucks in a breath and eyes her warily, “Am I gonna like this?”

“I’m worried about this friend of mine. He’s got this man staying with him, and something just doesn’t feel right.”

Tom’s eyebrows furrow, “Is this guy violent?”

Sandy shakes her head, “I don’t think so, but I just don’t trust him.” She picks up a pencil off Tom’s desk and plays with it. “My friend? He’s wealthy, and I’m just worried this guy is only after his money.”

“Let me guess,” Tom clasps his hands together and crosses his legs, “You want me to run a background check on him?”

“Can you?”

He draws out a long sigh, “I shouldn’t...” he tilts his head to one side and studies Sandy. “Just don’t tell anyone,” he says a moment later. Sandy smiles. “What’s this guy’s name?” He asks, moving his hands over to his keyboard to type the name into the police archive’s search engine.

“Jensen, Jensen Ackles” Tom’s hands pause over the keys and then slowly draw away. “Something wrong?”

Tom turns to Sandy, “I don’t need to run a background check. I know who Ackles is.”

************

“Twice in one day Sandy?” Jared frowns at the sight of Sandy standing on his doorstep, less than two hours after her last visit.

This time she doesn’t wait to be invited into the house. “We need to talk,” she says as she pushes past Jared and steps inside, out of the sun.

Jared shuts the door and follows her into the kitchen. “What’s this about Sandy?”

“Where’s Jensen?” Sandy ignores Jared’s question.

“What?”

“Jensen, where is he?”

Jared’s confused, but answers anyway, “Upstairs in his room, why?”

“I went to ~~go~~ see Tom.”

“Tom Welling? _Detective_ Tom Welling?”

Sandy nods, “I asked him to run a background check on your _housemate._ ”

“You did what?” Jared glares at Sandy, only just holding in the anger he feels. He can’t believe Sandy invaded Jensen’s privacy like that.

“There’s something you should know Jared...about Jensen,” Sandy continues.

“Sand...”

“He’s a prostitute Jared! You’re living with a hooker!”

“I know!” Jared snaps. Sandy’s mouth slams shut and her eyes widen in surprise. Jared has never raised his voice to her before. And then the realisation of what Jared’s said hits her. Jared counts to ten, “I know, okay?”

“How?” Sandy asks quietly.

Jared sighs. He knows this is the moment he has to explain all to Sandy, come out to her. He just wishes it could’ve been on his own terms, and not because he’s been backed into a corner. He wishes he could predict Sandy’s reaction. Once upon a time, he probably could’ve predicted it accurately, but they’ve been drifting apart ever since Jensen came to live with him, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He takes in a steadying breath, knowing that, for their friendship, this is kill or cure.

“I’m gay Sandy.”

There’s a pregnant pause as neither say anything. Jared just waits, frozen in suspense for Sandy’s reaction. A hundred thoughts and questions run through Sandy’s mind as she digests Jared’s declaration. She could never have predicted what Jared’s told her, not in a million years. He’s often been seen out with a variety of women, always flirted with every female he’s met, and never once has she seen him look twice at a man.

“You’re....”

Jared nods, “Gay.”

“Since when?”

Jared shrugs. It’s not like there was a light bulb moment, one moment he was straight, and the next he was gay. He just remembers always preferring the feel of a man against him, appreciated the sight of muscle and a strong jaw line. “A long time,” he says with an easy sigh. He can’t help but smile. All this time he’s been keeping his sexuality to himself, and getting stressed over anyone finding out, and now that Sandy knows, he doesn’t feel panicked, he feels relieved. He doesn’t care what Sandy’s reaction will be, all he cares about is that he came out to someone, and the world didn’t end.

“What are you smiling for?” She asks him, and he shakes his head.

“Nothing.”

“So....you’re gay.”

“Yeah....are you okay with that?”

“I guess.” She shrugs, “I think I’m gonna need some time for it to sink in properly,” Jared nods in understanding “And Jensen? Where does he fit into all this?”

Jared swallows hard. Admitting you’re gay is one thing, admitting you paid for sex on a regular basis is another thing. “I... _used_ Jensen.”

“Used?”

“To get what I needed Sandy....sex.”

“Oh,” Her eyes widen. “I think I need a drink,” Jared crosses the kitchen and pulls a beer out of the fridge. He uncaps it and hands it over. He watches in amazement as she gulps down half the bottle on one go. “How long?” She croaks out as she swallows the alcohol down.

“How long what?”

“You and Jensen?”

“Nearly two years.”

“ _Two years?_ ” She repeats incredulously, her voice raised. She doesn’t know how she could be so blind as to not know that her boss, and close friend, has been seeing a male prostitute for nearly two years. “And now he’s _living_ with you?” She shakes her head, “Like some kind of live-in whore? You get a discount if you take one home?” She adds, too hurt from being lied to for so long, and too confused at Jared’s living arrangements, to care about being tactful.

“No!” Jared shuts her down quick, “It’s not like that!”

“Then what _is_ it like Jared? You’re living with your hooker!” Jared opens his mouth to explain about Jensen’s illness and his medical bills, but Sandy beats him to it. “Do you know what this will do to you when people find out? You’ll be ruined!”

“He’s not...”

Sandy interrupts him, too caught up in her tirade to listen to Jared’s explanations, “Why would you give all this up for a few extra fucks Jared? I thought you were smarter than that!”

“It’s not about that!” Jared shouts, matching Sandy’s volume.

“Then what is it about Jared? Cos all I see is you throwing away everything you’ve ever built for a piece of ass! And if that’s the case, I want nothing to do with it!” She slams the bottle down on the work surface and storms out of the kitchen. Jared doesn’t follow her, and he flinches when he hears the front door slam hard. His eyes drift upwards, and he hopes Jensen’s heard nothing. Jensen’s come so far, and the last thing he needs is overhearing their argument about him.

**********

Jensen hears the front door being opened from all the way up in his bedroom. He’d gotten bored watching TV, and decided to go flick through some magazines in his bedroom. It’s unusual to get one visitor at the house, let alone two in one day though, and his curiosity gets the better of him. He steps out into the hallway and peers down the staircase. He watches Sandy cross the hallway and enter the kitchen, Jared not far behind her. He was surprised to see Sandy on the doorstep two hours ago. He didn’t know much about the petite woman, only from things Jared had mentioned in conversation. She’s Jared’s assistant, is damn good at her job, unmarried, and her innocent face hides a no bullshit attitude.

They start talking in the kitchen and Jensen struggles to hear anything. He slips down the stairs, avoiding the creaky steps, and presses his back against the wall just outside the kitchen. He knows he shouldn’t really be listening in to Jared’s private conversation, but Jensen can’t help himself. After Sandy’s quick departure earlier he wants to know why she’s returned.

_“He’s a prostitute Jared! You’re living with a hooker!”_

_“I know!”_  Jensen stops breathing, and his heart beats faster as he realises what they’re talking about, _who_ they’re talking about, _“I know, okay?”_  He knew Jared’s extra-curricular activities were a secret, even to Sandy, and that he’s not prepared for anyone to know about who he is. Sandy’s obviously gone digging into his own background. After everything he’s allowed men and women to do to him, he never feels more violated than when people go digging into his personal life without asking.

 _“I’m gay Sandy,”_ Jensen doesn’t remember ever coming out to anyone. He didn’t exactly have anyone to come out to. He wasn’t asked either way when he _fell_ into the hooker business, it was just expected that he took both male and female clients, and he soon found himself preferring men over women.

 _“And Jensen? Where does he fit into all this?”_ Jensen’s ears prick up again at the sound of his name. He tries to calm his breathing as he listens in.

_“I...used Jensen.”_

_“Used?”_ Sandy repeats the word that’s suddenly echoing in his mind. _Used._ Like a piece of cutlery, that’s all he ever was to Jared. Something to scratch his itch. This time last year he would have agreed with Jared. He knew what he was used for, and never saw himself as anything else. Now so much has changed, or at least he’d thought it had. 

_“Do you know what this will do to you when people find out? You’ll be ruined!”_ Jensen remembers telling Jared the same exact thing after his surgery.

_“He’s not...”_

_“Why would you give all this up for a few extra fucks Jared? I thought you were smarter than that!”_

Jensen doesn’t want to listen to anymore. He jogs back up the stairs and falls into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Moments later, he hears the front door slam, and he knows Sandy’s gone. It’s all been a pretty big wake up call for Jensen. He swore to himself when he first moved in that he was going to keep his distance, and not get attached. Now here he is, four months later, with feelings for Jared he doesn’t want to admit to, _can’t_ admit to, and finding himself wanting more than a chaste late night kiss on the couch. He’s never felt like this about anyone, but all Jared sees in return is an ex-hooker he _used_ for sex. One that he’s risking everything for.

Jensen has to put an end to it before someone other than Sandy finds out about them. Someone who will blab and make things complicated for Jared. He can’t let Jared sacrifice everything for him; he’s not worth losing everything for. He can’t stay, not any more. Jared can tell Sandy on Monday there’s nothing to worry about, and he can just go back to work like nothing happened.

Jensen doesn’t know where he’ll go, but he’s still got a couple of hundred dollars left in his account. He should be able to find a cheap motel room to stay in until he runs out of money. Maybe he’ll suck the motel manager’s dick in return for a couple of extra nights free of charge.

He starts packing his meagre belongings back up into the bags they came from, keeping his door locked so Jared can’t burst in without knocking first. He doesn’t want Jared to try to stop him, and he doesn’t want to know how it’ll make him feel if Jared doesn’t try to stop him.

He tries to act normally during dinner, but Jared obviously still has too much on his mind from his fight with Sandy to notice Jensen acting distantly. They eat dinner in silence, the occasional scrape of fork against plate the only sound breaking it.

Jared’s fast asleep in his bedroom when Jensen orders a cab. He gets it to park at the end of the drive, so it doesn’t wake Jared up. He gathers up his bags, drops them down by the front door, and pulls out a scrap piece of paper. He spent an hour trying to work out what to write on it, to let Jared know he wasn’t coming back, but anything he wrote sounded either too clichéd, or too over dramatic. He leaves the note on the coffee table, where he knows Jared will find it in the morning. He doesn’t look back at the large house and the luxuries he’s about to give up as he picks his bags up, opens the door, and closes it behind him with a soft click. He lets out a regretful sigh, and walks towards cab with its engine running, waiting just down the road.

 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

 

 

 

Jared curses like a sailor when his alarm goes off at six am. He swears that he turned it off before he went to sleep the night before. He’s never been able to just turn it off and go back to sleep, so as soon as the alarm is silenced, he’s up and making his way to the en suite for a shower. He has no plans to go into the office today, preferring to spend the day with Jensen, so he takes a long shower, and dresses in a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt, leaving his feet bare. It’ll be hours before Jensen wakes up and wants breakfast, so he heads to his office to try and get through a little work. He’s been working on a new project whenever he gets a few spare hours during the time he’s home looking after Jensen, and he’s happy to get a couple hours work in before Jensen distracts him.  He’s kind of proud of the project, and he hopes Jensen will be too, but he doesn’t want to jinx it by saying too much, too soon.

He’s always been able to completely lose himself in his work, and the hours fly by. He only stops when his need for coffee gets too strong. He pushes his leather chair back away from the desk and pads across the hallway to the kitchen. The coffee machine looks like something from a futuristic spaceship, and it took him months to work out what all the buttons do. He’s always had a taste for expensive coffee, whereas Jensen’ll drink anything, as long as it’s strong and black.

He sticks a cup on the tray and presses the right buttons, listening to the buzzing as the machine comes to life and makes him his drink. He sets it up for the black coffee Jensen will want when he wakes, knowing Jensen hates the hundreds of buttons on the front, and never manages to get what he wants from the machine, not unless Jared sets it up for him. He starts getting out the ingredients for pancakes as the machine percolates away in the background. The only thing he can cook is pancakes, and Jensen has become a fan of them since moving in. As soon as Jensen makes an appearance, he can whisk some up for him.

He takes the steaming mug into the living room and drops down onto the couch. He lifts his feet up and stretches along the length of the cushions. Once he’s comfortable, he takes a sip of the milky coffee and then stretches over to put it down on the coffee table. His hand freezes in mid air as he spots a letter addressed to him lying on the table. He presses his fingers to the paper and slides it across the glass. It flutters slightly as he lifts it up so that he can read the scribbled handwriting. 

_Jared,_

_I know I’m a coward for telling you like this, but you would have tried to make me stay. It was time for me to leave. I got too comfortable here, and the longer I stayed, the less likely it was that I could stay your secret. You don’t have to worry about it anymore. I wish I could repay you for everything you’ve done for me,_

_Jensen_

Jared reads through the letter three times before jumping off the couch and running up the stairs. He doesn’t bother to knock before opening Jensen’s door and stepping inside. The room looks exactly how it had before Jensen had moved in. The bed has been made, the wardrobe is bare. Even the waste paper basket has been emptied.

“Fuck,” he says as the panic rises. Jensen had given no indication the night before that he was planning to leave; there had been nothing at all. He racks his brain for any clues he might’ve missed, but he’s at a loss. He doesn’t know why Jensen would just run like that. They had been getting along, better than ever, and Jensen had seemed in good spirits. Jared still can’t get that kiss out of his mind.

He doesn’t know when, or how, it happened, but somewhere between the beanie hat, and finding Jensen on the bathroom floor, Jared had fallen for Jensen, and fallen hard.

It was only when he’d been sat by Jensen’s hospital bed that it’d hit him. He’d hoped that the kiss they’d shared would have eventually evolved into more, and he’d been bitterly disappointed when Jensen treated it like nothing had happened between them the following morning. It had been so difficult, struggling between his urge to pull Jensen to him and kiss him hard, and the knowledge that doing so would only push Jensen away further. He doesn’t want to think that his only chance to tell Jensen how he feels could be lost.

It takes him a while to figure it out, but he eventually realises there can only one reason behind Jensen leaving. There had been no sign of Jensen after his fight with Sandy, and he’d foolishly assumed Jensen hadn’t heard their argument, but now he’s not so sure. He can remember exactly what Sandy had shouted, and he winces as he puts himself in Jensen’s shoes.

He leaves the bedroom and enters his own room. His cell is sitting on the night stand, right where he left it, and he presses speed dial #3. It’s still early by most people’s standards, but he knows he’ll get an answer.

“This is Morgan,” the gruff voice of his head of security answers.

“Jeff, it’s me,” Jared had first met Jeff when he was starting out, just beginning to build his company, and he’d needed someone he could trust in charge of security. Jeff’s team deals with everything, from his safety at business conferences, to the security systems at all his properties, including his home, and coordinates the security team at his head offices. Jared has always believed in hiring the best, and Jeff is certainly the best in the business. As an ex-cop, he has contacts and access to equipment that very few others have access to. He knows how criminals’ minds’ work, and makes sure that everyone, from himself, to his employees and customers, are safe at all times.

“What’s wrong?” Jeff has a sixth sense for trouble, but even Chad wouldn’t have been able to miss the worry in Jared’s voice.

“I need you to do me a favour.”

“Anything, you know that,” The tension in Jared’s shoulders uncoils as Jeff says yes without question. Jeff’s always been there for Jared when he needs him, and now is no exception. He knows Jeff’ll be able to find Jensen, wherever he’s hiding.

“I need you to find someone for me,” It’s still a huge risk calling Jeff, Jared knows that. If Jeff isn’t covert enough, people are going to start asking why Jared’s head of security is out searching for a prostitute. It’s a risk Jared’s willing to take. He’d stopped caring what other people thought the minute Sandy left. He’d found that, even after everything she’d said to him, Jensen was more important to him than anything, or anybody, else.

“Give me a name, and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Jensen,” Jared breathes, “Jensen Ackles.”

***********

Jeff Morgan recognises the name as soon as Jared speaks it. He’d called in a favour and had talked to a few cops he used to work with about Jensen after he noticed he’d started regularly showing up at one of Jared’s hotels, at the exact same time Jared was there. It hadn’t taken a genius to put two and two together.

Keeping his boss safe includes keeping his secrets, and he isn’t about to call the press and out Jared, especially when he likes his job. He doesn’t care what Jared gets up to in his own time. All Jeff cares about is keeping Jared safe.  The prostitute hasn’t been anywhere near the hotels in months, and Jeff assumed that the arrangement was over. He was a little surprised, therefore, to find Jared on the other end of the phone, asking him to find Jensen.

~~*~~

Jeff puts out some feelers straight after he gets off the phone with Jared. He’s expecting it to take some time, but it’s surprisingly easy to find Jensen. He has to be living somewhere, so that’s where he starts. His last known address, which is a complete dive, draws a blank, as does the penthouse apartment he’d lived in when he was ‘meeting’ Jared.

He’s starting to think it might take longer that he’d expected to find Jensen; but Jeff calls around the local hotels and motels next, and eventually finds Jensen holed up in the Singer Motel across town. It’s not the safest part of town, and he knows criminals use the motel for ‘business meetings’, and hookers use it to take their johns for a quickie. Jeff suspects that, given his last address, it’s all Jensen can afford, which tells Jeff he hasn’t been working recently, or for quite a while, probably not since he last saw Jared at the hotel. Jensen’s either not tried to hide himself very well, or he doesn’t know how to. Either way, Jeff is suspicious.

He doesn’t call Jared with the address; instead, he climbs into his truck and makes his way across town himself. Jared hadn’t just sounded interested in Jensen’s whereabouts, he’d sounded more worried for the prostitute, almost as if he’d gone missing recently, not four months ago. He wants to know why Jensen is so important to Jared, wants to see who Jared’s risking his career for. It’s his job to protect Jared and his company, after all.

He parks near the motel office, and makes sure to lock his car before striding across the cracked concrete. A bell rings above the door as he enters, and he’s immediately assaulted with the smell of greasy takeout food and old musty carpet. There’s an empty reception desk in front of him, and an open door, leading to a small office, behind it. He clears his throat loudly, hoping to be heard over the sound of the TV that’s on in the office. He steps up to the counter when he gets no reply and raps on the wood with his fist.

“Hey!”

The TV is finally muted, and a middle aged man appears, wearing jeans and a faded grey t-shirt with ketchup stains down it. “Yeah?”

“I need to know which room Jensen Ackles is in.” He pulls some bills out of his pocket and slides the money across the desk.

The man draws out a long sigh, as if Jeff’s request is a huge inconvenience, and opens a log book. A finger trails down the list and stops halfway down. He taps the page and looks up at Jeff, “Five,” he grunts, “Just don’t get blood on the carpet.”

Jeff ignores the man’s request. He’s not here to beat Jensen up; he’s just come to talk. He leaves without another word, and takes a deep breath of fresh air as soon as he steps out of the office. He finds room five at the end of the building, the number painted on the wooden door with green paint. He makes a fist and bangs hard on the door, the flimsy wood shaking.

“Who is it?”  A male voice asks from the other side.

“Just open the damn door!” Jeff shouts back gruffly. There’s some shuffling before the door is opened a crack. Jeff can barely see the other man in the darkened room, and he narrows his eyes.

“Who are you?”

“Name’s Jeff, your name’s Jensen,” Jeff gets the introductions out of the way quickly.

“I’m not interested,” Jensen tells him sharply, and Jeff frowns.

“What?”

“Whatever it is you’re selling to me, whatever it is you want from me, I’m _not_ interested.”

“You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”

“I have a pretty good idea.”

“You gonna let me in?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Wow, you’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”

“What do you want?”

“To _talk,”_ Jeff holds out his hands to try and prove to Jensen that talking is all he’s after. Jensen opens the door a little more, but doesn’t invite Jeff in.

“About?” Jensen asks suspiciously.

“Jared Padalecki,” The change in expression on Jensen’s face tells Jeff all he needs.

The flicker of recognition turns to anger, and Jensen glares, “Did _he_ send you?”

“I’m his head of security,” Jeff explains, “He asked me to look for you; he’s worried.”

“Well, tell him I’m _fine_ , and I don’t want anything to do with him.”

Jeff tilts his head to one side and studies Jensen. Jensen looks like he’s at the end of his tether. Jeff can tell, that, underneath the beanie hat, he’s bald, and he look like a man who has no reserves left, like leaving Jared’s house took the last of his strength. He blinks slowly, as if the minute action takes a lot of work. He hears Jensen’s words, but he’s always been a pretty good human lie detector. “Is that so?”

Jensen nods, “You can tell Jared to stay the hell away from me, and that if he comes anywhere near me, I’ll call the press and tell them everything. He can’t need sex that badly that he’s willing to throw everything away. I’m not for sale anymore.”

Jeff doesn’t need to know what _everything_ is; he has a pretty good idea. He’s also pretty sure now that Jensen’s threats mean nothing. He just wants to push Jared away, probably to protect him, and right now, Jeff’s happy to let him. “Okay okay,” he holds his hands up in surrender, “I’m leaving...just.” He pulls out his wallet from his back pocket and pulls a business card from inside. He offers it to Jensen. “Take this.”

“What is it?”

“My number, you need anything, _anything_ at all, you call. Okay?” Jeff doesn’t think Jensen will, but he hands the card over anyway.  He shoves his wallet back in his pocket, “Stay safe,” he adds, before turning and making his way back to his truck. He hears the door slam behind him, and hopes Jensen will stay out of trouble, for Jared’s sake at least.

With a quick call he finds Jared at his office, obviously needing the distraction of work. Sandy waves him into the office without a word, and he steps into the office without one for her either.

Jared is sitting behind his desk, his eyes trained on his laptop, and Jeff has to clear his throat. Jared’s eyes flick up, “Did you find him?”

 “Yeah, I did.”

“Well?”

Jeff shakes his head, “It’s best that you don’t know.”

“Jeff...”

“No Jared,” Jeff takes a step forward. He’s never been one to back down, even to the man that pays him. “You go in there now, he’s gonna call the press.”

Jared frowns. The letter Jensen had left him hadn’t sounded like he had any animosity towards Jared, or that he wanted nothing to do with Jared. He has to wonder just what’s going on with Jensen. “He said that?”

Jeff nods, “In so many words.”

Jared sighs and leans back in his chair. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Jeff slides into a chair and crosses his legs, “Wanna give me the whole story now?”

Jared sighs again as he gives him a play by play of the last four months, not leaving out any detail. He trusts Jeff enough to know that he’s not going to spill the beans to the press.

“Huh,” Jeff says, when Jared finishes his story. “You’ve really made a mess of this one.”

“You think?”

Jeff nods. “I think it’s about time you took control of this, before someone else takes control for you,” he suggests. He clasps his hands together and stares at Jared through thick furrowed eyebrows.

“What do you suggest?”

“Come out of the closet.”

Jared chokes on the suggestion. There are only three people in the world that now know he’s gay, and that’s two people more than he’s comfortable with. “How the fuck will that help me?”

“Jensen’s not pissed at you Jared. At least, I’m pretty sure he’s not. He’s pushing you away on purpose. I think he’s trying to protect you; he doesn’t want your career to go up in flames, and have you blame him because of it. He ran to protect you...to protect himself.” Jeff explains, “Take the closet out of the equation, and then maybe he’ll come to you. You have to let him come to you Jared, or he’ll just keep running.”

“I do that, and I could lose everything.”

“Is he worth it?”

Jared says nothing for a long time, his eyes trained on his laptop. Last year his business was number one on his list of priorities, nothing was more important. Now he’s found something, _someone,_ that means so much more, and there’s a calmness that falls over him as he answers Jeff’s question. He nods slowly “Yeah, he is.”

“Then do it, hold a press conference. Tell the truth, who cares what people think?” Jeff grips the chair arms and pushes himself up to his feet “This company isn’t going to suffer because of your sexual orientation Jared...your staff are loyal, hell they _love_ you! There’ll be people that will have a problem with you being gay, but you don’t need their negativity, their attitude, anywhere near your company. You’re gonna deal with the people that don’t care, and ignore the people that do.”

“In Texas, there are a lot of people that do,” Jared reminds his head of security.

“You’ll find a way,” Jeff encourages his boss.

Jared falls silent for a long time, and Jeff can see the cogs working in Jared’s brain turning a mile a minute. He nods slowly and looks up, “Thanks Jeff...I mean it,” Jared tells the older man sincerely as he turns and leaves the room. Jeff nods in reply, giving Jared a comforting smile, before closing the door behind him.

He’s glad his schedule is clear. He’s not sure he could handle any meetings today, not when he’s so distracted. He’s relieved to know Jensen’s safe and isn’t angry at him. He just wishes he hadn’t felt that he had to leave in the first place. He only came into the office today because it was so quiet at home without Jensen around. He’s not sure how he’s going to manage now without him. He’d gotten used to Jensen living with him, making him dinner and playing video games with him. It wasn’t always easy between them, but just having another person around had made Jared feel less alone.  

His eyes fall back to his laptop, and the same plans he had been working on that morning, before he’d found out that Jensen had run. He’d brought them to distract him, but so far it hasn’t worked. The whole project has lost some of its shine, now that he can’t share it with Jensen. Slowly, an idea starts forming in his mind as he stares at the virtual blueprints, and his frown gradually falls from his face as it takes shape.

“Sandy! He shouts, ignoring the intercom.

She enters the room a moment later, her eyes unable to focus on Jared’s. They haven’t talked about the fight, and Jared doesn’t think they ever will. They’ll go on like nothing has happened, both hoping that time alone will clear the air between them. “What can I get for you?” She asks over-politely, a pencil and pad at the ready.

“Get the ball rolling on the Garrison Road project,” he orders, “Tell Bill I need the construction team to be finished in no later than six months, and that they’ll all be given bonuses if they stick to the schedule.” Sandy scribbles as Jared speaks. “I want to set up a press conference for a month from today to announce the project,” _and one other thing_ his mind adds “Get some of my biggest investors on the phone, I want to get as much money out of them as possible,” he finishes with a wide grin.

**************

Jared throws himself into his new project, only going back to the empty house to sleep, and then not for long. To get everything finished on his tight schedule means hundreds of meetings with the construction team and his design people, as well as investors. He also can’t just ignore his other busineses, and needs to keep up to speed with them.

He finds himself back on a takeout diet, eating out of cartons in his office, and he makes sure Sandy brings him regular cups of coffee as he goes through mountains of paperwork. 

Jared’s exhausted by the morning of the press conference. He’d barely slept the night before, his mind on over drive, going over every _what if_ of his coming out, over and over again, until his head hurt. He’d gone down to his basement gym to try and distract himself, but all that did was make him more tired. His limbs ache as he stands in the site office of his new project. The flimsy shack absorbs the sun’s heat, and Jared sweats and waits. The press is waiting outside the scaffolding covered warehouse, and Sandy’s still trying to get him to change into a fresh shirt.

“Jared please,” she implores, holding up a shirt and tie.

Jared looks down at the shirt he’s wearing. He’s been wearing it since six am, and it’s rumpled and sweat stained. He’s rolled the sleeves up and unbuttoned the top button. “What?”

“You _can’t_ go out there looking like that.”

“Sandy, if I’m going to stand in front of a variety of local newspapers , then I’m going to do it comfortably...and caffeinated,” he adds, standing and making his way to the coffee maker. He pours some of the lukewarm liquid into a paper cup and gulps it down. “Is it time yet?”

Sandy looks at her watch, “Just about,” she answers, “You ready?” Jared had only told her what he was planning to do a week ago. She’d called him crazy a few times, and then thrown her hands up in the air, knowing she couldn’t stop him. He knows that, even though she thinks he’s nuts, she’ll support him anyway.

“No,” Jared answers honestly. “I haven’t even told my parents.”

“You probably should have done that first.”

Jared chuckles, though there’s little humour in the sound, “I was waiting until the last moment.”

Sandy looks around the empty room and then back at Jared, her eyebrow raised, “What in the hell do you call _this?”_

Jared grins, “How about I call after the press conference, and before the news hits the internet?” He suggests.

“It’s cutting it close.”

Jared shrugs, “I work better under pressure.”

There’s a knock on the door, and his VP’s assistant collects him for the press conference. Sandy steps towards him, lifts herself onto her tiptoes, and kisses him on the cheek, “Go get ‘em tiger.”

Jared nods, and follows the young employee out across the construction site to where the press are waiting. A podium has been set up for him to stand behind, and he stops and faces the crowd. The press are all dressed in similar dark suits, cameras and Dictaphones at the ready.

Jared takes in a deep breath and starts, “Good morning,” he smiles, “And welcome to the Jay Centre,” He gestures to the building behind him. “I know it doesn’t look like much now,” the crowd chuckles and Jared continues, “But in five months time, it’s going to look a lot different.

“A few months ago, I found myself taking in a man with cancer into my home. This man had used every last dollar he had to pay for his medical bills, and had nowhere to live as a result. He also had no one to look after him as he went through his chemotherapy treatment. I gave him a roof over his head, and became that person he needed for support.

“I soon realised that he wasn’t the only person struggling during illness.” He continues. “Not everyone has health insurance, not everyone has somewhere to live, someone to support them through everything. I also realised that this State has given me so much, its people have helped me build up my successful company, so it was about time I started to give back.

He takes a deep breath, “So I’m building the Jay Centre, for everyone needing that little extra help during a tough illness. From this building, and others like it eventually, we will be able to help hundreds. From everything like a little extra cash to pay some bills, to help in finding a place to live, or even just to provide a meal. There will be full time counsellors, to help people anyway they can through the difficult times they might be going through, as well as a team of people there twenty four hours a day making the load a little lighter for victims of illness and their families. ” Jared pauses and the crowd applauds. “I’ll be inviting you all back in five months for the opening,” he grins.

He takes another deep breath. This is it. There’s no going back now. “There’s one more thing I want to address before I finish,” he starts, his heart beat increasing and adrenaline rushing through his system. “I've been hiding an important part of me for a long time now. A part of me that I thought would damage my career, break down everything I've built up. But the man that I took in has helped me realise that there are more important things in life than money and reputation...because I fell in love with that man.”

Cameras start flashing, and he’s almost blinded by the brightness. “I’m not ashamed of my sexuality anymore, and I’m certainly not hiding it anymore. From now on my company will only be dealing with those who accept me, and everyone who works for me, for who we are,” Jared stops and awaits the many questions he knows are waiting for him. He’s finally ready to answer them, the weight of his secret nonexistent at last.

 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Sandy looks up at the small diner, and back down to the invitation in her hands. The Jay Centre was planning to open in just over a week, and there was one piece of unfinished business.  Jared might have been able to hide it well, but she knew he was missing Jensen. She knew that, whilst a huge part of Jared was building the centre for altruistic reasons, another part of him was doing it for Jensen. As the months passed, the hope that Jensen would call him following the press conference diminished, and Sandy had never seen Jared put so much time and effort into his work. He’s always got bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, and she could swear he’s lost weight.

Though they’ve never talked about it, she knows that Jensen leaving is mainly her fault. He overheard their fight and all the awful stuff she said, she just knows he did. Her only excuse is that she was suffering from shock at learning that one of her best friends was living with a prostitute. If she’d known the hurt she would cause Jared, the conversation would have gone a lot differently, especially once she’d found out exactly why Jensen was there.

She’s glad she’d managed to convince Jeff to keep track of Jensen.  Actually, he hadn’t needed much convincing at all, seeming to have his own reasons for wanting to keep an eye on the guy. Sandy isn’t sure why he still refuses to tell Jared where Jensen is, but Jared seems to accept it and trusts that Jeff knows what he’s doing.

As for Jensen, he’d come close to running out of funds, before he’d eventually managed to find himself a minimum wage job at a nearby diner. He’d started out wiping tables and washing dishes, but had quickly worked his way up to the position of waiter. It meant long hours, and his feet ache after hours rushing from table to table, but the rest of the staff are friendly and he gets to take home any leftover pie at the end of the day.

It’s late, but the diner is still open, with the lights illuminating the whole cafe. From the other side of the road, Sandy watches as Jensen passes dishes from the main counter to the booths. He smiles as a young couple enters and he walks easily over to them. He shows them to a table and takes their order.  He looks a lot healthier than the last time she saw him. There’s more colour in his cheeks, and he’s put on some muscle.

Sandy takes in a steadying breath before crossing the empty road. She’s not sure she should be doing this, but she has to try something. She pushes open the diner door and a bell rings above her. The diner is warm and makes her face flush. She’s hit instantly with the smell of pie and fries, and it makes her stomach growl. She sees herself to an empty booth and fiddles with the worn corner of a menu as she waits for Jensen.

“What can I...” Sandy looks up as Jensen’s voice fades away.

She smiles, “Hi,” she says softly.

“Hi,” Jensen returns. “What are you doing here?” He breathes.

“I came to see you...can you take a break? Sit with me for a moment?” She asks. “Please,” she adds, when she sees Jensen’s about to turn her down.

He sighs and slides into the booth opposite her, “Two minutes” He tells her firmly. “What do you want Sandy? Did Jared send you?”

She shakes her head, “He doesn’t know I’m here. Hell, he doesn’t know where _you_ are,” she slots the menu back in its holder and looks at Jensen, “Did you read the news after his press conference?”

Jensen swallows and nods, “Yeah, I did.” He still remembers the light feeling he’d felt when he’d read Jared’s declaration of love.

“He meant it Jensen. He’s been hoping you’d call him.”

Jensen sighs, “He always just wanted me for the sex Sandy.” There’s a look on Jensen’s face that tells her he wishes that wasn’t true though.

“No,” Sandy shakes her head. “If that were true, he wouldn’t have taken you into his home and skipped work to look after you. If all he wanted was sex, he could’ve gone out and hired another hooker Jensen. If he didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t have looked after you like he did.”

She purses her lips and slides the invitation across the table. “I know I screwed up and said some crappy things about you to Jared, and I’m sorry. But don’t blame Jared for the things I said. He loves you, I know he does...and I think you love him back,” A flicker of _something_ runs across Jensen’s face, and Sandy resists the urge to smile triumphantly. “The opening of the Jay Centre’s next week. He hasn’t said anything to me, but I know he wants you there.”

“I don’t know,” Jensen says, unconvinced.

“Please, just...take a chance on him, he deserves it...you deserve it,” Jensen finally picks up the small piece of white card and stares at it. Sandy slides out of the booth and stands over Jensen, “I won’t tell him I’ve given that to you. If you turn up, you turn up.” She shrugs, “If you don’t he’ll never know,” she tells him, before turning and leaving. Once she’s out into the cool evening air, she spins and watches Jensen through the window. She doesn’t know what he’s thinking as he stares down at the invitation in his hands, and she can only hope for the best as she makes her way towards her car.

*****************************************

Jared stares into the full length mirror at his attire. The tailored tuxedo and bowtie had cost him a small fortune, but had been completely worth it. The jacket fits like a glove and accentuates his firm build, and the trousers outline his long legs to perfection. He’s more anxious about the Jay Centre’s opening than his coming out press conference, and his parents’ somewhat shocked reaction. It had taken a while, but they were getting over it, and relations, while strained, were getting better.

The night is tinged with melancholy though. Jensen hasn’t been in touch, and Jared knows he’s had to have heard about his speech when they broke ground at the centre. He’d had plans for this centre, plans that had included Jensen, but now it seems that Jensen only ever really saw him as a client after all. Anything else was all Jared’s imagination. He’s trying not to let it spoil the night, but knowing Jensen slipped away so easily is weighing heavily on him.

He tries to focus again. He has to be on his game. All the Centre’s investors are going to be there tonight, and Jared knows they’ll all be willing to part with more money if they have a good time.

He’s been running around the centre all day setting, everything up for the evening opening, making sure nothing is likely to go wrong, until Sandy finally sent him home to get dressed. She stopped picking up the phone after he tried ringing every five minutes to make sure everything was still running smoothly.

He fiddles with his bowtie nervously, the more he messes with it, the wonkier it looks.

“ _Relax,_ ” Sandy says from behind him and he spins and smiles. Sandy’s leaning against his bedroom doorpost in a floor length navy gown, delicate beads sown into the strapless bodice. Her hair has been pulled up tightly, with two jewelled slides holding it in place.

“You look beautiful,” he tells her.

She pushes off the door and strides over to him, her dress catching the light as she goes. She reaches up and straightens out the bowtie without a word. “I’m not sure I pay you enough to afford a dress like that.”

She shrugs, “Maybe you should give me a raise.”

Jared grins and says nothing; he’d already put the paperwork in to give her a raise last month. She’s indispensable to him, and he’s willing to pay whatever it takes to keep her around. “Stick the receipt for that dress into the business expenses; I’ll make sure you get repaid for it.”

She smiles happily and kisses him on the cheek, “You’re so good to me.”

“Just make sure there’s always a glass of champagne in my hand tonight,” Jared replies, matching her smile.

“Deal.”

Jared’s smile fades, “Oh god, the glasses!” He panics, “Did you make sure there were enough champagne glasses?”

Sandy rolls her eyes, “There’s more than enough,” she reassures him, as she slides a slender arm through his and pulls him out of the room.

There’s a sleek chauffeured car waiting for them outside his house, and Jared opens the door for Sandy, helping her into the back before climbing in himself. They arrive at the centre fifteen minutes later, the outside of the building illuminated by bright lights and a banner over the door.  The guests aren’t expected to start arriving for another half an hour, and so Jared busies himself following his staff around and making sure they’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing. Sandy watches on with an amused smile on her face, her purse clutched in one hand and her arms folded across her chest.

The guests start arriving in expensive couture gowns and tuxedos, and Jared switches into host mode, making sure every one of them is plied with alcohol as soon as they set foot into the large, open plan reception room. There’s a jazz band set up on a stage at one side of the room, playing some of Jared’s favourite songs, and running down both sides of the room are two rows of tables covered in crisp white tablecloths and candles. The guests start filling up the space, setting their drinks down on the tables to dance or schmooze with the other guests. Waiters in smart white shirts and ties carry trays of drinks and canapés through the crowd.

Jared greets as many people as possible, smiles and jokes with them, trying not to think about Jensen yet again, even though he built this place _because_ of him. Whilst he wanted to build the centre to help people, it was Jensen’s situation that inspired him, and he wishes Jensen was here too enjoy the night with him.

As soon as the guests stop arriving, Jared pushes through the crowd and climbs up onto the stage. He motions to the band and they finish their song. The sudden silence stops all the talking, and everyone turns and faces the stage.

“Good evening, and thank you all for coming,” Jared begins, staring out into the crowd of Texas’ wealthiest. Celebrities, business men and women, and the odd reporter, standing out from the crowd in cheap rented tuxes. “It’s because of all of you that this place is open. All your generous donations will go towards helping a lot of people going through a tough time in their lives. Every single one of us goes through something during our lives which sends us to our knees, whether it be death or illness, and there are a lot of people a lot less fortunate that us that struggle during those times.” Jared takes a breath, remembering Jensen on his knees in the bathroom, as he threw back anything and everything he’d eaten.

“They struggle with medical bills and household  bills, struggle with something as simple as getting to the hospital and back. They struggle with the strain of holding their families together, or holding themselves together through the stress and mental strain illness causes.” He remembers the fear he’d felt, arriving home and finding Jensen unconscious on the floor.

“The Jay Centre is there for _anything_ and everything people need during this time. It isn’t about stripping people of their dignity; it isn’t about looking down at people as charity cases. It is about support, a crutch to help people stand on their own two feet.” Jared’s eyes travel around the room as he speaks, taking in the attentive faces. His eyes fall on movement on the back of the room, and he falters for a moment as he recognises the man at the back of the room, staring back at him. It takes him a moment to get back on his train of thought.

“I’m hoping The Jay Centre becomes an important part of this community, and I have plans to open similar centres in other cities. Now...” Jared smiles, “The whole building is open, and I want everyone to take a tour of the place, drink more champagne, and enjoy this evening, because tomorrow morning this place will be transformed, the doors will be open to the public for the first time. Tonight, think about the hundreds of people your money will be helping, starting from tomorrow...thank you,”

The crowd applauds his speech, but Jared doesn’t notice, he’s already off the stage and pushing his way through the crowd. No one seems to notice, and the clapping soon fades away as the band starts up again. Jared zones out the sound of clinking glasses, high heels clacking against the polished wood floor and people talking.

He pushes past the final few people, stops suddenly and stares. Standing in the shadows at the very back of the room is Jensen, dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a black shirt. Jensen stares back at him expressionlessly, waiting for Jared to make the first move. Jared steps into the shadows beside Jensen and smiles. “Hey,” he says softly.

“Sandy gave me an invitation...I hope that’s okay, but I couldn’t afford to rent a tux, so I just...” Jensen waves his hands at his attire.

Jared doesn’t care about what Jensen’s wearing, “You have hair,” he blurts, focuses on the short scruffy hair, slightly shorter, but looking like it used to.

Jensen runs a self conscious hand through his hair and blushes slightly, “Yeah, I have hair.”

“How are you? The cancer?” Jared can’t believe he didn’t ask sooner. It had been hell not knowing how Jensen was holding up with the chemo.

“I had a scan last week. There’s no sign of it. I’m in remission...Of course I need to go back every six months for a while, but I’m as healthy as I can be.”

“Thank God,” Jared lets out a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding and sags slightly in relief. The noise of the crowded room is distracting, and Jared tugs Jensen forward “Come on, we need to talk properly, and I’d rather do it alone”

“Where are we going?” Jensen asks, looking slightly apprehensive, as Jared leads him across the room and up a flight of stairs.

Jared glances back at Jensen and grins “You’ll see,” he heads towards a pair of double doors on the second floor and opens them. The room is dark, and as Jensen steps in, Jared switches on the light. Jensen finds himself in a spacious office, with a wide desk sitting at the end, a pair of glass doors behind it, and a seating area on the other side. Jensen moves into the room and to the glass doors. He stops and stares at the view down into the main reception hall. The view down over the crowd is impressive and Jensen lets out a _wow_ under his breath. He turns and looks at Jared, standing in the middle of the room, smiling at him. “Whose office is this?”

“It belongs to the Jay Centre’s manager,” Jared answers, circling the desk and joining Jensen by the glass doors. “I was hoping to offer you the job, if you ever got in touch.”

Jensen’s head snaps to Jared’s, “What?”

“I want you to run this place Jensen.”

It’s the last thing Jensen’s expecting and he shakes his head, “Jared, I’m not...I can’t do this!”

Jared frowns, “Why not?”

“I have no qualifications! I have no experience running a place like this!”

“Jensen, you’ve undergone treatment for cancer, you’ve used every penny you had to pay your medical bills, you’ve struggled, and you’ve made it through to the other side...you have all the qualifications I care about,” Jared explains softly. He’d always known Jensen would be resistant at first. Jensen still looks unconvinced, “I've hired a pretty good second in command....has more business degrees than me, you’ll be in safe hands.” Jared takes a deep breath and continues, “I trust you with The Jay Centre Jensen...you know what these people have gone through, you know how to offer help to someone who has too much pride to ask for it. I want _you_ for the job,” Jared grins.

Jensen looks slightly overwhelmed, but at least he hasn’t turned tail and run. That has to be positive, right? “You said when you were a child you wanted to help people.”

Jensen swallows hard and nods.

“This is your chance Jensen, it’s not just a dream anymore.”

Jensen’s eyes flick up and meet Jared’s, “You’re not going to take no for an answer are you?”

 “No.” Jared replies with a wide smile.

“Will I be answering to you?” Jensen’s not sure anything could ever happen between them if he was working for Jared, and he’d come here in the hope that maybe, _finally_ , something could happen between them. Something more than just hooker and client. Jensen had been fighting it for so long, not wanting to believe Jared’s declaration, _needing_ not to believe his declaration, but it had gotten so hard, and his emotions had, for the first time he could remember, won over his mind.

Jared shakes his head, “Just see me as an investor. You’ll have complete control of how things are run here,” he smiles tenderly, just enjoying having Jensen so close again. He could stare at Jensen all day, “You can do it Jensen, I know you can.”

After a long moment Jensen nods, “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay,” Jensen says firmly.

“Was it the office that swayed you, or my charm?” Jared asks his cheeks hurting from grinning so much. Whatever happened, Jensen was back in his life.

“The office is pretty sweet,” Jensen teases. They both become quiet, and Jared stares out on the crowd below them, just enjoying being so close to Jensen, and not sure he dares bring up the herd of elephants in the room, not if he wants Jensen to stay.

“Jensen, I ...”

“Jared, I...”

They speak simultaneously, stop and laugh nervously.

“You go,” Jensen prods.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry you over heard me and Sandy arguing. I have to figure that’s why you left, and that it really hasn’t been the same at home without you.”

Jensen meets Jared’s eyes, “I’m sorry too...for leaving like that, for threatening to go to the press. I would never have done that to you.”

“I know,” Jared reassures Jensen with a smile.

“Did you mean it?” Jensen asks vaguely, looking afraid and uncertain, almost like he didn’t want to know the answer, and Jared frowns questioningly.

“Mean what?”

“At the press conference...about me.”

“You mean when I said I’d fallen in love with you? Yeah,” Jared answers honestly. 

There’s a heartbeat of silence, and Jared’s not sure what’s going to happen next. He’s still surprised by Jensen’s response. “Good,” Jensen nods.

“Good?” Jared repeats.

“I don’t know how it happened...but at some point, between you pressing a wet flannel on the back of my neck while I puked, and buying me a beanie hat....I think I fell for you too.” He smiles and reaches up to cup Jared’s cheek, him thumb strokes across the smooth skin softly. “You don’t know how hard it was to leave like that,” he continues.

“You overheard me and Sandy,” It’s not a question, but Jensen nods in affirmation. “You didn’t have to leave you know, we could have worked things out.”

“I don’t regret going Jared....I needed to leave, needed to learn to stand on my own two feet, earn money the hard way,” he explains. He sucks in a deep breath and lets it out shakily, “I've never felt this way about anyone Jared,” Jensen admits.

Jared can’t believe it. After everything they’ve both been through, and after months of thinking Jensen hated him, here they are, admitting that they have feelings for each other. Jared’s at a loss for words and does the only thing you can do when you’re standing in front of the man you love and are speechless.

He surges forward and presses his lips hard against Jensen’s. Jensen stands frozen in shock at the unexpected kiss, but soon relaxes against Jared. The kiss heats up as Jensen loops his arms around Jared’s neck and pulls him in tighter, moaning at the heat and firm muscle pressed against him. The kiss is nothing like the chaste kiss they’d shared on the couch, this one is deep and wet, and Jared hardens as Jensen’s tongue pushes into his mouth. They pull away reluctantly, the need for air taking precedence.

“Have I told you how hot you look in that tux?” Jensen asks, once he has his breath back.

Jared chuckles “No, but please feel free to tell me anyway,” he presses his hands to Jensen’s sides and slides them up until he can feel Jensen’s ribs. He manhandles the older man until his back is pressed into the edge of the desk, then presses himself against Jensen, rejoining their lips.

“Hmph,” Jensen sounds against Jared’s lips, and pushes Jared back.

“What?” Jared frowns.

“This damn desk,” Jensen looks down at the sleek glass desk. The edge had been digging into his back painfully. “This desk is going to be the first thing to go.”

Jared laughs, “Good thing this office has a couch then,” he grabs a handful of Jensen’s shirt and walks backwards towards the couch. He drops down onto the leather and Jensen quickly climbs onto Jared’s lap, his legs on either side of Jared’s thighs, and his arms slung over Jared’s shoulders. Jared slides his arms around Jensen’s waist and pulls him in tightly. Now that he has Jensen, he doesn’t plan to let him go. 

“Jared,” Jensen begins before Jared can take things further. While he’s enjoying the kissing, he really thinks they should talk some more.

“What?”

“I...” Jensen’s never had this conversation before, and he doesn’t know where to start “I've never...the longest relationship I've had was like two weeks, and that was years ago. I don’t really know how to do... _this._ ”

“Jensen, I've been in the closet for most of my life, I haven’t exactly had a relationship either,” Jared replies, rubbing his hands up and down Jensen’s back as he speaks.

“I’m good at the sex bit.”

“Trust me, I know,” Jared leers. 

“What I mean is....I might freak out,” Jensen admits, unable to look Jared in the eye.

“We’ll take it slow okay?” He reassures Jensen. Jensen might not realise it, but they’ve already had a relationship. All those weeks spent at Jared’s house had laid down foundations, and Jared was convinced they could build on them.

Jensen raises an eyebrow, “But not too slowly right? Cos I've got a hard on for the first time in a _year,_ ” he pushes the point home with a thrust that has Jared groaning. He drops his head back and his eyes shut involuntarily. “Did you lock the door?” Jared nods dumbly.

 “Good,” Jensen reaches between them and unbuttons Jared’s trousers. He pulls the fly down, slides off Jared’s lap, and pulls the trousers and boxers down to Jared’s ankles. Jared watches with dark, lust filled eyes as Jensen kicks off his shoes and removes his jeans and boxers. Jensen returns his gaze as he climbs back onto Jared’s lap, pressing his forehead against Jared’s as their erections brush against each other.

“You want this?” Jared breathes.

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and places it around his erection as if to say _this is all the evidence you need,_ “Yeah...I want this.” Jared smiles at Jensen’s answer, and tightens his grip around Jensen’s cock. Jensen groans at his touch and drops his head to Jared’s shoulder. “Fuck yeah” He thrusts up into Jared’s grasp again and again, gasping every time Jared swipes his thumb over the head of his cock, spreading pre-come. He reaches between them and wraps a hot hand around Jared’s cock. Jared falters as Jensen starts pumping his cock with quick sharp movements. Jensen’s free hand rests on the back of Jared’s neck, his fingers slipping underneath Jared’s shirt, and his short nails pressing into Jared’s sweat slick skin. 

The heat is overwhelming between them, and every touch sends sparks up Jared’s spine, but it’s going too fast. He’s going to come any second and he wants to make it last. He takes his hand away from Jensen and stills Jensen’s hand. Jensen lifts his head from Jared’s shoulder, and looks at him questioningly. Without any words, Jared takes both their cocks in a large hand and slowly starts stroking up and down. Jensen’s eyes widen and his jaw drops at the feeling of the silky smooth skin rubbing against each other, and Jared’s rough hand surrounding their cocks, adding a perfect mix of pleasure and pain.

Jared slides his other hand from Jensen’s thigh around to his back. He pushes a finger down between Jensen’s cheeks, and Jensen’s breath quickens as Jared’s finger circles his hole teasingly. “God...fuck...yes.... _please,”_ Jensen begs, and as Jared presses a dry finger into Jensen, he comes hard in Jared’s grasp. Jared groans as Jensen’s come slicks their cocks, and strokes once, twice, before coming himself, biting his lip and scrunching his eyes shut. After catching his breath, Jared lets go of Jensen, and he sags against Jared, boneless and breathless.

Moments later, Jensen lifts his head and stares at Jared. He lifts both hands and runs them through Jared’s mussed hair. With his hands framing Jared’s head, he pulls his head forward and presses their lips together. The kiss is deep and lazy, all lips and tongue.

“That’ll be a thousand bucks,” Jensen tells Jared deadpan.

“Huh?” Jared’s eyebrows rise into his hairline and he tenses up.

A grin slowly forms across Jensen’s face and he chuckles, “You’re so easy.”

Jared tries to glare at Jensen, but he just can’t be angry at him. “And _you’re_ evil.”

“There’s a sudden knock at the door, and Jensen and Jared look at each other with similar panicked expressions. They’re about to be caught with their literal pants down.

“Jared?” Sandy’s voice calls through the door, and Jared relaxes. “Sorry for interrupting, but a lot of people are wondering where you are.”

Jared sighs, “Back to the party I guess,” he murmurs. “Got to introduce you to some people anyway.”

“Really?” Jensen grimaces. Jared can sense the real fear behind the question.

He pokes Jensen, “Yes,” he tells him. “We’ll be out in a minute!” He shouts in the direction of the door. Jensen climbs off Jared’s lap, wincing at the sticky mess on both of them. Jared points to a door on the other side of the room, “Bathroom.” Jensen picks up his jeans and pads over to the small bathroom, Jared following him, waddling with his trousers around his ankles. They clean up as best they can and exit the office, shutting the light off behind them.

“You kiss and make up?” Sandy asks with a smirk, and Jared and Jensen avoid her gaze, their faces’ flushed. “Come on, better get downstairs before they send out a search party,” Sandy starts for the stairs. Jared tries to follow, but Jensen grabs his arm and pulls him back.

“You there’s a chance I might have slept with some of those people down there,” Jensen warns Jared.

Jared slips his hand into Jensen’s and squeezes, “What you used to do? That’s just history now, okay?”

Jensen swallows hard and nods, “Okay.” He’s pretty sure Jared’s being naive, but he’s willing to go along with him for now.

“And anyway,” Jared continues, “I’m the only one you’re allowed to sleep with now,” he says possessively.

“Promise?” Jensen asks quietly.

“Promise,” Jared repeats. With their hands clasped together, they descend the stairs and rejoin the party, disappearing into the thick crowd.

 

** &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

 

 

Jared presses his hand to the small of Jensen’s back as they step into the elevator. It’s a possessive gesture, but showing the world who Jensen belongs to is not on his mind. They’re back at the hospital for Jensen’s six month check up, and Jared needs to touch Jensen, keep him close. Jensen has told him over and over again to stop worrying, but the combination of his hatred for hospitals, and his fear that Jensen could get sick again at anytime, sends his mind into overdrive. He barely got any sleep last night, which had had the added effect of keeping Jensen up most of the night too.

“Will you relax?” Jensen pleads, rolling his eyes at Jared’s tense posture.

Jared rolls his shoulders and makes a face, “I _can’t._ ”

“Your nerves are not helping me Jared, so can you _please_ just relax...for me?” Jensen asks with wide eyes. He knows Jared will do anything for him, just as long as he sends Jared the right look. 

The elevator door opens and they step out together. Jared takes in some deep breaths as they walk down the long white corridor and his hand falls from Jensen. “Better?”

Jared nods. They enter the waiting room, and Jared stops Jensen before he checks in with the nurse at reception. “You want me to go in with you?”

Jensen shakes his head, “I’ll be fine, you just sit out here and read some more girly magazines.”

“That was one time,” Jared sighs dramatically, “And they had some interesting articles,” he adds defensively.

“How did everyone not know you were gay?” Jensen smiles and Jared flips him off. Once Jensen has successfully distracted Jared, he steps over to the reception desk. Jared drops down into the seat at the end of the row and searches through the pile of magazines for something interesting. He gives Jensen a nod and a tense smile as he’s led out of the waiting room to the doctor’s office.

The check up takes half an hour, and Jared’s finishing up an article on how to keep your man satisfied when Jensen reappears. He smiles and waves the magazine article at Jensen. “Just doing some research,” he stands and rests a hand on Jensen’s waist

“Trust me Jared, you keep me plenty satisfied,” Jensen pats Jared’s chest and grins.

“Good to know.” Jared finally asks the question he’s been afraid to hear the answer to, “Everything go okay?”

Jensen nods, “Still all clear.”

Jared sighs and feels every muscle in his body relax, “Good....that’s good.”

“Very good,” Jensen agrees, letting out a long breath, “Ready to go?”

Jared nods and drops the magazine back on the table. The article didn’t have anything he didn’t already know about anyway. 

“We need to celebrate,” he decides as they exit the hospital and make their way to Jared’s car.

“What do you suggest?”

After finally getting together, they’d tried taking things slowly by going on dates. There had been a couple of misunderstandings and false starts when Jared had chosen expensive restaurants that Jensen couldn’t afford, and he’d realised that Jensen wasn’t happy with Jared paying for everything all the time. They’d learnt that the one thing they enjoyed most was what they’d been doing all along, sitting on the couch with take-out and a movie; though now they curled up together, Jared’s hand on Jensen’s thigh, and Jensen’s arm resting along the back of the couch, his hand brushing the hairs on the back of Jared’s neck.

“Pizza, the new Matt Damon movie, and a hundred dollar bottle of champagne I’ve been saving for a special occasion.”

Jensen considers Jared’s offer and smiles, “Sound’s perfect.” he climbs into the passenger seat and slouches into the soft leather. Jared starts the car, pulls out of the parking lot, and sets off towards home. 

“Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“When you said expensive champagne, what you really meant was a couple of ice cold beers right?”

Jared chuckles, “Sure, that’s what I meant,” he glances at Jensen before turning his eyes back to the road. They fall into a comfortable silence for the rest of the journey, each lost in their own thoughts. Jared smiles as he thinks about how fast the last few months have gone. One minute he’s opening The Jay Centre, and the next thing he knows, he’s living with the man he loves, both of them doing jobs they love. Jensen had had a few confidence issues when he’d first started at the Centre, not sure he was up to the job,  but he’d soon found his stride and the Centre had been doing well ever since. Who would’ve thought juggling clients was a good basis for management skills?

Meanwhile, Jared had kept his focus on the business. He’d lost some investors after he came out, but had actually gained others, meaning he could keep on expanding the business. He had a pile of building specs to go through tomorrow for a new club on his desk at work.

Jared pulls into the drive and turns off the engine. Jensen blinks and turns to give Jared a small smile. They climb out of the car and walk up the path to the house leisurely. Jensen unlocks the door and drops the keys into the bowl by the door. Jared follows him into the house, kicking his shoes off as soon as the door is closed behind him.

“Hey Jen?” Jared begins as they make their way into the kitchen,

“Yeah?” Jensen heads straight for the fridge and pulls out two beer bottles.

“I was thinking...”

“Don’t strain yourself,” Jensen teases as he reaches into a drawer for a bottle opener. He opens both bottles and hands one over to Jared. They clink bottles and both take a gulp before Jared continues.

“We should go on holiday.”

Jensen hand freezes as he lifts the bottle to his lips again. “What?”

“A vacation? A private island...sun, sea, sand.....brightly coloured drinks with little umbrellas?” Jared suggests.

“Huh,” Jensen sounds and says nothing for a long moment, filling the space with gulps of beer.

Jared winces at Jensen’s silence. Whilst they had tried to take things slow, Jensen had moved back into the house a month after the Centre opening. He’d advanced from his own bedroom down the hall, to sharing with Jared a couple of weeks after moving in, neither  
of them wanting to be apart any longer, and Jared loves waking up with Jensen’s warm body beside him. But he’s still unsure of how Jensen feels about the pace they’ve been moving at. Jensen hasn’t protested, but Jared is still wondering if that’s all a hangover from the whole client/prostitute mentality. He wants to talk to Jensen about it, but Jensen already warned him he might freak out, so he’s picking his battles carefully. Things have been going easily between them recently, and talking about their past could stir up issues they are both trying to get past.

 Now, Jensen’s silent for so long, he’s starting to wonder if a vacation together was one step too far, too soon.

“I've never been on vacation before,” Jensen finally admits.

Jared’s raised eyebrows express his shock, even as he attempts to hide his relief, “You haven’t?” Jensen shakes his head. “Well, that settles it then,” Jared grins, “Pack your bags baby,” he slings an arm around Jensen’s waist, his hand splayed across the small of Jensen’s back, and presses their lips together for a quick kiss.

“Jay?” Jensen says as they part.

“Yeah?”

“Call me baby again, and I _won’t_ be putting out tonight,” Jensen tells him

“Shutting up.”

Jensen laughs and pads out of the kitchen. Jared kicks up his leg and bumps Jensen’s ass with his toes. Jensen jumps and strides out of Jared’s reach. He glances back at Jared and grins, before turning and disappearing out the door, his hips swaying just a little more than usual. Jared’s eyes stay trained on Jensen’s ass until it’s out of view and shakes his head. As he reaches for the phone to call in their food, he has one thing on his mind: _This is it for him, Jensen is it._

 

 


End file.
